I think we're splitting up

[ZoeTurtle]

I don't really know why I'm posting except I find it very hard to talk about these things with people I know. I'm suppose I'm venting.

My marriage hasn't been a happy one for a while. Not exactly unhappy either, but I was just riding it out and it's finally reached a point where I think I'd be happier alone than with him. Tonight it all came to a head over something silly, and I said I think we should split up. He's currently packing to go and stay with his uncle from tomorrow. We got married 4.5 years ago when I was only 21 and he was 25. Stupid, huh?

I just don't think I love him any more. People warned me that it wouldn't work out because he's much less intelligent than me (not a stealth boast, I just can't be bothered being tactful) but when we were newly in love it didn't seem to matter. Now I'm bored stiff because we never have proper conversations, and he's annoyed because I'm always online talking to my friends.

In a similar vein, I have much higher earning potential. I already earn almost 2x as much as him. He's always complaining that we don't own our own house and have no savings, but he never makes an effort to get a better job. He just plays the lottery and comes up with half brained schemes of starting his own business and instantly becoming a millionaire. I wouldn't mind about his low earnings if he would stop whining about finances! We're not in debt, we have a little left over each month, we have a good standard of life. I would like to own a house too but that's why I've worked so hard in my job.

He's annoyed that we hardly ever have sex, but I don't fancy him any more. The sex was never good, but it's beyond the point where I can just lie back and take it. I know I should never have been doing that, but I did. I'm sure it's equally as bad for him seeing as I make no effort either, but whereas I'm happy to see to my own needs, he isn't. I don't blame him for that.

He wants children, I don't. At my core I long for a baby but my head says no, and honestly I think I'd be an awful mother. When we got married he said he didn't want children, though he now claims that I'm making that up (I'm not!).

I have plenty of bad qualities too - I'm messy, I'm so tired from a combination of long hours and sleep apnoea that I'm grumpy and lazy, I get irritable easily, I'm very introverted and socially awkward... the list goes on.

Mostly I feel guilty. I think I'm much harder to live with than him, and a worse partner, but I'm the one initiating the split. He says he wants to stay together and he was crying when we spoke, but I can't work out what he gets from this marriage and I can't see it getting any better. I think I would rather be alone.

Like I said, I don't know why I'm posting. Thank you for letting me vent, and for reading if you got this far!

[SolsburyHell]

I think few people in this day and age are still with the partners they were with aged 21. You haven't failed, you will go on to have other happy relationships and maybe, when the time is right, you will be a great mother. Or maybe you'll be happily childless. Who knows but life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage, especially when there are no children involved. Good luck.

[pictish]

I think you'd be far better off single too. You and your husband are not compatible and that is plain to see. You both need to go your separate ways and be free to find someone with whom you are.

[PontyGirl]

You sound like you know what you want.

I got married at the same age, I am the same age as you roughly. It sounds like what you had would've been a good relationship that would have eventually fizzled out, but often we get carried away and the idea of getting married is far more romantic than it is (I'm not judging btw - this could just as easily have been me). You sound like very different people. It's sad, but at least you've realised now, before kids, before a mortgage so that all that needs to be dealt with is the heartbreak, which is no small thing. I wish you all the best OP. It's a brave thing to do, sometimes it feels much easier to stay on a sinking ship.

[Error404usernamenotfound]

You've tried for over 4 years to make your marriage work, but have fundamental differences in personality and ambitions, judging from your OP. You're both still easily young enough to find real happiness with someone else, should you choose, and to have children, should you choose.

Don't try to drag it out through misplaced guilt, it'll only hurt both of you more further down the line.

Best of luck.

[ZoeTurtle]

Thank you all. :)

PontyGirl I think you're right. We got married because his family are very religious and it would have been very difficult for him to 'live in sin'. I've never been fussed about marriage so we had a very quiet ceremony, done and dusted and back at work the next day. It was to keep his family happy rather than for us.

[ZoeTurtle]

Sorry I meant PontyGirl is right specifically about the relationship fizzling out naturally - you're all right!

[PontyGirl]

I don't know why parents do that to their children - effectively guilt them into a marriage without considering the pain it will cause when it all goes to shit. I've seen that a lot actually with my friends. Be kind to yourself, and hopefully you'll be able to stay kind to each other throughout this. You haven't done anything wrong, remember that.

[pictish]

I have to say that I think your sil refusing to ever take her ds to your mum's house again is harsh.
A cooling off period would be appropriate I think. Your mum needs to apologise profusely and you all ought to adjust your attitudes to your sil. Might be she's a bit pfb, but frankly your mum's negligence just made real her fears.

I know it was an accident and I certainly wouldn't hold it against someone in the long term, but if the attitude towards sil is that she is seeking to be vindictive by being upset by this, you're not going to get anywhere with her.

[pictish]

Sorry, wrong thread.
I have reported it.