Should I end our marriage?

[Kayakwonder]

I'm so lost at the moment, apologies if this is badly written
I'm 30, DH is 35, together 8yrs and married for 3 of them.
We're from totally different backgrounds, work in completely different fields and have no mutual friends or interests. When I met him in my early twenties this seemed refreshing, now it feels tiresome.
Once a month he will go out with a group of male friends and come home at 2am drunk, waking me up even though he knows I need to be up at 6am for (stressful) work. This makes me angry to an irrational extent.
He's always known I don't want kids, said this was fine. Now his friends are having babies he nags me for "just one baby". As if it's like me agreeing to something trivial like a trip to Spain, where I'd do it just to please him?!
He is incredibly irresponsible at times, acts like a teenage boy, eg driving after drinking 4 pints, not giving the dog her essential medicine even when I leave a note reminding him, not picking me up when I was stranded with a flat tyre.
He refuses to have a joint bank account and makes large purchases with consulting me, eg bought a £5k motorbike randomly (he already has expensive car).
His male friend verbally assaulted me while drunk at a party (I was sober and caught totally off guard) and he did nothing to stop it. He's still mates with this vile man.

Would anyone stay in this marriage? He can be sweet and funny but I don't know if I can see myself putting up with his annoying ways for the rest of my life. Can't admit the problems to friends as feel like such a failure

[inlectorecumbit]

You sound like polar opposites and want totally different things.

Life is too short, if he isn't making you happy move on and find someone that you truly gel with

[eddielizzard]

you really don't sound happy.

[CalleighDoodle]

Nope. Theres nothing stolling you from being able to walk clean away. Dont look back.

[CalleighDoodle]

The only thing that would make you a failure would be failing to secure your own happiness. He sounds awful.

[winkywinkola]

it sounds like a real mismatch to me.

It's not really a failure per se, is it? I mean, everyone does their best and that's all one can hope for.

Do you love him?

[PacificDogwood]

Seek some counselling for yourself to clarify your own mind.

None of us here can actually tell you what to do.
Under no circumstances consent to trying for a baby unless you want to.

Good luck.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

He sounds very immature, selfish, and he doesn't 'have your back'. I personally couldn't live with this. It doesn't sound like you want to either.

[Offred]

Even if you did want a baby he's not exactly showing himself to be father material is he?

It sounds as if you've reached the contempt stage which is very difficult to come back from, agree with pp, life is too short.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm afraid that the deal breaker is the disagreement on having a child.

Immaturity, selfishness, even lack of mutual interests can be worked on or worked around, if you really want to. But when one party wants a child and the other doesn't, that's not something anyone should compromise on, no matter which side of the issue they're on.

[Kayakwonder]

I do love him but I believe neither of us are 'in love' - sex only happens twice a year so how he thinks a baby could be made I don't know.

Spongebob you're right he doesn't "have my back". What's the point then?

Thank you Pacificdogwood counselling sounds good for me. No way he'd attend.

[Kayakwonder]

Acrossthepond I think you're right.

If he got to age 40 and I hadn't given in on the baby issue (which I wouldn't do) he'd probably just leave me anyway.

[TheCowThatLaughs]

I'd leave him. The brilliant thing is that you don't want children so no hurry to find someone else. And it'll give your h chance to find someone to have children with if that's what he wants.

[PacificDogwood]

There's nothing more lonely than being lonely in a relationship IME - take your time and take care to clarify your own mind, and then act on that.

Being different does not preclude a happy relationship, but you should be able to feel that you are both on the same team, the you are together and pulling in the same direction.

Hope you work it all out

[thenumberseven]

I don't think either one of you is in the wrong here. You are just going in opposite directions, ships in the night.
It's not even as if the physical side of the relationship is working.
I don't think you will grow closer, on the contrary it's more than likely that you will grow further apart as not even on the same wavelength
Let it go.

[Kayakwonder]

TheCow I wish he'd have the guts to leave me since he's the one who needs to find someone to have a child with! Me leaving makes me look like the bad person.

Pacific, I AM lonely, that's a good description.

Thenumberseven, yep there's no 'glue' to stop us drifting further apart.

So sad but perhaps my future will not be as bleak as it seems at the moment.

[Twinklestein]

Bollocks to failure, 40% of marriages end in divorce, are 40% of the population failures?

You have nothing in common and he's actively obnoxious and immature. You've very young to be stuck in a dead end like this. Get out while you're young and you've got plenty of time to find someone more suitable.

[ImperialBlether]

Who cares what anyone else thinks? Let them live with men who treat them badly if they think it's so worthwhile. The things that got to me were when you said he didn't pick you up when you were stranded with a flat tyre and then when he stood by when his friend insulted you.

It's not worth staying with anyone who does either of those things.

You should be excited now - you can lead the life you want to lead and find someone who will love you and treat you well. Pack your bags!

[Sapat]

I don't know whether you should leave him but I am puzzled as to why you married each other just 3 years ago?

I think he acts immature because there is no need for him to be mature. Why save if you are not going to pass it on to anyone? People settle down when they have kids. Your disagreement about kids, rather than his behaviour, is the real issue. Your problem is not that you don't have shared interests, you don't have shared goals. It is a sterile marriage where nothing is constructed.

[Lweji]

People settle down when they have kids. Your disagreement about kids, rather than his behaviour, is the real issue.

I strongly disagree.

For one, it's both. But people in general don't become responsible and mature just by having kids. They may, but there are no guarantees.
If he doesn't get your back and isn't there for you and doesn't work like a couple regarding big expenses, then never have children with this man. The most likely scenario is that he will continue to be selfish and irresponsible.
It's possible that you don't want children with this man, but that is for you to figure out.

In any case, if you are not happy with each other, you can leave. You shouldn't worry about how it makes you look.

[thenumberseven]

People who have your best interests at heart won't see you splitting up as you being a failure. In fact, they are probably wondering just why you are with him.
Being sweet and funny part of the time is not enough reason to stay married to a man child.

[pocketsaviour]

He sounds like a tiresome idiot.

See a solicitor, because you should be entitled to a share of his motorbike and car. They are marital assets, along with the house, and if he acquired both after marriage, my understanding is they go in the financial pot.

I'm not usually a "take him for everything you can" type but I'll make an exception in this case.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

Sounds like you've just drifted apart. No shame in that. You do a lot of growing and changing from 22 to 30.

Nothing to stop you leaving the marriage if that is what you want, particularly as there are no children to worry about. Good luck!

[Jan45]

He sounds a bit immature and you sound quite sensible, not a good combination. Could you tell him it's last chance saloon to save it then if still no improvement, move on, tbh, if my man allowed his mate to verbally abuse me, it would be the end, and still he sees him, charming.

[AcrossthePond55]

Remember that the longer you stay, the harder it will be to disentangle your lives. Right now all you have to do is open your own account, move XXX amount of money to it and pack your bags. Even if you own a home together, it would still be relatively easy to handle either a sale or a buy out. There will be (I assume) no spousal maintenance to consider, no huge joint assets to divide.

It's never a failure to admit a failure. It's a failure to stay when you know something has failed. If you were driving a car and it broke down, would you sit in that broken down car by the side of the road? Of course not, you'd get out of that car and start walking.

[thenumberseven]

What AcrossthePond said.
Spot on