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This is so difficult and it just shouldn't be.

(7 Posts)
ShirleyCarter Sat 08-Aug-15 17:38:08

Background - Split with dp week ago after 5 turbulent years. We both made mistakes, him cheating several times, my low self confidence meaning I took him back every time and it went round and round in circles until we just had enough. It was starting to affect dcs so he walked out on Saturday night and that was it. I just knew it was over for good this time. He said some very nasty and unforgivable things and I won't ever look at him the same way again.

A few weeks ago he accepted a fb request from a woman he knew from years ago. She was in his friendship circle and they shared some really good times by the sounds of it. All fine with me, a small niggling feeling of there being something more but I put it down to my insecurities because she is absolutely stunning.

The argument causing him to leave over something very minor which he escalated into a huge problem which we were unable to solve.

I have his fb password, he does not know this and yes I know it's very wrong and this could be my own fault please read on with the knowledge that I know I shouldn't be snooping.

He has been private messaging her on and off a lot the past few days. I haven't heard much from him but he had dd2 (dd1 is not his biologically so he has decided he doesn't want to continue his relationship with her and this is one reason we will never reconcile) on Monday night Wednesday night and last night. I have gathered that he was out with her and her sister on Thursday night, and he is keen to go for another night out soon to reminisce and have a few drinks.

This is hurting me a lot. Not that he has met someone but the fact he is out having a drink with her, enjoying her company when we had not been out together for months and have probably had about 10 nights out together in 5 years. Most of those were the first year of our relationship when things were really good.

He has mentioned her to me over the past few weeks and every time he says her name his face just lights up. Even when he says her name it just sounds right. I don't know if that's the best way to explain it he just sounds so comfortable saying it and I can't remember the last time he said my name without it being angry or followed by an accusation.

I feel so sad. Really heavy sadness and I don't understand why. He was a total bastard most of the time yet he is like a new person. I mentioned to him this morning that I was told he was seen out with a woman and he denied and denied that anything was going on, said she's an old friend but I just have this gut feeling that it won't be very long before they are a couple and I'm not sure how I can deal with it.

We have finished, I've accepted that but I'm so so hurt that he has moved on or is moving on so quickly after a 5 year relationship.

Did I really not realise how little I meant to him?

I need to think of ways to deal with these feelings of hurt because if I bottle it up I'll explode and end up doing something ridiculous.

Sorry that was really long and I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, I'm a bit upset just now and feel so much better now I've written that down

pocketsaviour Sat 08-Aug-15 17:47:49

Sweeping statement but:

Women like to lick their wounds and heal after a relationship break up.

Men like to fall dick-first into the nearest available fanny.

It's just different ways of dealing with it.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 08-Aug-15 19:30:56

Once a bastard always a bastard. It's only a matter of time before he starts treating her the way he treat you. People rarely change.

Look forward, it's going to be so exciting meeting someone else and falling in love again don't you think?

Anniegetyourgun Sat 08-Aug-15 19:38:21

Very likely he manufactured the row to have an excuse to flounce off and start a new romance. Some people are serial starters. Give him a year or so and they'll be down to two outings a year as well... Oh, and get out of his FB. You've already found enough evidence. The main reason is that it is doing you no good at all to stalk him. He's gone, she's going to be his next squeeze, nothing more to see here folks. In a little while when it has all sunk in you will be glad you are no longer with a man who can treat your DD so thoughtlessly, for one thing.

butterflygirl15 Sat 08-Aug-15 20:44:27

He cheated on you and treated you like shite - the rest is irrelevant. Stop looking and make sure you block him and her on FB and start working on yourself and looking to your happier future. Being embroiled in his shenanigans going forward will not bring you any happiness or resolution - it will just prolong the upset. Start valuing yourself and stop the torturous looking.

lavenderhoney Sat 08-Aug-15 21:06:19

You say it's been turbulent for years so perhaps it's a good thing it's over tbh.

You can live in calm and find out what it means not to be embroiled in drama and emotion. You might want to start a thread about that or see a counsellor or just make some plans about reading, taking care of yourself, starting a new hobby. Be self aware you are used to drama and are seeking it out, perhaps?

He sounds a knob btw and forget his password etc as its doing you no good. Ignore him and especially ignore him if he comes running back as she won't let him move in.

winkywinkola Sat 08-Aug-15 21:20:34

You needn't worry. He's not going to change. It was fantastic in your first year together, right? So give it a year or so and his true persona will emerge again.

And she will feel the same way you did.

Feel sorry for her. But don't ever think he will change.

Be sad. But things are on the up for you! You'll see. Maybe not this week but you'll feel it pretty soon.

Chin up.

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