I think I want out

[IThinkIveHadEnough]

I've NC for this thread but have been on MN for a number of years.

DH has had depression for a long time (9 years plus), more on than off. When we got together I didn't realise he was suffering from this as he hid it quite well. We had DC1 (unplanned) and things really went to shit for a good couple of years. He ended up being withdrawn from his uni course and I dealt with paperwork/finances/running a household as best as I could. He was able to tidy up round the house sometimes but not much else. He started getting a little better, we got married had DC2 and later DC3. He got a job and I eventually got a job a couple of months after graduating. Through all this I had PND and AND but managed to drag myself through to complete my degree with a little help from DH.

I had a long commute each day (70 mile round trip) and things were getting bad at both places of work. DH fell back into depression and was signed off work. We began to argue and, being the only one that can drive, I ran the DC to school/nursery then went to work and did the same in reverse. I started to struggle and fell into depression myself. I had a bit of a breakdown at work one day when I started crying and just couldn't stop. I was signed off for a month but was constantly worried as I only received SSP, whereas DH was getting full pay. I wasn't ready to go back to work when I did but I dragged myself back in as we just couldn't afford my being off. This led to me being signed off again a couple of months later - again with me stressing about money. Throughout this time DH went back to work for a little while but couldn't cope and then was signed off again. I went back to work after three weeks being signed off and set about looking for a new job closer to home. DH was still largely off work, after a poor attempt from his employers to get him back in (no phased return etc as advised by GP).

I got a new job in July in my town, commute was much easier and things started to look up a little. DH finally got back into work through phased return in September - things had got a bit better and DH was then back at work full time. Then a couple of weeks ago I was made redundant out of the blue (the only redundancy made)..piss poor planning by the company who shouldn't have decided to take on anyone else because it was financially unstable. I waited until DH finished work to tell him and he managed to last until the end of the week and has been signed off ever since (a fortnight).

I am feeling truly shit, but I've tried to pull myself together and have been applying for jobs as much as I can. There is one that I may possibly get this week pending on my final interview. I'm worried about DH's job as he has been warned that he was on his last chance in terms of being off with depression again. This has led to more arguing. I understand what it's like to be depressed, but I've forced myself to keep going over the years. DH hates his job, it is a part of his depression. He wants to go back to uni and get his degree (a top up course) so he can go into teaching, but the Student loans company will not fund his tuition fees. He can put forward an appeal due to the way his withdrawal from university was handled, but it's not certain he will get it.

Throughout almost all of our relationship I have sorted paperwork, fought to keep him on his original course, tried to sort out debts etc. I have lied when his parents have mentioned his degree, as they wouldn't be supportive that he hasn't got one, I have lied when his mother has asked how he has been because he's told me not to tell her. For this appeal I was sat yesterday looking through old emails for evidence and he wasn't even really listening at times, instead playing on his computer. I understand he is ill but I'm also annoyed that he isn't going into work. I'm fed up of arguing. We've not had sex in a long time because quite frankly I don't really want it. Both of us have put weight on, but I'm not in the mood. He moans about this saying we don't have to have sex but can I just masturbate him or help make him orgasm and I just really don't want to. He will annoy the shit out of me for no reason, poking away until I snap. I feel like shit today and have come in after dropping of the DC and come upstairs to lie down. DH has left me for an hour and a bit, then come upstairs and lay on top of me because I said I was staying in bed for a bit longer. Then tried to take the duvet off me and pillow off me. Sometimes he knows he has upset me and then starts saying stuff like 'I can't believe you've done X' outloud, which is damn near mirroring what I'm thinking in my head.

He is generally very good with the DC, will get up with the youngest if needed and will tidy around in the house. I think I've had enough but I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable and if I split us up I don't think the DC would forgive me. The house is not in my name at all and we don't live close to parents. I'm afraid to leave, afraid to upset my DC who won't understand. If I get this job then I will be tied to this town anyway, so there would be no point in moving out. This is the DCs home. What do I do? Do I stay in the hope it will get better? When we're good, we're good but more often than not we are either pissed off at eachother of arguing.

I'm sort this is so long, if you got to the end.

[IThinkIveHadEnough]

Just to add, DH has gone through his three months of full pay, a couple of weeks at half pay and pretty much used up his SSP through being off. I'm not sure whether this resets yearly or not but I'm not sure if he is getting paid for being off at the minute, adding to the financial worries

[IThinkIveHadEnough]

Sorry for typos

[Garlick]

Blimey, you two have really been through it. Sympathies!

