Is this what 40 feels like?
I do not like my job and I increasingly do it half-heartedly. It is very niche, took me 10 years to train for it, and impossible to move out of it without a drastic change of career. I am terrified of starting something from scratch, not least in terms of what that may mean financially.
I live in a nice house, entirely designed and decorated by my husband, that everyone compliments but that feels alien to me. I deal with the builders, he does the aesthetics.
We have two nice but complex kids; they both had undiagnosed problems for a long time from birth which made for a very stressful and miserable existence. #1 is finally doing better. #2 is extremely demanding and hard to manage; he is showing some developmental issues. Both kids adore their father and always prefer to be with him than me.
My marriage is difficult; it has been for a long time (6+ years out of 15). Husband is a very capable, highly intelligent, with impeccable taste in things, handsome, very involved father. He cooks often, is very tidy, plays with the kids, etc. Sadly, he has never found me ‘pretty’ (only ‘attractive’). He criticises every choice I make: not once, in all these years, have I chosen something for the house or for him or indeed for the kids that he has liked. At best, he only raises an eyebrow and tells me to agree to disagree. Same happens with many opinions.
Whenever I try to explain why this hurts and I feel undermined, he gets angry. Any sadness or tension on my part is met with ‘What have I done now?’ or ‘what do you want me to do?’. Occasionally, he will agree to whatever I suggested but pull never-ending faces. By that point, I doubt my choice and feel going ahead with whatever it is was just a dreadful mistake on my part.
We attempted counselling, at my request, a few years back. We only managed the assessment. It was horrendously bruising. When asked to list nice things he could about me and why he had fallen in love with me, all he said was that I was good at my job and a good mother (even though, in practice, he questions my mothering).
Delivering #1 completely destroyed my nether regions. Painful scars, added to other reproductive and urinary system problems, means very little, unpleasant sex. Twice a year may be an exaggeration. We do not have a sexual bond although we are affectionate outside the bed.
He brought up the issue of separation when #1 was a few months’ old; he suggested he would leave. We agreed to try to avoid it (see counselling above). We’ve been crawling along since. We are at a point now where I wonder whether to raise the possibility. I would be the one to leave. Children like him best and I know I could not cope with them alone. At the same time, I do not have the funds or the will power to take the step. I have been a close witness of a few divorces and do not think I could manage to swim through one without buckling completely. The kids do not deserve this and, as far as they know, all is fine but I suppose this will change over time.
I now feel completely trapped. On every front.
AIBU and I should just get my act together? Is this what most marriages are like at some point? Or am I just having a mid-life crisis?
THANK YOU for reading to the end; if anyone started reading the long post while young, they are probably middle aged by now...
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Mid-life crisis or marriage over (or both)?
Purpleme · 07/08/2015 15:08
Not having friends really isn't pathetic at all, but rather a sign of how little time you've had for yourself and how little you have considered yourself worthy of spending time on. 
I am sure that if you got out there with the intention of meeting new people (and the energy to do so) you would make loads of new friends. You sound absolutely lovely, but drained to the point of exhaustion.
Perhaps one answer is to find things that are happening during the day, that you can get along to? It might be a sewing class or degree-level Russian, or anything in between. If there isn't already a Meetup group that caters to your interests over the 9-5, they why not try to make one? (Streetlife can also be good for this). I will bet you anything you're not the only person in that big ole city with your interests who sometimes feels hopeless and lonely in the day.
I'd also say that I think you're right that however bright and creative someone is, having pieces missing on the emotional front is a pretty big deal. What I was trying to say, and not articulating very well, is that you sound a bit star-struck by him, rather than being his day-to-day partner.
Anyway, I wonder if this role of being his fangirl and chief cheerleader is one that he has 'given' to you in your relationship - and whether you've provided quite a lot of ego-support to him, to the exhaustion of your own sense of self-worth? (Have a read of this. It doesn't apply directly to your situation - you're not a sugar-baby, thank goodness! - but what the author says about massaging male ego being an exhausting and unfulfilling job might ring true. Or it might not! thenewinquiry.com/essays/letter-to-a-young-baby/). My point is that however brightly his light shines, it ought not to mean that yours is correspondingly dimmed. 
purpleme - so you are out all day at work for 12 hours, and you then turn around to be a mum to two very young kids, one of whom may have SEN? And on top of that, you're an adoring wife? To me, you sound like a superheroine. I think you would to most women, actually. What I'm trying to say is that, from my perspective, you look remarkable and all shades of amazing, and that there is something wrong if you don't feel that about yourself (in spite of being exhausted by aforementioned superheroineness).
I understand the pressures of life in London, with housing and transport and childcare being so expensive. I used to live there myself, and I vividly remember the feeling of utter exhaustion generated just by working and commuting each day. I also realise that your husband is clearly very involved in houses, maybe architecture, interior design so 'home' is likely to be very personal for your family. But is there any way that you can scale back at all to give yourself less time at work and more time doing things that you actually want to do? You mentioned in your first post that you don't really enjoy your job any more and that this is an element in you feeling so trapped - so what about a career change or even a move elsewhere in the country to somewhere with cheaper housing - so that your costs are reduced and you can make a fresh start? Is there a way of making that happen or is it impossible for you for logistical reasons?
for you. However much your DH doesn't appreciate you (and he can go suck it), we think you're great and amazing.
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I wonder if you suffered from PND after your DC1. How you describe the traumatic breastfeeding and the feeling of the lack of bonding rings so true with how I felt after DS2 and I did have PND. It's difficult to recognise sometimes while you're so bogged down in the day to day grind of daily life.
DS2 & I probably didn't bond until he was about 6 (sorry if this is bad news) but the good news is that he's now 17 and we have a fabulous relationship.
Anyway back to you. You sound utterly exhausted and as though you are facing an uphill struggle every day, while you've been given lots of practical advice if you just don't have the energy it's hard to see the wood for the trees. Try to look after your diet keep your energy levels up and don't despair over what you see as your DCs preference for their dad, sometimes the parent a child feels closest to is the one whose presence they take for granted, there is no need to ask for you as you are always there.
Take care
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