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Why are men so confusing?!

(8 Posts)
Selina1113 Mon 10-Aug-15 00:30:12

Oh god I need advise cause I'm getting so frustrated. I'll try keep this short, but basically I want to know where I stand.

I've been talking to an old friend who I recently got back in touch with. It's only been a short three week friendship so far, but I already feel like we've married and divorced and loath each other it's been that crazy! So we spoke over messages for like 5 days solid, I constantly had a massive smile on my face because they got flirty very quick, and it was cute. He then came round my house the next night for a few hours. Problem is, I was so beyond shy and awkward cause he seems awkward too, until the last hour where we both became more relaxed, then when he had to leave we both got sad cause we didn't want it to end so quickly after finally being okay. We had a hug, and we both were dying to kiss, but neither had the balls to just do it. When he left we spoke again for a bit he said he loved that his top smelled of me, and I jokingly accused him of "dying to have sex with me" and he actually replied "no comment" haha, the way he looked at me was a sign he felt more for me, then two days later, NOTHING. the replies were not like how they were before. Two weeks passed to a few days ago, and I tried talking again and he now claims he isn't getting my notifications that's why it's taking a while to message back. I also asked for his address and he perked up a bit in replying quicker, but again it's just fizzled out and it's been two days since the last message. I've now changed my mind and genuinely only want to be friends with him, I just need to see him in order to prove this! But don't want to message too much in case he starts to think I'm weird haha, or gets annoyed.. I've been reading on the internet why this happens, and it could either be he's just not interested anymore and he's distancing himself, or he likes me more than he originally realised and doesn't want it to get any stronger - again something else we used to joke about, I used to say in a jokey way he had an obsession with me, and he used to agree haha - I now don't know what to do! I have a feeling he's trying to get with another girl, and it doesn't bother me, I just don't want to seem like this weird clingy person who looks desperate, I just want to talk in person again, revive them awkward moments at mine and be friends!!! What do you think? I just needed to write this somewhere and get advise or opinions, whatever. I couldn't hold this in any longer! It's doing my head in!

BertieBotts Mon 10-Aug-15 00:43:10

Slow down! Stop reading. Stop obsessing and ascribing meaning to everything. Breathe. Wait.

He's just a person, a human person, not an alien from the planet man, and he could have a hundred different motives, an article isn't going to tell you what those are and neither can we.

BertieBotts Mon 10-Aug-15 00:43:52

What's your situation? How long have you been single, do you have kids, how old are you (roughly!)?

hashtagwhatever Mon 10-Aug-15 00:44:09

Three weeks?, I'd forget about him.
Sounds like a game player.

Reekypear Mon 10-Aug-15 00:45:21

Sister....you need to Kool your jets....whoa.

First coming across as desperate and over the top is scary for men.

You need to be cultivating a life around you, have bags of self confidence, create a air of....great to see you, but I'm fulfilled and happy if your not interested. You got to make em work for it, and I don't mean it, I mean the privilege of your time and company.

If you don't value you, and he sees you dont,meh won't.

I see so many posts about women whose BFs wont commit, marraige etc...why would a man, if he gets it all on a plate.

Respect yourself.

Selina1113 Mon 10-Aug-15 01:14:58

I know I need to cool, sorry. It's just been getting to me haha.

Learning self confidence is something I'm working on, I've always had low self-esteem and an anxiety disorder blah blah.

I never expected him to commit to me, I have two children and he's not after that. Originally I was looking for it to just be a "casual thing" if I'm completely honest, but then i realised we both have small feelings for each other and if we were to have sex I'd be the only one to suffer because I probably couldn't disconnect the feelings with just causal sex, so I'm saving myself there. That's why I just want a friendship with him, I'd be lucky if my friend count reached 5 nowadays, so it was nice when I got talking to someone new.

BertieBotts Mon 10-Aug-15 02:15:06

Ah, don't beat yourself up. I have done this and it didn't work out that well. That's the problem with old friends, there is always the history and you might both see it in different ways.

Could be that he isn't interested at all. Could be that he's interested in sex but worried that you want more and doesn't want to hurt you. Could be that he has feelings for you but the situation is too complicated for him so he's distancing himself. Could be he has several women on the go or on the back burner and another one is more interesting.

The only way you'll know is if you ask him directly what he wants. But I would back off a bit first and wait and see what he does or says. If he's not initiating contact at all then he's not that into you. Of course if it has been a while then it's fair to ask him what's actually happening between you, but don't get into a pattern where you're only ever the one contacting him.

So a tip I got on mumsnet years ago when I was tying myself in knots over some guy: Never give more than 25% of yourself to another person.

That does NOT mean (as I originally thought, and immediately discounted) that you should lie or hide parts of yourself or pretend to be somebody you are not. It means that there are important things that it's essential we create for ourselves rather than relying on a relationship to provide them for us. Happiness, sense of fulfilment, self pride, security, plans for the future. Don't let more than 25% of any one of these things rely on another person.

Happiness - yes it's okay for a relationship, friendship, flirtation to make you happy but have other things which make you happy too. If you're lacking them, then create them. A hobby, a project, other friendships, work you enjoy, something that you used to enjoy but don't do any more. Look on the "small things which make you happy" thread for inspiration.

Fulfilment - usually we get this from a sense of something done well or something being "right". So I would look: Career kind of things. Either making a plan so you know where you're headed, doing some training, attempting a promotion, looking for a job/new job. Parenting can be fulfilling especially if you feel like you're doing well. Get on Pinterest and find some nice easy free summer activities to do with DC (or if pinterest makes you feel like a failure, back sloooowly away from the computer and get a book from the library instead grin) Get your house in order and decorated nicely.

Pride - similar to fulfilment but often we look to relationships for this because this is the whole compliment thing - we don't allow ourselves to really believe what's good about ourselves unless somebody else says it. So either make a list of your good qualities and remind yourself of them every day or make a list of things you've done in the past which made you feel really good and do more things like that. If you're brave, ask your friends and family what things they like about you and offer to do the same for them.

Security - difficult if you do feel insecure but it's worth sitting down and working out how you will support yourself for the next X years and how everything will pan out - just helps you feel more in control.

Future plans - the realistic, the idealistic and the crazy ones. And work out the steps to make them happen and start doing them, even if they are tiny. Just plan for yourself and the DC - if the right man comes along they will fit into them, and if they don't, you'll have a great time anyway.

If you have those things even half sorted, you'll have yourself a great life that any man would have to be pretty spectacular to be allowed any space in it. Which is good! They also make you more interesting AND keep you busy, so you have less time to obsess. Every time you start obsessing or worrying, do something else. Get off facebook, or whatever, and get your 75% of yourself back.

DonnaHaywood Mon 10-Aug-15 03:31:30

Amazing post Bertie. Thank you for that smile

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