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I'm 23 why have I never grown up!! (Should I give my ex space?)

(11 Posts)
allofyou Mon 26-Oct-15 00:09:56

I have been in a lot of relationships since the age of 12.
I was always this insecure girl, afraid of my bf cheating on me, always paranoid about horrible things that could happen in a relationship. I was never good at handling fights with my ex boyfriends.
Whenever we had fights, whenever I felt sad and defeated, I always wanted to push them away by breaking up and saying hurtful things that I didn't mean to.
Until the age of 18, I got cheated on badly and became even more insecure. I started to date a lot of random guys and then hated myself for that afterwards.
Recently me and my ex were having a lot of problems.
Last week we were still ok, but I had a major mental breakdown and asked him to block me everywhere. I thought this relationship was beyond repair but deep down I always had hopes.
After almost two years of being together, and 6 months of being on and off, I pushed him away. But I came back after 5 days of NC. He was crushed, upset. I thought he didn't love me anymore and wanted to ignore me. Turns out his email didnt get through so I thought he wanted to avoid me. I said a lot of hurtful things to him as a result.
Three days ago he was still calling me love name through email. I didn't get that.
On Saturday, I was so upset and heartbroken, thought the man I loved for almost two years just left me without saying a word. I said a lot of hurtful things to him through texts. I ripped all his cards and took pictures and sent them to him. I was so sad I even cut myself just to ease the pain. And later on we had a sad phone call to end things.
Today I apologised again to him but he said it is over. He said he was too sad to deal with this or be in a relationship with me.
After 23 years of being alive, I feel like an immature brat. I didn't know how to handle relationships properly. I was selfish.
I calmed down a lot more now after he said it's over through texts. I feel that I deserve feeling hurt. If I were him I probably would've dumped me months ago. I just hate myself for being the biggest bitch in the world.

What should I do? Should I give him space and wait for him to talk to me again?

Floundering Mon 26-Oct-15 00:48:13

I think you should give yourself some space from any relationship until you have sorted yourself out.

Go to your GP & ask for help in managing your anger issues & low self esteem.

Isetan Mon 26-Oct-15 00:54:14

What should you do? As corny as it sounds, you need to work on the relationship with yourself before you can be in relationship with someone else. Take this opportunity to work through your issues and contact a therapist.

You're not a brat, you're in pain.

Cabrinha Mon 26-Oct-15 06:11:30

Stay away from him, stay away from other men, and use the time you're wasting on painful drama to work on the causes with a therapist. You must be exhausted, living like this. Your attitude to relationships is unhealthy and I don't doubt you some good reasons for that, which it would help to unpick.
All the fights... I'm twice your age and can count on one hand the number of fights with men I've had. And I've dated some idiots and been married to a total arsehole! But regular fighting isn't a normal part of a relationship.
Get some help, stop dating for now or you've just got more of the soul destroying same ahead of you.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 26-Oct-15 06:33:06

People are advising you to stay single for a bit. How do you feel when you consider that suggestion?

mummytime Mon 26-Oct-15 07:21:56

Please please: stay single for a good while and get some counselling.

Why have you been constantly in relationships since 12? What makes you feel you need that?

Don't label yourself.

There is a lot more to life than "romance". Get out there and make friends, do things, go places, get on with life.

VocationalGoat Mon 26-Oct-15 07:35:31

There's so much more to life than just being in a relationship. And you've probably learned to value yourself based on the adulation and adoration of males. It's time to shy away from that school of thought. You will be perpetually unhappy otherwise.

Don't get me wrong, love and relationships can and should be beautiful, meaningful.

One if the best pieces of advice I got from a cousin after my first marriage failed was "Now it's 'you' time."
I divorced and embarked on a relationship with me. I grew hundredfold! I can't recommend you time enough. Just a relationship free zone where you get to know and love yourself without male input or validation based on attraction and sexuality as influences.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 26-Oct-15 07:46:10

Absolutely agree with everyone else. You haven't grown up because you haven't had the time or space to. You're still that 12 year old girl who started to have bfs and worry abiut that.

Tbh, I've learnt more about myself in the 3 years since my marriage broke down than I had in the previous 23 years and it's been a real eye opener in many ways.

What hobbies do you have? Friends? Have you continued your education? Got a job?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 26-Oct-15 07:47:59

23 yrs?!!! 37.

RickJames Mon 26-Oct-15 09:03:30

I say this as someone who has been a bit bonkers in her twenties, and I mean it kindly, but you sound like you need a chat with a Dr and maybe some counselling or more. I think you need to find out whether this is due to some mental health issue or if you've just got in the habit of (or even a bit addicted to) drama and emotional overload. Health professionals can help you with both. This is not 'normal behaviour' but it is normal in the sense that many people have these issues and there is no shame in seeking help. You are very young and have many great years and relationships ahead of you. I hope you get the help you need smile

pallasathena Mon 26-Oct-15 09:19:32

Its time to take a step back from all the drama, all the angst and all the negativity. Somewhere down the line, you've allowed yourself to be programmed into thinking that your self-worth is somehow inextricably tied up with being in a relationship.

It isn't.

You need to spend time on your own, getting to know yourself, finding out who you are, what makes you happy, what (apart from relationship dramas) makes you sad. What inspires you, what infuriates you. In short, you need to become an authentic, confident, well balanced individual who can make a valuable contribution to society in some way.

You will not be in your early twenties for ever. Yet its a time of life that can set the stage for the rest of one's life. So you need to be careful and mindful of who and what you want to be. Firstly, and most importantly, you need to be yourself. Not someone else's girlfriend.

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