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Feeling insecure!(19 Posts)
Hi, so I've been with my oh for nearly 8 years. Theres been a lot go on in this time, he can't seem to help himself when it comes to other women. There's been so many times he's been messaging other women, sending receiving pics, and on one occasion I found him arranging to meet one in a hotel! It's been about a year since the last time I've seen anything to concern me so I guessed he had finally stopped with it all.
I went on hol a few weeks ago with our 3 children and my parents and the week leading up to it he seemed a bit off and kept his phone in his back pocket. So of course I went off feeling pretty unsure and concerned about what was up. Whilst I was on holiday I tried to keep him excited myself by dirty talk and sending him some pics of me in the bath etc, so I could keep his attention I suppose. When I came back he again seemed protective of his phone but the next night he fell asleep on the sofa so I went through it.
I found WhatsApp calls between him and an ex, messages to a woman he knew before me but has had relations with telling her he was outside her work and he wanted to see her (he's a parcel delivery driver and delivers to her work) but he was doing this daily. Status on fb (we aren't on each others fb) about how hot this and that woman are, and going through the history on his phone the night before I came home he was looking at pics of kayley cuoco from big bang, this night I was sending him pics of myself so why was he looking? I obviously don't excite him enough do I?! I also found he had been looking at dating sites and searching for nsa sex in our local area a couple of months ago. Of course this was a kick in the gut! I confronted him and he said he was looking at it with blokes at work when he worked in a factory and that it's what men do when the work in a man's environment. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong and that I was being pathetic cause he was only looking on a website, his exact words 'until I find him with his cock in another woman then what the fuck have I got to worry about?' his response to everything is he's a man! But he's my man so I don't think it's acceptable, is that wrong?
So of course my self worth and confidence has taken a bit of a battering yet again, I feel insecure. I'm barely eating and Ive found myself crying at times looking in the mirror at the wreck I see. I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel like I'm special and the most beautiful woman In the world to him but I don't. Ive spent nearly 8 years feeling 2nd best to woman who should be nothing. I'm sick of it. He says horrible vicious things when we argue, he told me the other night he would have everything to gain if he left but then cried the next day saying if he didn't love me and wanted to go he would go. That's what normally happens I put my foot down and say enough then he cries says the right thing and I roll over and let him walk over me like a doormat! I know il never trust him, I can't bare him touching me atm. What's worse than him doing this stuff in the first place is how it makes me feel about myself, ugly and worthless. As hes said before who would put up with a fat miserable bitch like me?! Im only miserable because of how I feel about myself and part of that is because of all this. Yes I am a bit heavy but on the other hand he as he was posting on his fb skinny girls don't have it apparently. He's always said he prefers women with something on them, and he knows I've been on a diet and getting more exercise to shed a few pounds, I'm doing that for myself but I don't get support just knocked down like I don't deserve to feel better about myself.
Sorry to go on I just had to get it off my chest. Am I being stupid? Is it normal and fine for men to do this?
You're not stupid, you know this is wrong. But you're being naive to let him continue to treat you this way.
He's never going to change. Never.
You need to get out of this situation because it is already becoming dangerous to your health. This man will mentally beat you down to nothing until you think you cannot be without him and you will never be good enough for anyone else.
Don't wait for it to get better, it isn't going to
He is not going to change.
Why on earth have you put up with this for 8 years?!
Why was he looking at pics of other women in the same night you were demeaning yourself by desperately sending him pics of yourself (because, let's face it, you know he was up to no good) and you were trying to keep him interested, is simple.
He wanted to and didn't respect you enough not to.
He sounds like an utter shit, but people will only treat us the way we allow them to.
Thank you, you're both saying what I know myself, I feel gutless when it comes to it. We separated the year before last and we're apart 9 months, he said at the time it made him realise what he had and that it made him want to change his ways because he wants his family and now this. I told him to leave the other week when I came home and he refused he said this is his home and he's staying. It'd actually my house I moved here when we weren't living together but bar short of calling the police and having my children witness a scene I don't know how to make him leave. I know it's never going to change and il be waiting for the next time if it doesn't end now. Ending it is the hard bit. Thanks again x
Plus his son also lives with us, so he uses that because he knows I won't turf him out on the streets x
You're mad to stay with him. He is a filthy cheating dog and he will break you completely if you stay with him. Come on, love yourself a bit.
He's treating you this way because you have allowed him to. You can't change the person he is but you can always choose what you want for your life.
He's such a horrible man doing this to you. You need to stop being a doormat and falling for his lines. He will never ever change, his type don't.
If it means calling the police to get him out then that's what you need to do. Unfortunately he needs to sort his son's living arrangements out. He's manipulating you by using his son, what are you expected to put up with this forever for the son's sake?
You have a responsibility to your own kids to model healthy relationships. 8 years is a long time to put up with this, life is short don't waste another day.
