Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

"I'm gonna fucking stab you"

(30 Posts)
Scootergirl45 Thu 06-Aug-15 14:39:22

Had to name change.

Those last words that ex (DS dad) said to me, were the words that pushed me to leave for good.

DS dad and I were both 17 when we we met and had DD the year after. We were on and off for 6 years. He has always been abusive, physically and mentally. But I kept going back, hoping he will change, I will leave him then go back to him, this was going on and off for the past six years. I kidded myself that because he was young, he would change when he got older...well his now 23 and his still the same abusive prick.

We broke up for about a year so that he can "fix" himself, he went to DV classes, he seemed to have changed, there was no more jealousy, he wouldn't go through my phone, I could say no to him without him getting a tantrum, he was there more for his child. However, (just graduated) I was stressing over my exams, and DS dad kept begging me to see him, I said I couldn't because I was very stressed, tired..you name it...(I didn't see him for 2 weeks). I told him that I love him, but in the time being just wanted to concentrate on my exams. The behaviour started again, he got very jealous, accusing me of seeing other men and then he said " I'm gonna fucking stab you" and that was it, I stopped contacting him and changed my number. I suspect he was seeing someone else, but I don't care anymore.

I didn't feel right when we were in a relationship, I didn't have any more children with him because I didn't want to bring another child into our mess, I was also afraid of SS may take DS away and I didn't want DS to be brought up in an abusive household, I didn't trust him and I didn't see a future with him.

It's been three months now since we've last saw him and I've just started to ache for him. Why do I feel so sad? I'm so worried that I won't be able to meet a new partner and have more kids... I'm just so sad and alone.

Though, I guarantee in October he will be coming back to me as he wasn't born in the country and used DS for the reason why he wants to stay. He has to renew his visa later on this year and immigration want proof that he has been having regular contact with DS. He hasn't. Though, he will beg me to lie for him.

I need to get a grip.

MrsHathaway Thu 06-Aug-15 14:59:33

You don't miss him - you yearn for what he should have been. You're worth so much more than him, and you have the rest of your (now qualified!) life to live.

RitaCrudgington Thu 06-Aug-15 15:03:33

You have behaved bravely and impeccably and should feel very proud of yourself. Do you have RL friends and relations who can support you in remaining strong, and with a bit of luck help you get him deported?

Scootergirl45 Thu 06-Aug-15 15:14:43

Thanks for the replies.

Rita I don't want him to be deported.. but I'm not going to lie for him.

MrsJorahMormont Thu 06-Aug-15 18:58:35

If any man told me he was going to fucking stab me I would consider his deportation a blessing. Not just for me but the whole bloody country!

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 06-Aug-15 19:06:48

Do not lie for him. He's only used you throughout to get what he wants.

Men like him also hate women, all of them. He does not want to be fixed and no-one can ever act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. People do not fundamentally change.

Work on rebuilding your own self worth and esteem through counselling if necessary.

Look too at what you learnt about relationships when growing up. Did you meet him at a bad time in your life?. Look also at the Womens Aid Freedom Programme; this is for women who have been in abusive relationships. Do not also let a perceived but incorrect fear of being alone keep you grieving for this person. I would also look up co-dependency within relationships and see how much of those behaviours fits in with you as well.

BTW why do you not want him deported?. He is no decent role model to your DS and this individual has not even kept up regular contact with his child. Your child deserves better from life and so do you, you just need to fully believe in you.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 06-Aug-15 19:20:16

The immediate fear and horror around the break-up have started to fade and you're remembering the happy bits. Yes, they happened, I'm sure, but so did all the bad stuff. Six years is quite long enough to give over to a vain hope, don't you think?

paulapompom Thu 06-Aug-15 19:20:41

Scooter - I think now time has passed some of the horror and trauma of the dv and unreasonable behaviour is starting to fade. That's good, you are healing BUT don't forget. He sounds like a controlling bully, you have done the hard part and broken away.

People don't make threats to stab other people without it being something that has crossed their mind. You are keeping you an dc safe, well done stay strong flowers

paulapompom Thu 06-Aug-15 19:21:37

Annie - great minds x

Vatersay Thu 06-Aug-15 19:27:51

Whether he is deported or not is not your responsibility. It's his.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Aug-15 19:30:18

I think you should take this golden opportunity to get this abusive prick far, far away from our shores and not tormenting some other poor women like he did you

Come on, take one for the team

This is no sort of father to hope for contact with your dc surely ?

One less. One at a time.

Scootergirl45 Thu 06-Aug-15 20:21:48

Attila I just don't want me to be responsible for deporting him, I feel guilty/ Stupid I know. Vatersay even though it will be me telling them that his not got in contact with his son? I'm worried he may come after me if I tell immigration the truth...perhaps I shouldn't say anything..

Yes he has chosen not to have contact with DS.

Atilla I was young when I met him, he was my first boyfriend, nothing bad happened in my life during that period. I was head over heels in love with him.

