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People attacking DP for role he is playing in DSS' life

(14 Posts)
stargazing2015 Tue 08-Sep-15 20:51:21

Feeling very weakened by this. Both of us are but DP being quietly philosophical. Advice gratefully received.

DP had a one night stand years ago which conceived DSS. Mother of DSS was unknown, in that she is local and shares many of the same indirect friends, but they didn't know each other as acquaintances or anything. They just met that night.

DP learnt he was the father fairly late on as DSS' mother thought another man was the father, who paid maintenance and had a peripheral role. we are not clear what happened but she then contacted DP and another man to say that she thought they were potentially the father. DP Tested first and the test was positive.

We had been going out for a little while, over a year, when this all happened. bit of a bombshell but that's life! He started to visit DSS and pay maintenance. Visits were difficult as arrangements being changed last minute etc.

Now things are a bit more settled. Visits are now EOW as agreed with DSS mum as he is still little and it is very strange for him having a new father figure in his life. It's taking time for him to adjust.

The difficulty lies with rumours that are circulating that neither of us can get to the bottom of. at various functions like birthdays, pub etc DP has been approached by people who he knows and who know DSS mum to say that they are appalled at what a bad father he is being, not paying his way, not having enough of a role. I'm using less colourful language than was actually used.

It's now becoming a pattern and I'm getting paranoid. I am almost at the end of my tether as I don't see where or why these comments are being made. DP has been very private about everything and so doesn't sort of respond at all when things are said. Just that he is doing his best and there seems to be a misunderstanding.

What do we do. How do we tackle it? Learning he has a DS was very difficult emotionally itself but all of this drama is making things incredibly sad and frustrating. DP has almost stopped socialising with anyone other than close friends as a result. Do we just ignore and be peaceful at the fact that we are doing ok and our best as a unit?

Kampeki Tue 08-Sep-15 20:54:01

That sounds strange. How much maintenance is he paying?

coffeeisnectar Tue 08-Sep-15 20:57:23

Stock answer is needed here:

Thanks for your concern but I was only told I was his dad on xxxxxx and since then we have been gradually getting to know each other and I am paying maintenance for him which was arranged between me and his mum. If you are hearing rumours then please feel free to pass on the truth. It's not fair on my son for his dad to be bad mouthed.

stargazing2015 Tue 08-Sep-15 20:59:08

He is paying the legally required according to his salary and also buying bits on the side.

Kampeki Tue 08-Sep-15 21:01:22

Well, that's fair enough. Coffee's response seems reasonable.

Unless you just go with a simple "Whatever gave you that idea?"...

stargazing2015 Tue 08-Sep-15 21:05:39

I do appreciate that what he pays in maintenance doesn't go anywhere near what it takes to pay for bringing up a child. He did consider paying more but we have a steep mortgage payment so very difficult and pay freeze at work. It just seems to be Chinese whispers really. That's my impression. With a couple of people sticking their oar in and then more gossiping. The stock response works I think. It's calm but firm.

DaemonPantalaemon Tue 08-Sep-15 21:15:15

So do these people not know about the other man who was paying maintenance and thought he was the father?

stargazing2015 Tue 08-Sep-15 21:23:58

I have no idea. I would assume so but from what is being said it doesn't sound like they even knew about the paternit test. It's not the kind of thing DP wants to explain to them too.

FluffyMcnuffy Tue 08-Sep-15 21:29:26

what he pays in maintenance doesn't go anywhere near what it takes to pay for bringing up a child

Well there's your problem then.

stargazing2015 Tue 08-Sep-15 21:57:45

Well the money issue is my fault really as we had a restructuring at work and I was told redundancy or reduced part time hours. I took the pt work and fill up some of the other time with a or admin job but it's a real struggle to afford the mortgage now. I want to try and retrain but need to save to do this and currently running in debit almost every month. We will get there and if I make it the strain on dos salary will be less

stargazing2015 Tue 08-Sep-15 22:00:35

And then he will have room to pay more

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 08-Sep-15 22:18:38


Unless someone has told them what he pays, I really doubt it.

elliebellys Tue 08-Sep-15 22:26:29

Dont worry what other people say,its none of there business long as you know maintenance is being paid nd your paying a share of extras nd building a decent relationship then you know that your doin your best.take no notice of local gossipers.

sleeponeday Wed 09-Sep-15 02:45:23

You can't plan for a child you didn't know existed, and you can't magic money up that doesn't exists. Acknowledging that the payment needs to be more than CSA minimum in future, when that's feasible, is a damn sight more than a lot of people would do in this situation - not that he deserves praise for not being a complete arsehole, but he doesn't deserve crap, either. He's stepping up and learning how to be a dad.

I think Coffee is right. He needs to state that he only found out on X date, and since then has paid maintenance and is getting to know his son in the slow and steady way that is best for the little chap in question.

You and your DP sound decent people, incidentally. Too many kids are badly let down. So glad this boy is unlikely to be one of them.

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