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Cracking at the last minute

(8 Posts)
mrsrabbitsays Sun 15-Nov-15 11:12:41

About two months ago I told my husband that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore. We have 3 dc and have been married for 15 years. The trouble was I have a mad crush another bloke which just blew me away. He saw my texts to my friend saying my feelings and he went mad I don't fancy my husband anymore and we haven't had sex for a year. We both work full time and just spend the evenings watching TV and not talking to each other.
Since I told my husband things have exploded. He phoned my work accusing the man of having an affair with me. He also called the police after we had a scuffle in front of the kids. He has told the children I am breaking up the family.
He is moving out tomorrow and has spent today saying I love you and I will always love you. I am sad I am breaking up the family but surely the lack of love is partially his fault also? I found myself wantinh to be at work rather than at home with him and the kids. I still like the guy at work but that is going nowhere. He is flirting with a 23 year old intern and not bothered at all about the 16 year age gap. She leaves in the summer though and there is still some semblance of hope that we may work it out. I am going out to a local carnival with him next weekend with some other folks and the kids. He hasn't invites the 23 year old but he does spend all his time with her at work and ignores the friendship we used to have. He knows all about my situation so I am pretty sure he is staying away.
So what I am struggling with is how inappropriately both my husband and I have dealt with this situation - whether I should make it work and beg him to stay or should I just see how it feels to be alone .we fight in front of our kids a lot . I feel guilty that he is going to a flat share but he will be back to look after the kids in the week. I also need to get to terms with this feeling for the guy at work which has been going on for about 6 months now. It is heartbreaking to see him with this young girl when he used to be friends with me. My head says if I feel so strongly about someone else than it probably isn't right to be with my husband as we continually fight. I know I am probably just trying to fill a void for my grief for what could have been. My husband has done all the action so far- opened separate bank accounts, transferred the debt, called the police, announced our separation on facebook. And yet today, the day before he leaves, he says he will always love me.
It's so difficult when neither of us have had an affair, just grown apart and not looked after our marriage. And now I don't feel any spark for him ( it makes me cringe when he touches me) I feel it is too late.
will I feel responsible for destroying my children's family for the rest of my life?

summerwinterton Sun 15-Nov-15 11:25:51

But you have had an emotional affair. If you weren't happy you should have left your husband and been alone. This relationship with the OM is never going to work.

SongBird16 Sun 15-Nov-15 11:30:34

Of course you will always feel guilty.

When did you first begin to feel differently towards your husband, and what steps did you take to discuss it with him, or to improve the marriage?

Did you really fall out of love with your DH before finding the OM attractive, or did your attraction for him lead to you comparing your DH unfavourably?

Your fantasy for the other man was the nail in your marriage's coffin, inevitably making things worse and creating further distance between you and your husband.

The other man is now distancing himself because you were a fun flirtation but he never expected you to leave your husband. He will be worried that you are now expecting something from him that he doesn't want to give. Tbh he sounds like a bit of a player.

Your poor husband. Being told that the person you love most doesn't love you any more is excruciating enough, but being aware that someone else has taken your place in their affections hurts like nothing else. He will be shocked and confused, and mourning the life and future he expected.

Only time will tell whether you've made the right decision but you'll always wonder whether taking steps to rescue your marriage rather than indulging your crush might have yielded a different result.

mrsrabbitsays Sun 15-Nov-15 12:07:20

I didn't do anything with the OM. My feelings for my husband changes before I noticed him. My husband has been ignoring me for years. He controlled every element of our budget, shouting at me if I went to buy the kids new shoes. He shouted at me if I cleaned the house the wrong way and told me I was slow and I couldn't do anything.
He phoned my job because he doesn't want me to work . He texts other people while at work but tells me off for bothering He claims without him I would be nothing. He has signed into a flat contract for 3 months. He has changed his number and blocked me. I am sure there have been other people who feel trapped in this way?
Not sure I want a new relationship. Having been with somebody for 15 years, it's difficult to see straight at the moment

RedMapleLeaf Sun 15-Nov-15 12:13:42

Talk about drip feeding hmm

summerwinterton Sun 15-Nov-15 12:22:31

Call WA and get him out. Don't let the OM cloud your judgement. Staying with an abuser will screw up your kids lives. And yours too.

donajimena Sun 15-Nov-15 12:29:32

Be single. The marriage was clearly not right.

MiniTheMinx Sun 15-Nov-15 12:41:37

It's the realisation that life will never be the same. And amen to that.

Just let your husband go. You will cope.

As regards the OM he doesn't sound like he is holding back because of your situation. He is chasing the other woman because she is his new interest. Avoid him. Even if he did start to show interest in you again he will perceive your vulnerability and have a field day hurting you.

Stay strong, don't confuse the two issues and you'll be fine.

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