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So upset about how he treats us. I feel it's over but don't know where to start.

(15 Posts)
chocoholic05 Mon 14-Sep-15 11:39:10

My husband is a permanently angry man lately. When he comes home from work he is either shouting at the dc aged just turned 10 and 7 and me for an untidy house usually if there are toys around such as lego, cars or play Mobil. Or he is a filthy mood from work and shouts and swears at me. On Friday he didn't shout at us but was miserable and sullen. I asked him if he was ok and if he'd had another bad day at work. No he was fine he said. So I asked if was fine then why are you so sullen and grumpy then. I don't have to be happy do I he said. It was a good ten minutes before he would speak to ds and that was just to snap at him. Ds1 was playing outside. He then said are you going to get ds1 in or not? So I did but then took them to the shops because the atmosphere was terrible. The boys have even said to me let's make sure that we are out when daddy gets home because he always shouts at us.
If my ten year old hits ds2 h gets angry and snacks him. When I get angry with him for doing that he says he hit ds2. It's like that justifies it. He shouts at the kids. I tells him he's a bully and I get ridiculed for it. He is though. The other morning before school he told ds1 that I don't have a little boy I have a monster.
Yesterday we went out for the day and i went to the toilet and left them alone for two minutes. When I went to join them ds1 was crying. He said daddy pushed me over. His knees were covered in mud. I asked h what happened and he said I just pushed him that's all. Ds1 pushed ds2 so I pushed him. He was totally unapologetic. I was furious!
I know I need to leave him. My questions are where? how? I have nowhere to go! :-( We own our house and I'd like to stay but he would never leave. He doesn't see our marriage in trouble or that he has done anything wrong.
My worry is if we split up he would have to see them at least every other weekend. And isn't that the minimum? He would be alone with them. I wouldn't be there. Who would protect my boys then?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 14-Sep-15 11:48:29

As it stands you cannot fully protect them from the day to day realities of life with him. He is abusive towards all of you.

You need to seek legal advice asap with a view to getting this man out of your day to day lives. He is being physical towards his children and is emotionally harming you all.

No man is above the law and it is possible to get him to leave via legal means. Such a man post separation also would likely not take any interest in his children so your fears about him seeing them every other weekend are not based on fact.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will help you leave and they may also be able to give you some names of Solicitors.

chocoholic05 Mon 14-Sep-15 11:55:05

I will ring them. Thank you! sad

Perugia Mon 14-Sep-15 11:58:07

It sounds like he has anger management problems. I think you need to start planning your exit pretty sharpish.

Never be afraid to call 101 and report threatening behaviour, keep a diary too of his moods and the way he is with your children. This will help in the event that he seeks a contact order after you separate (and it sounds like would be good idea). Record everything.

He has physically assaulted one of your children. This has to stop now.

ImperialBlether Mon 14-Sep-15 11:59:39

Your sons are coming up to an age where their feelings about seeing their dad alone would be taken into account by the court. It's highly unlikely (no matter what your husband might say) that he wouldn't want prolonged contact, eg two nights at a time, anyway.

He does sound really horrible and miserable. He also sounds unhappy - is he going to object to a separation? Does he really think he has a good relationship with everyone in the family?

chocoholic05 Mon 14-Sep-15 12:05:37

He seems to think its was justified because ds1 pushed ds2. No it wasn't. He was wearing shorts. He had filthy knees for the rest of the day. I helped clean him up in the bath last night because it was so dried on by then. His knees were red. H completely downplayed it. It was my birthday yesterday too. A good idea to keep a diary.

chocoholic05 Mon 14-Sep-15 12:08:42

Yes he is does strongly object to a separation. He thinks were ok. Tells me he loves me. Also tells me that I couldn't manage five minutes without him. sad maybe he's right but I have to try for my boys sake

TheStoic Mon 14-Sep-15 12:19:17

Also tells me that I couldn't manage five minutes without him. maybe he's right but I have to try for my boys sake

He's not right. Time for you to prove it.

Perugia Mon 14-Sep-15 12:20:28

Of course he objects to a separation, it means he won't have anyone to sulk to and bully. He sounds like a nasty person. Pushing a child over to teach them not to push is ridiculous.

He lost his temper and reacted by assaulting a child, the fact that he wasn't apologetic show he thinks there is nothing wrong with his own behaviour.

Has his mood always been down? If it changed recently can you attribute any cause to the sudden change? Although it's not an excuse for his behaviour there might be something going on that you don't know about.

Also 'you wouldn't last 5 minutes without me' is a big red flag for me OP. It sounds like he thinks you are a child rather than a grown woman with her own opinions, thoughts and feelings. If he can push his children over what's to stop him doing it to you.

chocoholic05 Mon 14-Sep-15 12:33:54

Perugia his mum died in June. Every night i find myself playing the peacemaker between h and the boys. They don't told togoto bed. They get shouted at to go to bed. But they never sleep til late and always wake up tired the next morning. Every single time I pull him up for his behaviour he replies well they should behave themselves shouldn't they/he. It's his standard answer. He also criticises me through the boys. Your mother is this or that. I am never happy. I feel constantly on edge. sad

Perugia Mon 14-Sep-15 12:40:15

I remember my husband being very angry after he lost his mother, thankfully we didn't have children at this point or it would have been intolerable. One of the stages of grief is anger so this might be playing out right now but obviously it isn't acceptable to take it out on your DCs or you.

Is there anywhere you could go, maybe stay with a relative or a friend for a few weeks whilst he gets some space and grief counselling. He might benefit from a visit to his GP for a short course of antidepressants too. I believe Sertraline might have saved my husbands life at one point. He was like a different man when he started it.

Your husband needs to start talking and stop acting out. His mother has died and it is terribly sad, but he need to put his big boy pants on and realise that his behaviour will send his marriage down the toilet pretty quickly if it doesn't stop.

nagsandovalballs Mon 14-Sep-15 13:16:43

Take photos of things eg knees. Document everything as it will firstly clarify to you whether things are escalating in severity or. Frequency and will create evidence for court should you need to apply for supervised access. Don't stay thinking you can protect them - you can't, as shown by the fact that you wer gone a couple of minutes and something happened. Your kids would be better off having 12 days of peace and 2 days of aggro than feeling like they don't want to be in their own home (let's be out when dad gets home).

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Mon 14-Sep-15 19:23:53

Reading your OP was like stepping back in time to my childhood because my father was always angry and shouting too. We used to be on tenterhooks waiting for the front door to open each evening and, as soon as it did, would race upstairs to keep out of his way. He was never physical with us, but it was deeply unpleasant all the same. He used to shout at my mother, who never said a word, and she would cry so we would too. When our parents finally divorced, when I was 10 and my brother 12, it was a huge relief, though I don't think my mother has ever really recovered from the emotional abuse and we've been propping her up ever since. We saw him every Saturday and I hated it. He didn't shout as much but was always short-tempered, impatient and unpredictable.

Thank you for planning to get your sons away from this man. I hate to think of them going through what we did, particularly as their father is also being physical towards them. I imagine this will only escalate because he seems intent on justifying it and doesn't feel bad at all.

Good luck.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Mon 14-Sep-15 19:30:33

What was he like before his mum died?
He sounds awful but if he was a decent person before, then maybe he needs some counselling.
The telling thing is that he seems to think everything is fine. There doesn't seem to be any regret or admission of unacceptable behaviour.

ImperialBlether Mon 14-Sep-15 19:38:16

flowers for you, MagicalMrs.

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