detaching - practical tips needed!

[guyfawk]

common guidance here for dealing with abusive exes (in relation to contact especially) is to detach detach detach.

Can anyone share any experience of how to actually do that with a twunt who's determined to cause as much conflict is possible.

Thanks very much

[RandomMess]

Stick to emails only. Ignore everything that is said as much as possible.

Who do the DC reside with?

Stick rigidly to the agreement for contact...

[kittybiscuits]

Watching with interest :)

[guyfawk]

DC resides with me, contact has been reasonably flexible to date but I've had enough of being told at the very last minute what the details are.

I've requested email contact and so twunt has responded by texting or phoning only. (Unless he forgets and sends unrelated email)

I'm pretty stubborn though (and I'm done being bullied) so happy to take a stance and see it through.

[RandomMess]

Okay get a new sim card and only use the old one that he can contact you when you put it in the phone or have a 2nd cheap phone.

I would also insist that you will honour requests for contact with confirmed details only a weekly basis or similar.

You will have to follow through and put him with him having a hissy fit but worth it in the long run as you have the right to enjoy your life without him controlling it.

[kittybiscuits]

I have restricted contact to emails only and I never reply in haste so always wait until the following day. Am considering changing my number but reluctant after having it for so many years. But every time he agitates I get a coldsore. I wish I could be more resilient to the stress.

[RandomMess]

kitty what in particular are you struggling to deal with?

You don't necessarily have to reply to his emails...

[kittybiscuits]

I only reply to essential ones requesting contact. These usually contain stupid digs which I ignore. He has instructed a solicitor and I got a letter accusing me of withholding contact. I haven't. The solicitor has referred to mediation and the mediator has been given my details and called me out of the blue one evening. I was hypeventilating when she rang. I cannot go in a room with him and I'm worried my 11 year old will be forced to see him. So it's not every day stuff. He moved out a year ago. He's upset the childen so much. And because they don't want to see him at the moment he's intent on going to court. The bit I find hardest is the lies he tells. He lied to his solicitor and the mediator. Sorry for thread hijack OP.

[milaforni]

Keep a journal of each contact. Be factual, not emotional in your journal. That way if you ever have to go to court over this, it will show a pattern.

[guyfawk]

Don't worry Kitty, course you can hijack. I did shuttle mediation - ie you in one room and him in another. If there are dv issues you don't have to do mediation though - but you'll still need to see the mediator to explain why and she'll provide a form.

[kittybiscuits]

Thanks both. I have kept a log. There was no physical violence. Terrible emotional and verbal abuse and also financial abuse. I get so scared that he is believable. He lies and I swear that he believes it himself as he rolls out lie after massive lie. Just writing this down has made me realise that things have escalated a lot. I backed off from him completely and was coping well, but now that the kids don't want to see him because he is such a mess and won't take any responsibility for himself, he's really angry and blames me. I fear some naïve Cafcass officer taking pity on the poor man.

Detaching, I think, involves putting aside all of your usual attempts to be reasonable and co-operative, because an abusive ex cannot respond in the same vein and it just exposes you to further abuse.