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This is what I've wrote to my husband....

(18 Posts)
Janekai88 Sun 09-Aug-15 13:31:44

After months of knowing he was looking for a she male escort and has had this strange fantasy for years now I've decided enough is enough today I wrote him a letter which I will give him because he doesn't listen to a word I say.

First of all I just want to say I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore, my life is a constant worry now and all trust has gone. I still love you but I don't believe a word you say anymore. When our daughter award born and we were both ill in hospital you only cared about going home to watch this stuff and please yourself I sat and cried all day and you just ignored me. Since finding you were looking for these man women escorts whatever they are I have been sick to the stomach, I know you must have some urge that I can't please. You show me no attention at all I feel like I'm here as a mother and nothing else, I am a woman and I have wants and needs and feelings which I feel like you may not care about. I can't talk to you, this morning I told you how insecure and scared I was feeling and you just said I was mad and 'not this again'. I feel like I have to tip toe around you and when I don't do or say something right then the whole worlds problems are my fault. I cannot live or have the kids live in this life, yes I lose my temper at times everyone does but you have a problem and you know that. I can't even argue as I'm terrified who you will go off and talk to. I don't deserve this, no one deserves this.

Is that too much?

Dowser Sun 09-Aug-15 13:34:52

Not at all and just cross put the I'm sorry at the beginning. This is not your fault.

Dowser Sun 09-Aug-15 13:35:41

Why should you feel you have to apologise. Just start with I'm not doing this anymore!

Finola1step Sun 09-Aug-15 13:38:38

Yep, cross out the sorry. I see no reason for you to apologise.

Changebagsandgladrags Sun 09-Aug-15 13:42:56

Do you want him to move out? If so put that at the end with Please move out by x date.

Just start divorce proceedings, honestly. You won't get the response you want from him. He's not going to read it and have a lightning bolt of realisation. He knows how he treats you and doesn't care about the effect it has.

AJNH Sun 09-Aug-15 13:45:03

Agree with the others, no sorry needed there! Not from you anyway.

Sounds like you're doing the right thing, I couldn't live like that either. flowers

butterflygirl15 Sun 09-Aug-15 13:54:07

I wouldn't waste any words on him. Just get yourself a SHL and get rid. You deserve so much more than he will ever give you. And yep, stop apologising. He doesn't do this because of any failings of yours, it is all down to him and him alone.

borisgudanov Sun 09-Aug-15 14:01:37

You don't need to explain yourself or take any responsibility. Put his kit in bin bags in the front garden, and the only words you need are "Fuck off and don't come back". If you want to be verbose you can add "you bastard".


Janekai88 Sun 09-Aug-15 14:20:30

Lol thanks everyone! I've got a new place to live I've pack all our stuff today, he says he loves me but I can't believe him I can't even leave him alone for 5 min without worrying what he's doing it's unfair but he will blame me I know it!

goddessofsmallthings Sun 09-Aug-15 14:24:57

Delete 'I'm sorry' and 'I still love you'. Omit the entire sentence beginning 'yes I lose my temper' and ending with 'you know that'. Delete your final sentence 'I don't deserve this' etc as it's self-pitying and resolve to ensure that he's the one who'll shortly be feeling sorry for himself.

Consult a SHL in order to establish where you stand financially and to confirm that what he's been up to/continues to do is unreasonable behaviour which can be cited as ground for divorce - take with you any evidence you have such as screen shots etc,

After you've instructed a solicitor to petition for divorce, add 'Under the circumstances you have left me no alternative but to end this sham of a marriage' as your final sentence.

Please don't think that writing to your h in this manner will bring about any alteration in his behaviour as, no matter what he may promise, he'll continue to search for she males, lady boys, rent boys, gay male escorts, etc until he takes the plunge and hooks up with one, if he hasn't done so already.

You do deserve more, honey. Make sure you get it with a loving and caring straight man

sleepsoftly Sun 09-Aug-15 14:27:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Janekai88 Sun 09-Aug-15 14:44:05

I haven't got any evidence didn't save anything I was too shocked never thought about it at the time but all my friends and my mother know about this. He can lie all he wants making everything my fault but I've honestly done no harm at all. Yeah I looked at this escort site and some of them had beards I'm repulsed by it to be honest I'm sorry but I think it's a sleazy disgusting thing he is doing and I deserve more respect. I've given up on him I will never take him back now!

pocketsaviour Sun 09-Aug-15 14:58:00

Sleepsoftly that is hugely offensive to transwomen.

OP if the letter makes you feel better to write it then fine, but don't expect him to make any changes as a result of it. And I agree with PP's to remove the "I'm sorry" bit!

After you move out, if he does come crawling back and promise he'll change, have you got a plan prepared to keep yourself strong and tell him to fuck off?

sleepsoftly Sun 09-Aug-15 15:00:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pagwatch Sun 09-Aug-15 15:02:07

Write whatever makes you feel better but you actually don't have to explain yourself.

Janekai88 Sun 09-Aug-15 15:20:06

I'm just writing this so he knows why I'm leaving as he thinks he's done nothing wrong. I feel disgusted by his fantasies and they are not what I want or need. I do not want to be involved, each to their own but I don't like it at all. He doesn't want sex with me now hasn't since I found out he makes up excuses and tbf I've had enough of that too I want to be wanted. I don't want him back I'm done if he tries to come back I want nothing more to do with him, I will only see him for my lg and I want no conversation.

Dowser Sun 09-Aug-15 17:35:47

Good on you. Let him indulge himself elsewhere while you make a life yourself with hopefully someone else .

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