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Please help me deal with this, friendship that was almost relationship (sad)

(13 Posts)
Chocamochalatte Mon 28-Sep-15 19:25:15

Brief history, I separated from my husband (mutual agreement) nearly three months later a mutual friend (that I hadn't seen for a fair while and lives a fair distance from me) got in touch and and we regularly chatted (nearly every day), two months later we almost met up but he got cold feet. He was going through a tough time himself. I got really upset, he couldn't see what he'd done wrong even though meeting up had been insinuated by him. I backed right off, but within a couple of weeks he was sending me messages.

The messages restarted as just normal friendly how are you doing type messages but quite quickly went back to being really flirty on both sides.

Two months down the line he asks when I'm going to be going up. So I give a rough date (nearly two months away) now we're five ish weeks away from that date and he's obviously got cold feet and said he's not ready for a relationship as he needs to sort himself out, he's an emotional mess etc. I get that he's been through a tough time in the last year with an ex what I find hard to cope with is leading me on and then dropping me. Although I'm pleased he's said this before I stayed with him (it would have been a big thing for me to have had sex)

I've also realised that majority of the times he's said he wanted me and wanted to see me was after a few drinks.

I'm new to all of this having been married for 17 years and a long relationship before that. Both not particularly healthy.

I'm really devastated by this though, more so than my marriage breaking down. We really clicked, he made me smile and is just a nice decent guy. The problem I have is that I'm not sleeping and I am now suffering from anxiety and think I'm having panic attacks.

How do you get over the rejection?

How do you move on from this?

Why am I reacting like this?! I'm normally so level headed...

Starkswillriseagain Mon 28-Sep-15 20:33:30

This man sounds like he's a real rebound OP. Are you sure you aren't transferring some emotion over to this from you marriage ending? It may not be because you loved your ex but it could be this has knocked your esteem and confidence for six?

DarkRosaleen Mon 28-Sep-15 20:43:23

He sounds confused (that's a kind way of saying a little fucked up)
He wants you then he doesn't, does, doesn't.
Forget him. Block his number, don't invest any more emotional energy on twats like this.
Good luck!

horsewalksintoabar Mon 28-Sep-15 21:07:29

OP flowers
I had an incredibly similar experience after my divorce many years ago. What hurt the most was that this rejection was worse than my marriage breakdown,as you yourself said. Weird isn't it? Many years later I look back and of course, in retrospect, my marriage breaking down was ENORMOUS. But I could rationalise it, make sense of it. It wasn't a rejection. It was the end of a long and vital chapter of my life, so the pain was different and lingering.
You're being pushed, pulled and teased by this guy at a time when you are wide open, vulnerable. You want love so much, a better love than the one that's been dying on you for years (I've been there) but the truth is, you're not really ready. Any relationship right now would be dodgy.
This will sound super corny but I mean it: It's YOU time. Have a relationship with yourself for a while, seriously. The best thing I did after this similar scenario was just close up shop. Looking for love was not on my agenda. Life... my life became my focus. After my marriage, which was a bit of a soul destroying one in the end, I just needed to build up my confidence, get to know myself again, enjoy life again on my terms. I remarried a few years later and am now 6 years into my second marriage. I never forget how lonely I felt after my divorce. But I grew tenfold. This is your time. Love will find its way back to you, for sure. But right now, you just have to get to know yourself again. Grow in strength, in spirit, and in confidence.
By the way, here's how I dealt with that guy (my rebound) who rejected me: I just stopped taking the guy's calls/responding to texts. I felt so used and like your fella, this guy would text and make all sorts of plans after a drink. I can't tell you the number of times he stood me up. I'd be there, waiting by the door for him to pick me up for our date. He never showed up. We went on one real date and 5 fantasy ones. It really got to me. I'll never forget being out in Regent's Park with my then little boy (who was 4 and is now a big 13 year old) and calling up my mum just crying and crying. She must have thought I lost my mind. I did! I was sobbing in a way I never did over my divorce. It was just the rejection heaped on top of me after losing the future I had invested in with my ex-husband. The rejection from that guy was the straw that broke the camel's back. flowers

Chocamochalatte Mon 28-Sep-15 21:37:49

I don't think I'm transferring anything from my marriage, it was dead a long time and a relief when he finally moved out.

Yeah I think he is confused, I've deleted his number, but how do you stop investing emotional energy when you feel like this?

