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Holding back from relationship because I wear fake hair

(24 Posts)
Poppy8967 Sun 16-Aug-15 11:39:17

I have tricholtillomania, which means I have to wear a hair topper to look normal (like this fortunewigs.com/mazali%C3%82%E2%84%A2-human-hair-toppers-kippah-toppers-hair-pieces-c-21_23.html). I look great wearing the topper - it's given me so much confidence and makes me feel pretty. it's totally undetectable to the eye, though not to the touch if you try to grope my scalp!!

I really fancy this guy, and he has made it clear that he finds me attractive and would like to go out with me. I'm holding back though, because of my hair. Its such a personal thing and I have no idea how a man would react if I confess that half my hair is fake! I just want to keep my secret to myself, until I know him a lot better, but the thought of him finding out by accident makes me feel sick. If he started groping my head he would probably find out.

Ugh, I just don't know what to do sad How likely is it that he will be repulsed and run a mile if he finds out? How long can I keep him from groping my scalp - (do men ever actually do this?! )

LoneRangeress Sun 16-Aug-15 11:59:01

Aww Hun.
We obviously can't speak for him, but doubt he would be repulsed by it. Most girls these days wear fake hAir to some extent.

Why not just tell him. Get it all out in the open and start the relationship (if there is going to be one) on an honest open level so you don't have to worry every time you get close.

If it bothers him, he isn't for you anyway and you deserve someone who won't judge.

Bless ya.. And good luck xx

SavoyCabbage Sun 16-Aug-15 12:15:06

You should watch the Chris Rock film about hair with him. I think it's called 'Good Hair'. It's about the lengths that women go to to have, well, good hair!

Fugghetaboutit Sun 16-Aug-15 12:21:14

If he's a nice person he'll be lovely about it and understand and it won't change his feelings for you.

If he is weird about it, he's not worth it.

scarlets Sun 16-Aug-15 12:23:45

Lots of women have hair extensions, false eyelashes, plastic tits etc etc and men are going out with them, or married to them. A decent bloke won't care, I can promise that. If he's put off, he's a wrongun.

Noeuf Sun 16-Aug-15 12:32:45

I don't think I'd be upfront at the start tbh. I have ocd and I'm not sure I'd reveal that until I felt comfortable. Better to date him and gauge his feelings towards mental health conditions maybe - not in a direct way but people let slip their thoughts through casual language and observations. It doesn't defect his heel th so you don't owe him any information.

pocketsaviour Sun 16-Aug-15 12:42:26

Unless it's likely to come off or slip if he lightly ran his fingers through your hair, I would probably not reveal anything until you'd had a few dates, but before you sleep together (in case he grabs your hair really tight during oral.)

I think Neouf has a good tactic about trying to gauge his approach to MH problems.

cocobean2805 Sun 16-Aug-15 13:28:53

I have dermatilimania, its not something I'm necessarily conscious of anymore but my DH noticed quite quickly into the relationship that it's directly linked to my anxiety levels. I'd get to know him a bit first, you will be able to guage his feelings and reactions after a while, and I've found that people are more honest when they aren't aware, IYKWIM, but if//when you go ahead with telling him about it, don't be apologetic, its part of you, and its nothing to be ashamed of or worried about, plenty of women wear hair pieces,

cocobean2805 Sun 16-Aug-15 13:31:22

Posted too soon, its just part of your life, and if he is lucky enough to be part of the your life in an intimate way, then it will be part of his life too. If he revoils and is all shock and horror, he isn't someone you want in your life anyway and you can do MUCH better. Have you ever tried CBT? It does help. flowers

Poppy8967 Sun 16-Aug-15 17:02:06

Thanks for your responses - I really appreciate it. Do you honestly think most decent guys would not be put off by this? I'm tempted to just tell him, but am terrified how he might react.

HedgehogAtHome Sun 16-Aug-15 17:08:10

Do you honestly think most decent guys would not be put off by this?

100% honestly think it won't put anyone off, tell him when you're ready, but if he's a decent guy it wont matter one jot to him.

VerityWaves Sun 16-Aug-15 17:12:21

The only problem is when and if you get " physical" with him. No need to say anything before that certainly not on the first date.

Garlick Sun 16-Aug-15 18:06:57

Mine's a combination reply, I'm afraid, and more pragmatic than ideal.

I'd tell him about the hair as soon as you like. But I'd say the sparse patch is due to "illness", with no further details, until you've decided whether he seems worth a relationship. Basically, I'd go:
1. This hair's fake.
2. I have anxiety.
3. They're related.

As PP have said, fake hair's totally commonplace now and there are as many reasons for wearing it as there are hairpieces. Mental disorders are just as commonplace, as it happens - but rarely adopted for cosmetic reasons (wink) Anybody who's put off by a hair problem is a shallow git, obviously, and not good enough for you. Some people might be scared by a mental health problem through ignorance, so I'd save that part until he knows the real you (if things go that far.)