After the last time I said enough I thought things had changed he seemed desperate to have us back, I was a fool to believe it. The thought of putting my kids through it again holds me back Aswell, my eldest was devastated when he left last time. I know I can't go on like this, it's effecting me mentally. Il never trust him were just going round in circles. I had planned on asking my parents to have the kids Sunday so I can talk to him. It hurts that he doesn't seem to see how damaging this is to me us and the kids. I'm worn down and he doesn't care x
Why talk to him about it? He's just going to lie again and confuse you even more, just like last time.
This man will never be monogamous. If you require a partner who only has sex with you, then you need to look elsewhere. This man has shown you clearly and repeatedly over a period of many years that he does not value monogamy and does not care enough for you to even make the attempt.
Please be very clear on this: you are not doing your children a favour by staying with a man who so clearly disrespects you. Kids know, believe me. I watched my dad have affair after affair through my childhood while my mum did the pick me dance. Me and my sister knew exactly what was happening. As a result I internalised the message that marriage vows are optional for men and that you just have to put up with it.
Have a think about the practical steps you need to take to be apart from him. It sounds like the house is yours? so you can give him a reasonable notice period to be out (a month should be more than enough.) Check out your eligibility for benefits, if he is working currently then you should be able to claim child tax credit and working tax credit if need be. Use the "entitledto" calculator.
But more than this, also make emotional preparations, so that you are ready when he starts with all his crap about how he'll change and "I really love you babe I've been so stupid waily waily" Think about reminding yourself what a shit he's been and how insecure and anxious he's made you feel with his behaviour. Keep posting here and the famous MN Viper Nest will keep you on track
Thanks a lot! I meant talk to him about him making arrangements and leaving, I know too well there's no point talking about any of it because it just turns into him spouting rubbish and making me feel worse than I did to begin with. I just don't know what I've done to deserve this, I've been faithful to him no other man interests me, even when we were separated I didnt even talk to men I just got on with looking after my children.
I have already done the benefits calculator for myself and also for him so if he throws money in my face I know for myself he will be fine so that can't be used to manipulate my decision. My son who's 4 always gets angry at me if he hears his dad shouting he says I'm horrible for upsetting daddy, that kills me, hel be angry with me for him leaving.
Ive always felt like I mustve been an easy target for him, will play the little house wife and give him children while he gets to boost his ego and pretend he's got it when it comes to women. It's hard because I love him, if I could have it my way he would change and we'd live happily ever after, but after me giving him ample chances to do this he's obviously uncapable. My parents think he must have some sort of problem, and say them self he doesn't have the same values as us as a family. I know theyl be there to support me when it ends as they were before, my dad didnt agree with me taking him back he said he wouldn't change and that it would be a matter of time before it kicks off again.
We have 3 boys together and I agree with what you say about setting an example, I would hate for them to grow up and behave this way. He will disrespect me and belittle me in front of them often and somedays my eldest 2 don't take me seriously, they say whatever and tell me to shut up and go away. Of course I know this is not right!
My thing about Sunday is obviously it's the only time I can get the boys watched but if I tell him to go there is every chance he probably will as his mum is on holiday so he will go to hers, and hel do it intentionally to land me in it because a months rent is due on Monday when he is paid! I don't know how I would afford to pay it, he'd leave me with nothing as he has before. I did when we argued the other week write him a letter for the council giving him 2 weeks notice and told him I wanted him out. I rang the council the next day and explained that things aren't working and what are my rights and what can I/can't I do because he told me he has rights and it's not as simple as me kicking him out because of his son, and she told me that this is my house he had no rights to remain here if I do not wish and that I don't need to give him notice at all and I'm within my rights to call the police and have him removed. But because I'm not a complete arsehole and care for his son I can't put him through that so yes I will give him a couple of weeks to make arrangements. The problem being with that is he has time to worm his way out of it and things will carry on like normal. It's not as simple as telling him to go and he will because there are so many things and little people to consider and that's what holds me back from packing his stuff myself.
As you can see I do know that this has to be it because I can't go on like this anymore, I've looked into what I've needed to and am prepared for it. I coped fine if not better the last time with the kids because I didn't have this stress, I could get on with what I wanted to do, no one to answer to or run around after other than my boys of course. It makes me feel selfish at times because all of this takes over everything and yes it does affect the kids which I hate myself for x
There must be something wrong with me, I ask him everytime what it is and all he says is don't be so stupid! But there must be something for me to not be enough for him. Why are these other women more appealing to him? I just don't get it, I'm 9 years younger than him and most of the women he talks to are older and some even married. Theres one woman whos husband is a flight attendant and she's been on his case for years since we met, she messaged him the day of my scan with our eldest saying she loves him and wished it could of been them. I worked out who her husband was in the end and messaged him because I get fed up with it only being my life that gets ruined by it, of course I felt terrible for it after but the husband believed me. My oh wasn't the only one apparently he just needed proof to put in her face so he could leave. I don't see why people with everything at their feet, family and homes can so freely do these things. I always thought that love was about finding 1 person to share it with and having 1 life with each other. I know it doesn't always work out and not always because of cheating which is unfortunate. If he wasn't happy he should tell me, if I'm not giving him something he should tell me and I'd give him what he wants, anything to just live happily with the man I love and want. Instead as like many he just wants to dump on me it's not fair. It makes me sick thinking that while I'm at home looking after his kids and cleaning our home that he's been at work looking at that lot and I was oblivious. It's always the same, I feel comfortable so let my guard down and bam it's happening again. That's not love or respect I always tell him that x
That woman I say about is the one he arranged to meet in a hotel! He said he was humouring her and felt sorry for her because she has a disabled child! Why would he 'humour' her? Why would he not just say no?! I never believe his excuses yet everytime I believe the rubbish that comes after, I don't know why x
It's not that these women have got something you haven't. It's that he likes the thrill of doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing, and he likes feeling that he's got you fooled. No doubt he also likes thinking he's Billy Big-Bollocks because he's got more than one woman on the go.
