Is it too much to ask to be wanted? Not needed, not dealt with as an obligation but actually wanted.
For dh to not feel he has to spend time with me of an evening because he feels it's what he ought to do or because I've made it clear I'm sick of being ignored but to suggest we watch a film or have an early night
For someone, anyone, I really don't care who, to pick up the phone and ring me and suggest we go for a coffee and cake
To not have to say to people can we go out or can I come over because I want to catch up but be made to feel a nuisance once I'm there and when the conversation about them has dried up be made to feel like I have to leave
What do I have to do to get someone to want to spend time with me? I bend over backwards to help people where I can, I don't whinge and moan about what's going on in my life because who needs to be around a total eeyore?
Is it too much to ask to be wanted? To not feel like an after thought or an obligation?
That really doesn't sound very nice, what is it he would rather be doing? I mean does he have a hobby or something that he devotes all his attention to at the expense of everyone else?
It is horrible to feel lonely, which is the impression I get that you feel? Do you talk to any of your friends about how things are with DH? I wonder if they realise you are unhappy but aren't sure what to say or how to broach the subject and that's why there are awkward silences/you feeling like you need to leave. Do you have any family you are close to?
I don't think you are doing anything wrong, some people just find it hard to support others for whatever reason. My brother hates any kind of emotion so if he thinks anyone might get upset he will always change the subject pronto to something random to try and avoid it. It is sad if you are listening to others and they are not returning it though. Could you try messaging them first and saying you are having a bad time and would like someone to talk to? Then they will be prepared to give you the time to talk. I know you shouldn't have to but it might help. If you are the sort of person everyone else tells their problems to I think they often forget that you might have your own too.
Has DH been like this for long? Did anything in particular start it off or has it kind of drifted?
Then you must make it not OK for him to ignore you. Have you been together long ? Are there children ? You sound stuck in a rut with people who are happy with their lives, and happy to use you to facilitate their own happiness. I suspect you need to find new people, notvtry to make the ones you know change.
You are the architect of your own happiness, no-one else has that responsibility and if you find yourself with people who don't appreciate what an intelligent and caring person that you are, then you need to find people who will. Check out your local WI. Its a great organisation and you'll make friends easily with other women who are on your wavelength.
I am stuck in a rut. I've done a stupid thing and written a letter to dh explaining how I'm feeling. That I feel I've spent our entire relationship making him happy I've forgotten how to make me happy. I don't think I'll give it to him but I'm pleased to have written it down.
I don't see a future, I don't think I want one. I've never seen me being around past 40 and I'm nearly there.
What do you mean by 'never seen me being around past 40'? Do you mean the relationship or, well, you.
Ime the vast majority are selfish, 'consumers', only want people for what they can get out of them, takers. Not many givers about!
Along you come, decent, amenable, giving, fair, kind. Yum! they say, I'll have some of that! And they bleed you dry - bcs they're only interested in what you can do for them, not interested in you at all.
The 'can I come over' shows you're fitting in with them (only bcs they make it like that). Ime I make people like this work hard - they don't usually bother, are shocked I should withdraw my loveliness and expect them to step up and do a bit of work.
Why not send that letter to dh? I can't see why you wouldn't send it. He's taking you for granted, doesn't recognise a good thing - but neither do you! You've given and given and he has taken and taken - why accept that, it's pants.