I have treatment-resistant depression. In all honesty, it's hard work to live with myself I sure as hell wouldn't wish it on anyone else. I'd love someone to do for me all that you have done for your husband - but it wouldn't make me 'better' and I am clued-up enough to understand that if you lean heavily on other people, they fall over too.

It sounds as though this is what's happened to you. You're under immense strain of differing kinds, and who's propping you up?

What are you hoping to find by posting here? If you're looking for permission to change things, you've got it! No-one actually needs a 'good reason' to end a relationship; it's enough that it isn't working for you any more.

[pocketsaviour]

I think as your DC get older they will probably give you a vote of thanks. If you don't get out, he's going to drag you and the DC down with him, because he seems absolutely determined to sink himself.

Just think about it - you lost your job, through no fault of your own - so he then went and got signed off again, at the very moment where it was vital for him to pick up some slack, in the team activity that is a marriage.

He now wants to train as a teacher? Bollocks. He wants 2-3 years of studying where he doesn't have to deal with the real world, and then he'll discover oh dear, teaching is actually one of the most stressful jobs possible and he can't handle it.

What is the living situation? Did his parents buy him the house? Or is he renting - if so private or landlord?

[pocketsaviour]

I mean private or LHA!

[Jan45]

He's a child, he's never grown up. I have friends who suffer depression, they still manage to work and look after children.

Sorry but that's how I read it, he's been entirely dependant on you for most of your time together, in other words, you're his mother.

I couldn't do this, this is so unfair on you, and you get nothing in return. Stop doing for him, or else resign yourself to a life of mothering and waiting for his next bombshell.

[IThinkIveHadEnough]

Thank you for your replies.

I don't feel like I have had the same support when I have been unwell with depression myself. At times he has said 'it only matters that we're happy' and said if I wanted to leave the long commute job then I could, but in reality we have no back up for money or anything, so it isn't do-able. He's also suggested for me to go self employed but I don't feel confident in this at all.

He's wanted to train as a teacher for a number of years and I think he would actually be a really good teacher, but I don't know if he'd get through the training and the job because of his mental health. Both his parents were teachers and have always expected him to just be the best at everything. He did really well in school and college but the depression hit in university. They pushed him into a course he didn't really want to do and dissuaded him from being a teacher for so long. He found another course that was what he wanted to do but his mental health just went completely downhill and he couldn't finish the course. No one in RL knows he doesn't have a degree except for me. Now his dad is pushing for him to go in to teaching and he can't because he doesn't have the degree to do the PGCE.

His dad helped him to get on the housing ladder with this house as a guarantor, but I didn't earn enough to get put on the mortgage so we've just left it.

I need to stop doing stuff for him like the paperwork to see if he actually does it himself. I nag for him to sort things, keep in touch with work when he's been off and he can get snappy with me at times.

I don't know what I want. Sometimes the idea of divorcing is tempting, but I'm scared on being alone and being a single parent. Of upsetting the DC mainly. Part of me does still care for him and I don't want to abandon him. I just get so annoyed and worn down by it all. How do you explain it to the DC? I can't afford to rent anywhere and this is still their home. We've been through a lot over the years. His dad told him not to marry me, didn't think I was good enough. DH told him where to go and his dad came round. I don't know what I want. I just think that at 28 and 30 we still have potentially a lot of years of marriage ahead and if things stay like this I don't know how much I can take.

[Garlick]

It doesn't matter whether you're "on the mortgage", you're married and entitled to a share in the house should the marriage end. As you have children, it's most likely you'd be awarded the right to live there with your children until the youngest finishes school. There's some form you can fill in to formalise your entitlement (sorry for lack of detail, it's changed since I did it) but it's implicit anyway.

Fear of being a single parent's rather a poor reason to keep yourself and your children in a family environment of unstable moods, financial uncertainty and hopeless dreams.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"if I split us up I don't think the DC would forgive me."
" I'm afraid to leave, afraid to upset my DC who won't understand."
" I'm scared on being alone and being a single parent. Of upsetting the DC mainly."

So let's think about the DC. Right now they live with two unhappy parents. Is that a good place for them to grow up in? If you leave, they will live with one parent, you, who may actually be able to be happy. Isn't that a better place to grow up in?

I think it's your depression convincing you that your DC won't understand or forgive you. Have you considered the possibility that they may be thankful not to live in a household as tense as your sounds?