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Can anyone advise me re guilt and my Mother?

(10 Posts)
TheHouseOnTheLane Mon 23-Nov-15 10:29:15

Basically she really struggles for money. She's widowed in her late 60s and works part time despite poor health.

I know that it's her Dad left her quite well off but it's all gone and I can't resent her or say "Oh well, you've made your bed" because she's my Mum.

I've recently emigrated and we're still establishing I'm not in a position to help her...though even a regular 20 quid a week would make a difference to her!

She does not complain to me....but I know she's not got any money at all some days. She has some benefits but also debts.

I know it's not my fault or responsibility but I so want to be able to help her a bit.

She supports my feckless brother who is on the dole and always runs out of that's probably why she can't make ends meet.

What shall I do?

I could probably stick 40 quid a week into her account and say nothing...but should I?

Asteria36 Mon 23-Nov-15 10:32:56

You may as well give the money straight to your feckless brother as that is where is will probably end up.
You cannot financially prop up a family member who is not taking care of their own finances, not in the long term anyway. Give her a one-off lump sum to help with any bills and leave it at that. She would become reliant on a drip-feed and then there would be resentment if you had to stop for any reason

NoahVale Mon 23-Nov-15 10:33:18

oh dear, can you suggest citizens advice or Stepchange? she needs to sort out her debt.
i cant see how you should support her and your feckless brother

TheHouseOnTheLane Mon 23-Nov-15 10:49:07

Asteria I couldn't do a lump sum.

I see what you're saying about the reliance though.

She wouldn't see CAB at all I know.

I feel for her. It's her son after all and he's not going to change at his age.

Asteria36 Mon 23-Nov-15 11:10:51

Anyone can change at any age!!! I was always a bloody nightmare with my finances and managed to get a grip and sort myself out in my mid-thirties.
How about you save the £40 a week for a couple of months and then give her that? Or pay off one/some of her bills in instalments?
Total reliance is not a good thing as she would find it hard to go back if you had to stop. If you can commit to £40 a week for the med/long term future and can be sure that there would be no resentment from anyone (whoever you support - DH/DC etc for the money going out OR your your DM if the money stops) then fine.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 23-Nov-15 12:24:59

The previous respondent did change but many people do not fundamentally alter their attitudes to money. Her story is more an exception than the rule. The road to hell is paved with good intentions OP. Examine your own reasons far more closely as to why you still want to help her. Its not help is it. It meets some need in you to help her; do you feel obligated to her?.

What feeling of good would it give you to help your mother; it would only give you a feeling of "doing good" that is fleeting. It won't do you or her any favours by enabling her by giving her money (that will end up with your feckless brother; something that he also learnt from his mother); enabling just gives you a false sense of control. Giving her money is simply taking money away from your own family unit; money that from the sounds of it you need more.

You want to do the same behaviour to your mother as she is doing with her son; it just does not work.

Lordamighty Mon 23-Nov-15 12:32:08

The reason she has no money is because of her feckless son. Don't throw your own money at the problem, you will just end up resenting both of them.

DowntonDiva Mon 23-Nov-15 12:49:12

No one will change unless they have a reason to. Don't give money to your mum if you know it's just going to go straight to your brother. That will only enable his behaviour.

Easy for me to say but you have to mentally draw the line. Your mother and your brothers choices are not your responsibility. I say this as someone who is always trying to "fix" other people's problems. At some point you need to step back and focus on yourself and establishing your life in your new country. thanks

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 23-Nov-15 13:10:24

She wouldn't see CAB at all I know

Can I ask why not? I was going to suggest giving her some helplines, etc, but if she won't take suitable advice there's really very little you can do, unless you're prepared to step in every time and create a never-ending problem

Also agree with PPs that the choice to support your feckless brother is her own; actions have consequences and it's hard to see how you'd be helping if you enable her to ignore this

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 23-Nov-15 21:18:17

I stopped giving money to my DM because she just gave it to people I would never ever have given money to.

If you give her money it will go to your brother. If she would rather be in debt than say no to him that's her choice and you can do nothing about it. Really you can't do anything.

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