Suspicious of DP but no evidence

[barkinginessex]

Bit of background... DP cheated on me 2 years ago, I've posted about him before and got some great advice. We made it though his cheating, however I regret doing the "pick me dance" and it took me more than a year to get over the betrayal and pain.
Over the last 2 weeks I've been having the same sinking feeling I had when I first became suspicious he was cheating. His behaviour flips from being super nice and caring to snappy and distant. He has been a bit cagey with his phone too, minimising the screen if he is texting etc. He just doesn't seem the same and I feel sick and on edge. I don't know his passcode so I can't check his texts, it's been on my mind constantly and I'm even dreaming about it!
I've asked him if there's anything wrong etc and he said no.
I don't really know why I'm posting, I can't sleep as my mind is in overdrive.

[BeyonceRiRiMadonnna]

Oh dear......IF it turns out he's cheating AGAIN, do you think you'll leave?

It really is no way to live OP.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Nobody could blame your for trusting your instinct.
You don't need proof to call it quits. If he's made multiple breaches of trust already then he forfeited any expectation that you'd think we'll of him.

[jellyjiggles]

The thing is op you know yourself all the red flags and you've seen him change and behave like this before. You also know that's it's sadly more likely to happen again than not.

His behaviour is suspicious. The phone is a complete give away. It's your call. Do you have to know he's cheating before you call an end to your relationship.

It's an awful feeling to be suspicious and there are so many people who's gut instinct leads them to finding out the truth.

You've got options such as the 'I need to use your phone, I've left mine at home/work etc'. It's all about if you actually need the proof.

Don't ask him outright! He'll deny then go underground.

[Homepride1]

Can you check his phone bills? Do you still have the number of the person he was cheating with last time, could it still be her?

Go with your gut

[JoeMommuh]

Please remember you don't need "proof" to leave.

Just being unhappy in a relationship for any reason is enough. If his behaviour is flipping THAT is enough reason to walk away....because you don't need to justify yourself to anyone to say "sorry this isn't working" and leave.

[barkinginessex]

I have the OW phone number so if I can look at his texts I'll know straight away if it's her (he never had her name stored against her number). It probably sounds silly but I do feel like I need proof before doing anything.
We have a mortgage together and his DS stays with is alternate weekends, I love his son very much and the thought of not seeing him anymore makes me tearful to even think about. We had a wonderful family holiday in the summer and DP took me away for my birthday.
I thought everything was going great and that we had moved on from his affair. Now I feel how I did 2 years ago .

[MairzyDoats]

Why do you think it's the same OW? Do you feel it was unresolved between them before?

[barkinginessex]

They were still in contact a year after their affair ended. It was very intense between them even though their affair only lasted a few months before I found out. I used to have his passcode so I was checking the texts between them without him knowing, contact stopped around this time last year. They met at work and went through every cliche there is! Emotional affair first, then physical, he said he was flattered etc and felt like I didn't give him enough attention. I think it could be her again as I can't think how he'd meet anyone else.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

I think the fact that he was still in contact with her and you don't know the passcode to his phone after a previous affair, says you're the one who has tried to fix this not him. whether he's straying again or not, you have not fixed things since the last time, you've just swept them under the carpet. That will eat away at you regardless of whether he remains faithful.

[Lacoba66]

Sorry to hear that you are (maybe) going through this again OP.

Can you just clarify for me the part about 2 years ago, you used to have his passcode for his phone, but now you don't? Has he intentionally changed it so that you can't look at his phone?

If that's the case, then he's not exactly been or being open and honest with you considering all that has happened!

If you want to have your mind put at rest, then (I) why not just ask him to pass over the phone unlocked? He's not likely to be deleting stuff if he's confident that you don't have access & if he refuses, then I would take that as guilt (only because of his past, I would add).

[tribpot]

Yes - it doesn't sound like you set down the ground rules for him to regain your trust, namely no further contact with OW, you having complete access to his comms to check up on him. It doesn't really sound like anything was resolved last time around.

Were you meant to know that they were still in contact a year after the affair ended, i.e. did he disclose that to you willingly?

[LadyLonely1]

The thing is you have your proof already, he has proved that he cheated before. You could be wrong this time, but is it worth living this way? The doubts, pain, broken trust, sleepless nights, sick feeling?

[barkinginessex]

Thank you for the replies.
I should have clarified; I had his passcode but he didn't know I knew it so I would regularly check his messages and saw all of the texts between them last year (a year after their affair had ended). The messages between them were not sexual or romantic in anyway, the OW was threatening to kill herself because of him, she would text him when drunk or send him pics of guys she had met on tinder to try and make him jealous. He also gave her money to clear debt she had rang up through payday loan companies.
When I saw the texts about this I confronted him and said he had to block her and stop all contact which he did.
Last night I was dreaming about finding out about another affair, it's driving me crazy.

[tribpot]

Most people don't change their passcode. So the fact that he has must be, I assume, because he realised you'd been checking his texts when you confronted him about the payday loan. Hardly the act of someone who is genuinely sorry for betraying you; more the action of someone who just wants to hide it better next time.

When you say We made it though his cheating I'm not sure that's true in two ways. 1 - I don't think he did very much to make amends and 2 - I don't think you really made it through it. Here you are, a year after contact finally ceased, convinced the affair has restarted (or another has replaced it) and you don't feel able to voice your concerns without proof, because you know he will just hide it better. The fact that he continued to have contact with the OW until you finally felt able to put an end to it speaks volumes. You are right to regret having done the 'pick me' dance, it doesn't really sound like he had to work hard enough to keep his relationship. And I think now he's showing how much he values it.

It's very telling that you can't just say 'the way you're behaving reminds me of when you were cheating. Are you?'. That should be a fair question given his previous history.

[Helmetbymidnight]

So you found out he was cheating- rather than stop contact he carried on contact and giving her money?

He has no respect for you op.

Why are you accepting this- just because you are attached to his dc?

[ImperialBlether]

The thing is, you can't stop an affair. It doesn't end when you insist it ends, but when one of them decides it's over. They didn't decide that and it carried on.

You have learned from the last experience to trust your instincts. Now the same thing is happening again. Unfortunately when he was unfaithful you rewarded him with extra attention, begs to stay etc. He will now think the same will happen next time.

I would end it, personally. You'll never be able to trust him again. It's a terrible shame about his son. How do you get on with his son's mother? Would she agree to you meeting him occasionally?

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Even if he is not having an affair can you continue to live like this, every few years or so thinking he is watching his every move?

[GingerIvy]

Did the affair ever actually stop? It sounds like when you confronted him, he just hid it better.