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Leaving husband - am I selfish?

(9 Posts)
SuchisLife890 Sun 25-Oct-15 15:43:56

I've decided to leave my husband because we aren't romantically interested in each other any more. We've slept in separate beds for a fews years and only had sex a handful of times this year. I don't fancy him at all. He doesn't listen to me when I speak and shuts me down verbally by interrupting, talking over me or sometimes just telling me to end the conversation because it's not interesting to him. He's not a confidant or a companion and there are colleagues I have who I feel closer to and tell more personal things than him. I'm 33 and I want to feel passion again with someone. He says I am being selfish because have a 1.5 year old DD. He thinks I have a duty to stay in the marriage so she can have a stable upbringing, and says passion only ever lasts a few months in any relationship and then inevitably dies down. I can't imagine how he can be happy either, but he wants to cling on to the family unit that we have. He was shocked when I told him I wanted us to separate and said it had come out of the blue - testament to how little he listens to me because I had warned him over and over. The plot thickens because I've recently met a guy who I've deeply connected with and wildly attracted to. It was one of those meetings where you feel like you've known them forever. I'm wracked with guilt for letting it happen. I swing from feeling elated and alive in his company to feeling incredibly low and almost sick when I reflect on what I have done / am doing before DH has even left our flat. Irregardless of him and whether we get together after DH moves out, I want out of the marriage because it offers me nothing. There is no companionship, we argue and bicker constantly and I am tired. Should I just lay in the bed I made and stay? Am I being silly and selfish creating all this hurt and upheaval? How damaging will it be for DD to have co parents as opposed to us living together? I don't agree with him that she will be worse off, because she's currently listening to us argue and disrespect each other all the time. There is so much more to this and have rambled, but I suppose I'm asking if there is anyone out there who has been through this and made it work. We agreed to do 50 / 50 custody and live really close. Money will be very tricky - I'm a contractor on a decent day rate, but DDs nursery fees are 1.5k a month and rent is 1.4k a month, so I will be left with nothing when all the bills come out - am I eligible for any help?

Fratelli Sun 25-Oct-15 18:30:28

You're not selfish at all for wanting the relationship to be over if you are unhappy. It is better for your dd to be brought up by you co parenting rather than hearing you argue.

However, forget about this other man at least until you have been single for a while and adjusted to everything.

NumbBlaseCold Sun 25-Oct-15 18:34:12

It is more damaged to a child to be exposed to parents who barely tolerate or can't tolerate each other.

They know they are the only reason you both stay miserable and bear the burden of that guilt.

They become involved in your fights and bickers and feel they should take sides.

Far better to be co-parented by two people who are happier apart.

NumbBlaseCold Sun 25-Oct-15 18:34:38


Fidelis1980 Sun 25-Oct-15 20:22:44

Sorry for being thick but has anything happened with this other guy( couldn't tell from the post) . How did you meet him?

Have you told your husband you are no longer attracted to him?

curiousc88t Sun 25-Oct-15 21:15:40

Make an appointment at citizens advice & free half an hour at solicitors to see how you should proceed ref separation, divorce, finances

Life is too short to be unhappy

Why are you sleeping in seperate beds ?

SuchisLife890 Sun 25-Oct-15 21:43:31

fidelis - nothing physical has happened but there have been declarations from his side.

I have told my husband that I'm not attracted to him and he's understandably very hurt.

Curious : we started sleeping in separate beds pretty much when we moved in because dh has terrible trouble sleeping and suffers insomnia and I move around a lot in bed. At first he'd make an effort to come to bed with me and then move into the spare room, but now we just accept that he has a different room. It's put distance between us.
Tonight again we've 'had it out'. It really is a terrible wrench and he's devastated. I hope that this will all be worth it. He thinks I am going through a 'hormonal phase' because I stopped breast feeding at the end of Aug (??)

pocketsaviour Sun 25-Oct-15 22:13:09

It doesn't sound like there is anything of this marriage to save. You obviously don't love him or even like him very much, and it sounds like he feels the same way.

I wonder if his parents' marriage is similarly loveless?

You may be able to claim tax credits depending on your work. You'll definitely get child benefit. You might also get help with childcare vouchers. Is there any cheaper options for DD's care?

Are you renting at the moment? That would make things easier to separate. Make an appt with a solicitor (or several) tomorrow to discuss how things would work financially.

LittleWren17 Sun 25-Oct-15 22:28:02

I left my marriage for similar reasons. If you feel that there is no way back for your marriage then it is not healthy for any of you to continue living a life that makes you all unhappy. I too felt selfish, but you only have one life and ultimately it takes two for a relationship to break down, so don't feel like it is all your fault.
It is possible to co parent amicably. My children see their dad several times a week which works for us. I would hate for my children and their dad to miss out on their time together. If you and your husband can stay on good terms, it will make things more pleasant for all of you.
If you feel that things might progress between you and the other guy, then surely it's better to end your marriage before anything becomes physical.
Depending on your income, you should be entitled to child and working tax credits, which would help you massively x

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