But thank you guys for your messages, I will keep strong, not allow him back in our lives and move forwards for DS and I sake.

Scootergirl45 Thu 06-Aug-15 20:24:46

paulapompom You are so right. Not only that (since he wast abusive for a while) when he first said those words, I felt sick, my first thought was what kinda psycho says that to someone. But before when we were close in our relationship I would just kinda shrug off that comment.

I've realised that all this time I've gotten used to the abuse, it became normal and when he wasn't abusive for a while and the abuse happened again, it was an eye opener.

LiverMummy25 Thu 06-Aug-15 20:34:52

Scooter I felt like this with my ex. He broke my self esteem and made me feel as though I didn't deserve better. You start to feel angry at yourself for not seeing the signs but their not like that at first are they? They are complimentary and caring and then just when they gain your trust their true self comes out.

You are very brave. Big hugs to you.

Scootergirl45 Thu 06-Aug-15 20:44:11

Thank- you Livermummy

Skiptonlass Thu 06-Aug-15 20:48:28

Get the fucker deported (unless he's from Sweden, don't need types like that round here....)

Seriously. Do NOT lie to immigration.

Very glad you're out of it. As others have said, you're not missing him, you're grieving for what should have been (happy partnership etc.) that's perfectly normal, just don't get sucked back in, will you?

AnyFucker Thu 06-Aug-15 21:07:34

Tell Immigration about his threats to you, too

LoisPuddingLane Thu 06-Aug-15 21:17:01

He threatened to STAB you!

goddessofsmallthings Thu 06-Aug-15 21:26:13

The only possible response to " I'm gonna fucking stab you" is to call the police. Why didn't you?

I guarantee in October he will be coming back to me as he wasn't born in the country and used DS for the reason why he wants to stay. He has to renew his visa later on this year and immigration want proof that he has been having regular contact with DS

You can head this off at the pass by making contact with the Border Agency and telling them what you've said above, namely that he has not had regular contact with your ds, and this may go some way to ensuring that he is not granted another visa to enter the UK.

Does he make regular child maintenance payments in respect of his ds?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 07-Aug-15 07:19:57

Folks, don't get too excited about the prospect of him being deported. Even if he applies to renew his visa and it is rejected he probably won't be deported and OP will still be dealing with an abusive man. Advising her to contact ukba isn't good advice as it's likely to antagonise and won't achieve getting rid of him.
Op, don't lie to immigration obviously. The best thing you could do towards getting him deported is report his threats to the police. But you don't want him deported do you?

Skiptonlass Fri 07-Aug-15 07:49:41

He threatened you
He hasn't bothered to see his child.

And you think you'd be responsible for ukba looking into him? Why? It's HIS actions that have caused this, not yours.

Report the threat to the police on 101.
If ukba ask you a question, tell the truth.

The main thing is that you, and your child, are safe. Do not let him back in your life. Log ALL threats with 101. Take screen shots and email them to an email address he doesn't have a password to.

Fromparistoberlin73 Fri 07-Aug-15 12:53:15

you have done so well, HI FIVE OP!

you got your degree, you have raised your son and you have escaped an abusive relationship

its fine to feel lonely, but don't ever ever go back to him. as being with him means you wont have the space to meet a nice kind man who does not use you, and threaten to stab you

stay happy, and please stay as strong as you can as he is NOT your responsibility- he can huff and puff all he likes,

Scootergirl45 Fri 07-Aug-15 14:15:08

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. Obsisdian.. is right, I don't think he'll get deported, worst that could happen is that his visa will be rejected and they may advise him to apply for private life to settle in the UK instead.

Immigration have a vast knowledge of his domestic abuse towards me..going back years and the police are aware of this recent incident. But the immigration judge overlooked it as he was seeing DS regularly at the time.

No he does not pay me maintenance..never had.

I'll tell immigration the truth.

Scootergirl45 Fri 07-Aug-15 14:17:18

Oh yes... I did phone 101 to say that he threatened me etc. I didn't tell the police as overtime he has threaten me they don't do anything about it

scallopsrgreat Fri 07-Aug-15 14:33:29

You know you aren't responsible for whether he is deported. He is. He could stop being an abusive prick and engage with his DS. He has that choice. Please don't think he doesn't. You haven't taken that choice away from him.

He knows the consequences, in terms of deportation, but just expects you to lie for him. And as you say he probably won't be deported. But it's good that you have a record of his domestic abuse. Coupled with the fact you have proof he isn't keeping regular contact with his DS mounts the case against him. And life will become uncomfortable and stressful for him while he sorts it out. My heart bleeds for him. No really. However, be aware that through all that he will blame you because it couldn't possibly be the consequence of his actions.

What I'm saying is, in terms of whether he will change/understand/stop being abusive because of this, there is Bob Hope and No Hope. So don't think that this could be a method of him seeing the error of his ways or anything. It won't be!

Good luck flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now