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Trying to be nice when someone is angry with you

(9 Posts)
arlee Fri 30-Oct-15 17:14:02

Background: I'm one of those people who never gets really irritated with people and if i do i try to get over it quickly, as i tend to think everyone is doing their best in life, even if it's not what i would do. One of my friends is the opposite, she's a lovely person most of the time but gets annoyed quickly and tends to hold a grudge.

A few weeks ago I upset friend by being a bit interfering in her life, she got turned down for a promotion at work and I kept suggesting she come up with a new life plan. I've learnt from this, I should have just let her deal with it in her own way and have apologised but at the moment she is still quite annoyed with me and I'm trying to give her space. She's also going to have quite a few major things coming up which i want to wish her well for, for example, her DP had some minor hospital treatment today so i sent her a short text saying good luck and got a one word reply. And in a couple of weeks she has an important exam for a work qualification she is doing.

My question is, if someone has upset you, does it make things worse if they keep contacting you, even if it just to send good wishes?

pallasathena Fri 30-Oct-15 17:35:28

I usually let the other person set the pace if I've upset them. I'll say sorry and apologise if I'm in the wrong every time, but I don't know whether its just me or the people I'm close to, but I find that very often I'm frozen out for weeks at a time. Eventually I get a grudging message - usually because they either want something or a mutual friend has told them to stop the drama and i'm allowed back 'in'.

Let me just add that I seem to offend if my opinion differs from theirs. If it doesn't, everything is fine. This has happened a few times now and I find myself mildly relieved when I'm 'out' and not 'in' these days.

My advice? Detach, fill your life and your mind with things you enjoy and stop worrying about other people because I can guarantee they won't be worried about you. There is a type of person currently all the rage in society that I call the Mortally Offended. They exhibit offence at anything and everything and your worry and concern is like oxygen to them. Don't fall for it.

cranberryx Fri 30-Oct-15 18:25:01

She may be preoccupied with the other things in her life at the moment so may give the impression of being off when she's actually just focusing on other things.

I normally leave it a few weeks and then text saying something like, 'Fancy going to a coffee?' And let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes people just need space.

Scoobydoo8 Fri 30-Oct-15 18:34:33

Not sure i would contact over DFr's DP's minor op.

In fact, thinking about it, I don't really like people 'thinking of me' when I'm busy with health issues or whatever. What difference does it make if someone is thinking of my DH if he is having his ingrown toenail removed. Better wait and ask a few days later if all went well. Or wait until the next time you see them.

But if someone has bad news jobwise or whatever just empathise, don't advise.

springydaffs Fri 30-Oct-15 18:55:30

Bloody hell! It means EVERYTHING to me that ppl are 'thinking of me'. I am grateful for people's kindness and support.

Let the offended be offended, op. Back off. You've made it clear you're sorry, leave them to it if they want to drag it out.

Oh and get some boundaries in place. It's not OK for people to behave badly or unkindly bcs they are upset.

magiccatlitter Sat 31-Oct-15 02:03:20

You seem to be more worried about yourself in this situation than her. You want to keep contacting her so she can make you feel better. Just leave it be. Take a step back and look and see if it is a regular thing you do to overstep people's boundaries with unasked for advice.

Scarletforya Sat 31-Oct-15 03:02:11

Yea, it does make things worse. Just back off slightly. You don't have to wish her good luck for every little thing. You're over involved and you're making her feel smothered.

Do you feel the urge to constantly contact her is a bit compulsive? What are you afraid will happen if you don't wish her luck in these various things?

arlee Sat 31-Oct-15 08:01:12

I guess i want to wish her good luck because that's what i normally woud do and I'm trying to pretend things are normal even though they're not. But I get magic's point that that is also probably about trying to make me feel better, I want her to forgive me so I don't feel so bad about making a mistake.

junebirthdaygirl Sat 31-Oct-15 08:10:10

I would do what you're doing and continue as normal. I just couldn't be bothered trying to humour someone out of a mood. I am like you and don't take offence easily. I think grown adults going all huffy and off is a total pain. I would text re operation and exam as that is what you normally do and you don't have a problem with her. But if she stayed in a huff ld just hang out with other friends and leave her off.

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