Good luck!

BramblePie Sun 16-Aug-15 19:32:31

Hello, i have trichotillomania too. I have never worn a topper, never seen them before so thanks for sharing that link.

I wouldnt worry about what he thinks, no man i have been in a relationship with has ever been put off when i have told them. I didnt say anything to start with and none of them ever asked. In fact some friends have even said they never noticed. I usually get to a point where i feel really down about my hair and feel i have no choice but to tell my partner and whenever i have they have been very understanding. Will try to distract me, hold my hand etc and have never judged me. I really wouldnt worry and i dont think he will be anything other than supportive to you. Xx

Rabbitsnap Sun 16-Aug-15 19:48:48

A relative of mine has the same condition. She has always had a hair piece/ covered her head. She has been with one lovely man for 20 years now, and before that had a few long term relationships with great guys in her 20s and early 30s. I have never asked her at what point she told her partners, but it has certainly not stopped her from meeting lovely men, and staying in relationships with them.
I can see why you would feel extremely anxious about him finding out accidently, and thus being forced to reveal something so personal and sensitive too early on.
If you want to have sex, could you just mention you wear a hair piece, but save explaining your full condition until you feel comfortable doing so. Obviously, he may then ask questions, but he may well not, and assume it is just a cosmetic thing. Ultimately, if he is the right man to have a relationship with you, whenever, and however you tell him, it will not be a big deal. Good luck

Poppy8967 Sun 16-Aug-15 21:56:00

Thank you everyone for taking the trouble to reply. I think he'd be OK with the fact that I have a mental health disorder, but the thing that bothers me most is the discrepancy between how I present myself to the world (looking like I've got lovely hair with the topper) and the reality - I look so strange without it, and never let anyone see me without wearing it. I'm worried he'll feel like I'm a fake, but I don't know what else to do. I just want to look normal sad

AWayToGo Sun 16-Aug-15 23:37:56

When I'm at home alone I look rough as hell - pasty faced, sunken eyes, not the best skin. When I go out of the house I look gorgeous - covered in make up; great clothes - nobody suggests I'm fake. I'm just making the best of myself, as you are.

You mentioned up thread you'd be worried about him groping your hair and realising its not real. Take control of this situation - why would you let him 'grope your hair'? Nobody gropes my hair - I wouldn't want them messing up my extentions and laquer.

Take things slowly; get to know each other and reveal details as and when it seems right. He may be accepting of the condition you have; he may not be. The most important thing is for you to feel good about yourself.

SnowflakeObsidian Mon 17-Aug-15 07:22:50

I have fake hair due to breast cancer. It's growing out underneath but still short and patchy. Everyone has a different way of dealing with things, but my attitude is that if someone is going to be put off they are going to be put off and better to know before I get attached straight up, because if they are then they aren't right for me and my circumstances are they?

So I laugh and joke about it openly and they know to begin with. If I couldn't do that I would probably message and become mates before getting together date-wise and just drop it into a message so there isn't the awkwardness of seeing their face change if they are disappointed!! Then if it is a deal-breaker they can just carry on being mates with no hard feelings and no need to discuss it.

So far I haven't noticed any guys acting differently towards me. Most of them think the wigs are cool. I'm far more miserable and worried about my missing breast to be honest - if I had a matching pair I'd be happily going for it! ;) But to be honest, what men and women think they would mind considering it in the abstract and what they mind when they have genuine loving feelings for someone are two different things IME.

Poppy8967 Mon 17-Aug-15 07:26:25

AWaytoGo and Rabbitsnap - Wow, thanks for your replies - massively helpful!

Vatersay Mon 17-Aug-15 07:29:08

Poppy would you dump a guy if it turn out he had false teeth/ a plate?

Of course not - this isn't any different.

Poppy8967 Mon 17-Aug-15 07:33:10

Snowflake Just read your message - so sorry about the cancer - but what you say makes total sense - thank you flowers

Poppy8967 Mon 17-Aug-15 07:39:44

Vatersay No I definitely wouldn't dump a guy for that, but i'm not sure it's totally the same . My hair is a massive part of my look - ironically it looks very 'natural', unstyled and bohemian (sort of pre-raphaelite), but the sad reality is that it's not natural at all. Part of initial attraction is definitely visual, which is why I feel such a fake, even though I know I shouldn't really be feeling like this and should get over it.

Smilingforth Mon 17-Aug-15 15:15:22

Just be honest and open. If he's a good guy then he'll be fine with it; either way you'll know

Vatersay Mon 17-Aug-15 22:01:04

Poppy I can completely understand why you feel sensitive about this, I think that anyone would. It must be a very hard step to take in a new relationship.

Previous posters were right though - the right guy won't mind.

Best wishes.

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