I hate to say this, but if you've been having unprotected sex with him, I would get yourself an STI check. You can usually get one without an appointment by going to your local sexual health clinic and they are totally non-judgemental.
Please don't believe that he hasn't slept with any of these women, because he will have. He just thinks he can keep minimising and denying and that you'll believe it - because after all, that's worked for him so far
Can you make plans so that you're at home as little as possible after telling him to go and before he actually moves out? If you work, could you change your shift around at all?
Regarding the rent, I would ring the LHA on Monday and explain to them that your partner has left and you'll be starting a claim for HB/reduced rent and therefore you'll be a bit in arrears until that is settled. If you're a tenant in good standing to this point I think they will be okay with this.
There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with him. He's an abusive nasty letch. Some people are not capable of love.
Can you get help from your friends and family to get rid of him ? Your really doing your dcs no favours by having him around.
Get rid, let his son stay I you're happy to have him stay.
I really worry about what he may have given you
Look love, I'm not even going to try and convince you that he's wrong because u know that already.
What I will tell you tho Is that I kicked my ex out for cheating about 12 yrs ago. We had been together for 18 yrs and had 4 children, one a baby.
It was painful and hard and terrifying but nowhere near as horrible as your life sounds.
Having to try and keep him interested by sending him demeaning pictures of yourself and dirty texts when you should be enjoying your holiday is really depressing.
Make a change now, don't waste anymore of your precious life feeling like this, please.
Any work you can do with a counsellor to improve your self esteem would be very helpful.
Thanks everyone, a friend has said the same about getting checked out. I spoke to her about it all today and I've worked out something a bit off which never even entered my head at the time but because obviously it's all I can think about atm it's slapped me in the face. The last month he was working at the factory there was a 'discrepency' with his pay, he made a big song and dance about it at home because we were really short on money for bills but never once did he ring his work and quiz them or follow this up. He said it was because he was starting a new job and was to busy training and didnt have time to call. Managers worked the night shift so really he could've called, but thinking about it now it would've been around the time he was looking at the nsa sex sites! So I'm wondering if maybe he took himself some nights off?! There was a few mornings where he'd get home at half 6 after a 12 hour night shift where he wasn't that tired and he'd say he got some sleep at work. I bought it cause I had no reason not to believe him at the time. MUG!! So yeah I will try and get myself in the clinic on weds when I can get the boys watched. He knows as well as I do that I had to have a screen done earlier this year to check before I had my Coil fitted so it won't be me if there is anything.
I would happily have his son stay but oh wouldn't have that. I think I'm gna stick with telling him Sunday to leave and giving him a couple of weeks to make arrangements. My friend said I can go to hers in the evenings after the kids are in bed if I want to keep my distance and we can sleep at my mums on a weekend if needs be until he goes. If I can pull it off as calmly as possible and keep things amicable then that will be best all round, I also think it would show me for the decent person I am and maybe when he looks back hel realise what he's lost, in between looking for women to have sex with of course.
I just need to stick to my guns. I can imagine him coming home from work tonight all nice and chatty about his day like there's not a problem in the world. I sometimes wish he could see what goes over in my head somedays, I think he would be horrified at it.
He always tells me I'm gonna be a very lonely bitter old woman one day, but I think that will be him after he's lied and betrayed any woman he's ever been with. I have had enough, I've got a lot off my chest today and I feel better for having a vent. My friend is my inspiration, her husband had an affair last year and walked out on her and her kids, it's been rocky but now she's laughing and full of life. I want that to be me! X
Should I confront him about the pay and timing etc? I know hel feed me bull but I dnt want him thinking I don't have an idea of it. Will just be another argument, I don't know if I can deal with anymore x
It doesn't matter whether he's had sex with someone else or not, you don't trust him, he treats you in an awful way, he's in contact with other women the relationship is over.
"This relationship is over."
"I don't trust you, I don't like you, I deserve better"
Repeat, repeat, repeat. It's not open to discussion, negotiation etc. so don't waste your breath. He isn't going to admit it he'll just use it as an opportunity to run you down and accuse you of paranoia etc.
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