Horse you're right, I do want love, so much. I want to be in someone's thoughts, he was texting me every morning every night and in between, asking how my day was, how I was, offering support with issues with my ex. I guess I just haven't really had someone caring like that before.
How do you get to know yourself? I don't understand... I've never felt that I need to do this. I'm very lucky, I have a great support network of friends, am close enough to family that I can talk to them. I have always been really independent, not felt like I've needed to rely on anyone - something which my ex didn't like.

I don't have much spare money each month. My ex is hardly giving me anything (£10 a week between two children), he barely sees them. I'm getting by but can't afford to go out regularly. I do get lonely in the evenings and weekends when friends are busy with their own families.

Starkswillriseagain Mon 28-Sep-15 21:58:31

Is he the first man to really chase you? Maybe you liked the feeling of being chased, of him making a real effort and behaving like he care? Especially if it's been a while since you had that.

It's hard to stop investing energy in thinking about them, but it's best to try and distract. What about some online courses on Coursea and Future learn?

Online dating?

springydaffs Tue 29-Sep-15 01:18:55

Online daring? Are you JOKING?? Op is red raw, OLD is not the place to go when you're red raw!

Sorry to be fierce though! OLD is not a daisy-strewn meddow but FULL of men who pull endless stunts not dissimilar to what has happened to the op with this guy. It's the very last place for her to go imo.

Op, some people are really quite fucked up - and getting into their orbit can make us feel nuts. You long to be loved bcs your marriage didn't deliver the goods: along this guy came and it looks very much like he was going to deliver the goods you one for. Then he strung you along which got you into a bit of a frenzy...

Horse is right, you need to withdraw, shut up shop, focus on yourself; grieve all the hope and promise of your marriage that came to nothing (in a drawn out way sad ). Your time will come but in the meantime b-r-e-a-t-h-e. Panic/anxiety attacks happen usually bcs we still beating/hold or breath/breath shallowly. Take a deep breath/sigh, down to your stomach. Do that now and again when you think of it. Be aware of how you're breathing and give your attention to slowing it down and making it more regular xx

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Tue 29-Sep-15 05:26:02

Tbh, OP, he hasn't done anything wrong and neither have you. You are no more ready for a relationship than he is, proved both by how quickly you became emotionally attached, the fact you resumed flirting after his first rejection and the effect the whole episode has had on you.

You might think there's no transference as your marriage was over a while ago, but emotions are funny things and can hide away amd then creep up on us when we least expect it.

You really do need to take some timeout for yourself and really focus on growing stronger. That way you're less likely tp be drawn in to situations that are likely to hurt you. Take care.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 29-Sep-15 07:19:42


No to online dating; you are nowhere near ready for that.

Love your own self for a change and work on further rebuilding your own self worth through counselling if necessary.

Think also about what you learnt about relationships when growing up; there may be some stuff there that really needs to be unlearnt. Read the baggage reclaim website.

Re your ex, I would pursue him through the authorities for child maintenance.

Chocamochalatte Tue 29-Sep-15 10:57:27

I am def not tempted by online dating! I know I'm no way strong enough for that, and tbh it just doesn't appeal to me. This guy I have known for 20 years (!) although not friends for that long. I'm just surprised how much it's effected me. I know he hasn't done anything wrong, we're both guilty of getting carried away.

I've deleted his number so I'm not tempted to message him. But I'll bloody miss him, miss talking to him. He's been such a support to me. But I also know he'll miss me, I just hope for the sake of both of us he doesn't message me again until he's sorted himself out, ie months down the line, when we're both stronger and able to keep it as friends. I don't want him out of my life forever just for now.

Chocamochalatte Tue 29-Sep-15 11:03:06

I suppose he was the first man to chase me, I have had other interest but stopped that immediately as I wasn't interested, they def weren't right for me. I don't what made him different, there was just something, a connection I suppose that I hadn't felt before.

I am seeking counselling though because I have never had to deal with anxiety or insomnia before and I am finding that really hard. My GP tried to give me anti depressants but I am in no way depressed, my first counselling appointment also proved that.

This is just all so new to me I have no idea how to behave if that makes sense.

Starkswillriseagain Tue 29-Sep-15 18:10:26

You need to take some you time Choc. Counselling is good, it helped with my anxiety- so did mindfulness which might also be worth a try?

Chocamochalatte Tue 29-Sep-15 22:37:01

I'm almost bored with 'me' time though, I want to love and be loved, God that sounds sad but I've drunk too much wine tonight... I'm rubbish at being mindfulness...

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