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(10 Posts)
Hubbahubby Sun 09-Aug-15 17:07:20

My DW desperately wanted to give birth naturally but it looks like a section is coming instead. What do I do or say to help her? She had her heart set on a natural delivery and I think feels like there's something wrong with her for not doing so.

glasshouses88 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:37:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sminkypinky Sun 09-Aug-15 19:39:42

The same thing happened to me. I'd been on hypnobirthing courses and had the "perfect" birth planned out. Only to have my waters break and 48 hours in labour which wouldn't establish properly, uterine hyperstimulation due to the induction I had to have and was then rushed for an emergency c section. I felt awful, like it was my fault for weeks afterwards and it took me a long time to come to terms with it and to realise that it wasn't my fault. I found that a debrief at the hospital afterwards helped me realise that it wasn't my fault and helped me move on.
It sounds like your DW knows about the c section in advance? Would it be possible for her to speak with her specialist or midwife about the reasons why she has to have the c section? Once it had been explained in detail to me I realised that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it happening. The best thing for you is to be there and listen to her and try to reassure her that it isn't her fault.
If she is able to plan the c section in advance she may be able to have some of her own "touches" like music she likes playing which may help.

holeinmyheart Sun 09-Aug-15 19:47:10

You CAN'T fix things technically so all you can do is LISTEN to her distress and say soothing things to her. As in 'you are going to do the best you can' and ' I am sure that things will go great ' etc etc. ( they will probably be OK anyway)
Do nice little things for her such as buy her fav magazine and nice soap to put in her hospital case.

Listening to her, MEANS looking at her, not at your iPhone or out of the window while she is speaking and just quietly agreeing with her. Wipe her tears and give her hugs.

You cannot fix her predicament so don't try, as it is annoying.
Just be supportive and empathise. She will be fine.

Xx for her and your baby. She is lucky to have you as you sound so caring.

Zillie77 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:53:56

My best friend had her children by C-section, and I had mine vaginally, and we would both can tell her that the most meaningful part of childbirth is becoming a mother (or father), and not how the baby slipped into the world.

I will say that the recovery time seems a bit longer, on average, after a C-section, at least as far as my friends tells me.

Hubbahubby Sun 09-Aug-15 20:12:26

It's our second and will be her second c section. I try and say it's one of those things and I just want them both home safe, but just wondered if there was more I could do. The soap thing is a good idea - thanks x

Cabrinha Sun 09-Aug-15 20:23:49

Is this all happening imminently? Or advanced notice? If she has time and inclination, she might like to talk to women on here who have been through similar.
If you have some time, perhaps she can think of elements of the birth that she hoped for that can still apply. For example, would she like you to be the person to tell her the gender? Baby to come straight to her chest? If she does pregnancy yoga meditations, they are not redundant - my sister did hers lying on the trolley waiting to go in!

I agree with PP though - actively listen, and don't over ride her feelings - if she needs to cry that this isn't what she wanted, don't just say "all that matters is baby is healthy" dismissively.

And don't forget that baby aside, this is major surgery - so get ready to step up in ways you maybe didn't think of. She may need more help for longer - increase your paternity leave perhaps?

Hubbahubby Sun 09-Aug-15 21:10:13

Happening tomorrow - we've both hoped that nature would take its course. Trying everything to assist as you do but to no effect. She has seemed really down about it today and I was hoping for inspiration.
I don't get paternity leave and holidays are used up almost so it's difficult to do more. I'm hoping family will step up to assist.
I hope I'm pretty good at listening but a reminder never hurts! Thanks for advice all

Artio Sun 09-Aug-15 21:17:04

I felt similar after both my caesareans, the first emergency and the second planned. Try Googling "natural cesarean" for some ideas about how to make it as un-clinical as possible. It might be too short notice to ask for the surgical parts of this, but the ideas about stuff like immediate skin-to-skin might be useful.

holeinmyheart Mon 10-Aug-15 09:08:42

Well I have my fingers crossed for you both. Take some really lovely chocolate or expensive biscuits with you. When she wakes up and comes to, she may be hungry.
Horrible as it is, there is one silver lining that she may well be glad of later on. After several live natural births my bits are as wide as the Mersey Tunnel. Hers will be remain nice and tight. I have to keep up with my pelvic floor muscle exercises otherwise it is zilch feeling for both of us. Sorry.

Obviously you can't say this to her ATM as you may well get your face slapped.

Please Let us know how you all get on. Fingers and toes crossed. Xxx

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