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husbands friends hate me?

(29 Posts)
athenie Thu 01-Oct-15 16:08:21

Hello there, I've got to the point where I don't know what to do anymore on this problem. It all started when we moved to our new house my oh started making friends with the neighbours as did I, my oh manged to make friends quite quickly he's an extrovert and like to get along with everyone. I on the other hand am a introvert and have some anxity problems we all started becoming very good friends going out to meals/parks etc until one day the neighbours wife stopped talking with me she would never answer me but would still talk to my oh I started to feel uncomfortable and she made excuses to my oh on why she want to go out with me anymore. Months passed and my oh went out with the neighbours leaving me home feeling very pushed out. Finally I realised he had been moaning to the neighbours about me so they formed a bad opinion of me, yes couples can vent to there friends but he told them very private stuff that they didn't need to know. Just lately they have been telling my oh that they feel sorry for him that there this close to having a go at me! and that they are there for him plus to delete his messages from them as they keep saying nasty comments about me. Me and my oh never keeps secrets from each other and always tells me when they are being that way but he's not once stuck up for me and when I feel hurt by what they say he tells me so moaning. It's really starting to affect me as I feel I can't walk out my front door without them messaging my oh saying stuff like oh she's off spending again even tho I'm just going out for food shopping. I get no support from my oh and feel like he's siding with them even my oh has had bad run in with them, if he doesn't message them all day it's don't you like us anymore has your wife told you not to talk with us? I would never stop my oh from being friends with anyone. I feel very alone and trapped in this house I would love to hear from everyone who could give me so advice on this matter

FluffyPersian Thu 01-Oct-15 16:11:27

I'd personally leave your Husband.

Your problem isn't your neighbours, who are obviously stupid enough to believe only one side of a story, but your Husband.

Look at what you've written.

- He's moaned to the neighbours about you (this is a man who should love you and have your back)

- He's told them very private stuff about you

- He tells you they're saying bad things about you, but doesn't stick up for you.

No wonder you feel alone - it's because you are alone sad your Husband is an arsehole.

I'd suggest looking at other ways to make friends, maybe some local groups or a hobby? Then I'd file for divorce.

petalsandstars Thu 01-Oct-15 16:11:50

Your problem is your husband not the neighbours

bjrce Thu 01-Oct-15 16:17:28

Agree with petal, although I always think it's a bad idea to get in too much with neighbours, it always ends badly, hello and goodbye has always been enough for me, and o have no problems with my neighbours, we all respect each others privacy, but if I ever needed help with something I just know they're always there, iykwim!

WorzelsCornyBrows Thu 01-Oct-15 16:20:29

I've posted here about a similar problem I have, although the "friends" in my case are long term mutual friends.

I'm still trying to sort my situation out, so I'm not going to say LTB, but other posters are right, you have a DP problem not a friend problem. He shouldn't want to be friends with people who treat you so appallingly.

athenie Thu 01-Oct-15 16:28:08

I've had bad social anxity for years and the only child hood friend I still talk with moves all the time with the RAF. I really would love to make new friends but it's very hard for me and don't know where to start. I've looked into netmums local groups but there doesn't seem to be any meet ups around grimsby. Trying to be strong but it's hard

coolaschmoola Thu 01-Oct-15 16:36:26

Athenie there are a number of Women's Institute groups in Grimsby with members aged from 17 to 70. All very friendly and welcoming. Pm me if you'd like more info.

Wishful80smontage Thu 01-Oct-15 16:37:08

Agree with others the 'friends' aren't the problem your dh slagging you off, running around behind your back, excluding you and damaging your self esteem is- he sounds vile OP. has he told you things in the past to hurt you on purpose?

Atenco Thu 01-Oct-15 16:46:01

Honestly athenie, your husband is seriously contributing to your problem. First of all by running you down to your mutual friends and then by telling you about the success of his campaign.

I have similar fears to you, athenie, but they are mostly in the past. My abusive ex realise what my achilles heel was, he made up stories to get me to think that people were complaining about me.

Whereas I once had a lovely boyfriend who was the complete opposite. He would really build me up to myself and to other people. He moved cities and when I went to visit him all these strangers were delighted to see me because of what he had told them about me.

YellowTulips Thu 01-Oct-15 16:47:14

You are not the problem and neither are your OH's friends.

He is the issue. He's created a situation where you are the bad guy.

You say he is Mr Popular - well I'm pretty sure it's at your expense.

Of course people are sympathetic to someone who is "suffering" from living with a horrible partner....

He must have said something pretty damn bad if one day you are friends and the next they won't speak to you and are threatening to "have a go at you". Do you actually know what he said? It must be pretty extreme.

You do know you are supposed to be a team? Right now he's defiantly working to a different agenda.

You need to take off the rose tinted glasses. If he wasn't your OH you wouldn't have a problem or have to live in the arse end of nowhere. Stop blaming yourself and REALLY look at what sort of man (asshole) you are living with.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed Thu 01-Oct-15 16:52:53

I agree with PP. Your OH is the problem.

"if he doesn't message them all day it's don't you like us anymore has your wife told you not to talk with us?"

And this sounds bloody weird. Are you sure they aren't swingers?

DarkRosaleen Thu 01-Oct-15 16:55:40

I had an exDP who was similar to your DH. He alienated his family from me and a few friends too. He was furious when he found out I had a nice friendly relationship with a couple of his friends ( just mates in the pub) and forbade me to chat to them. Arse.
You need to think about why your DH has behaved like this. Then do something. But whatever you think or do, he does not have your back.

YellowTulips Thu 01-Oct-15 17:09:45

I'd also ask what he has to gain by isolating you - because that's what he is doing and you know what....that's emotional abuse.

Branleuse Thu 01-Oct-15 17:14:23

before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure you are not just surrounded by arseholes.

Your husband thinks that he makes his candle look brighter by blowing out yours

YellowTulips Thu 01-Oct-15 17:15:28

Yep - defiantly a candle snuffer

version74 Thu 01-Oct-15 17:20:55

Me and my oh never keeps secrets from each other and always tells me when they are being that way

This is a really strange way of viewing this. Firstly, he clearly does keep secrets from you; he has been talking about you behind your back to the neighbours and you didn't initially realise this. Secondly, he is not reporting back to you what they said because he is honest. He is telling you because he wants you to feel bad, and presumably because he wants to exclude you from these friendships.

The sides aren't you against them - they are you against him.

TheoriginalLEM Thu 01-Oct-15 17:24:31

your neighbours sound vile, but fuck me sideways with a cheesegrater - your DH sounds even worse!

You do realise he is the reason for your social anxiety don't you.

Its one thing to still pass the day with someone who doesn't like your partner (although id hope my DP would have the balls to tell them to fuck off) because you don't like bad feeling, but to go out and leave you at home.

That is possibly one of the saddest things i have read on here.

You are worth so much more that this man.

Are you working at all? do you have children?

magoria Thu 01-Oct-15 18:15:33

Your H has got you scared to leave the house and abused by your neighbours because of what he has said and done.

He does not have your back. He is happy, chummy and willing to go out with people who treat you like shit.

This is because he is happy for them to treat you this way.

You deserve better.

BolshierAryaStark Thu 01-Oct-15 18:18:53

Why are you putting up with this shit?
Fuck off both your partner & the neighbours.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 01-Oct-15 18:28:00

He's a passive aggressive manipulator: he's reporting back all this stuff that they are supposedly saying (embellished, I'd wager), in order to control your behaviour. He wants to use social shame in order to get you to behave how he wants you to.

He's a piece of shit and you should dump him.

I think your anxiety will be somewhat lifted when you are no longer living with a manipulator who slags you off.

WorzelsCornyBrows Thu 01-Oct-15 18:39:58

He has made them treat you like shit, he has excluded you and he has reported what they have said about you. He doesn't sound like he wants you to be happy or socially confident.

Atenco Thu 01-Oct-15 18:48:56

And now he has you so lonely that he seems like your only friend. That is classic abusive behaviour

Scobberlotcher Thu 01-Oct-15 18:52:42

Your husband is a cock.
He's done this.
If they do dislike you it's because of what he has said.
Why on earth has he done that to you?
And now he socialised without you, still badmouthing you?
He's a wanker.

Starkswillriseagain Thu 01-Oct-15 20:54:22

He's an arsehole. He's set this up with the neighbours against you and what peaches they sound! Likely cut from the same cloth. He's pretty much having an affair with them, minus the fucking. He's betray you, deceived, lied and manipulated the situation in his favour.

MatrixReloaded Thu 01-Oct-15 22:42:45

You are living with the enemy.

As others say your husband is the problem here. He's betrayed you massively. He's been whinging to the neighbours playing victim. He's a manipulative wimp and a insidious bully.

You need to Google triangulation and vandalizing. He sounds like Jr's got some sort of personality disorder.

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