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confused.com

(13 Posts)
josie4272 Tue 04-Aug-15 13:31:02

A very close friend as direct me to this site. so be gentle with me because im a newbie.

so why am i here!!!!! yes its man, please get yourselfs a cup of coffee because im really going to spill alll.

ok here goes. Almost 2 years ago i meet the most amazing man,to say he ticked every box is an unstatment.i had been single for two years, and he had just become single.within a few weeks of being together i knew we would have some difficult times ahead for a number of reasons. 1 he lives with his mum,2 his kids,and 3 he has very little time.I accepted this as i felt and feel its not forever.
As time went on and we were discovering each other.he told me he liked to cross dress.id like to add at this point i am a online cam girl and have work for years on chatlines.(the phone chat i have done for over 10 years and was something i told him withinthe first week, and he was totally cool with it, web camming come along a few mths later and before i decided to do anything i spoke too him again he was understanding and cool with it.

so back too it, because of what i do i feel i have a greater unstanding of kinks and fetishes, he told me thats all it was.so has time when on we share so beauitful times together. then one night he was out with the boys having a curry,and i was at home,and i kept hearing this beeping noise
it was his tablet. he had left it on the bedside table . so i looked on it saw he has been sex txting an ex, so i sent a txt basically saying what i had found.
few days later we talk and sort things out. great we are back on track, i feel.

few months pass and i cant believe how lucky i am. this person gets me, understand me makes me feel so complete.
then i discover he is on a fetish site. again we have it out,he tells me he dont need that what we do is enough for him. so he deletes the account
and again i try to put it behind us.
then the start of 2015 and again i find out he has reactivated this fetish site again. we have it out, ive told ive not problems you being on there i just want you to be honest about it. i dont want secrets. so after yet anothe fall out and me trying hard to sort us yet again. he gives me his password.i log into it and im not shocked by anything, but what i see makes me qestion so many things about us.
then dont ask me why. but i use same details and i gain access to a social media account. what i saw on there totally floored me.there was sex messages, but what hurt more was the messages he was sending to one female, who isnt in the country, who is married, these messages were more of love. to say i was heart broken is and understatment.
so i forwarded what i had seen too him, and his reply is they was just words.
i really am at a point where i dont know what to do anymore. because we dont want to be without each other. but how can we go forward. after talking with him in detail of how i feel. i get the feeling he is addicted to what he is doing. i dont feel he has cheated, as in actually done IT.
and he has said a number of times he is lost. what do i do. I just cant walk away from this man .

InTheBox Tue 04-Aug-15 13:57:16

Why can't you walk away? You are effectively just going to prolong the pain if you stay hoping to make it work. Can you trust him again? Every time you feel you are getting back on track and then he just derails you again is unhealthy for you.

butterflygirl15 Tue 04-Aug-15 14:02:00

Walk away - find your self respect. This isn't love in any way, shape or form. He is treating you like a fool and you are accepting that.

Be single and work on yourself and find out why you have such low self esteem - don't you think you deserve way more than he is offering you?

josie4272 Tue 04-Aug-15 14:03:06

Bcause of how strongly i feel for him. and because, when i got into his fetish account, and read the messages i got a strong feeling of guilt that he actually doesnt want to be that way.

josie4272 Tue 04-Aug-15 14:05:40

I wish it was that easy,honestly i do.

butterflygirl15 Tue 04-Aug-15 14:15:24

so you loving him gives him carte blanche to treat you in this way?

Because I love him is not enough reason to put up with this disloyalty. He won't stop doing it. You are just giving him permission to do it again.

josie4272 Tue 04-Aug-15 14:20:25

ive asked myself many times, is it because of my job. because i do it.
but what i do is just a job.

pocketsaviour Tue 04-Aug-15 18:23:01

The only way this can work is if you can accept he has text/phone sex with other women, including declarations of love. So if monogamy isn't your thing, then it'll be fine.

However, you seem to feel hurt that he's doing this. It's clear he's not going to stop doing it. So if you stay with him, you are accepting that he's going to hurt you over and over again. Is that what you want?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 04-Aug-15 20:16:57

"Almost 2 years ago i meet the most amazing man,to say he ticked every box is an unstatment.i had been single for two years, and he had just become single within a few weeks of being together i knew we would have some difficult times ahead for a number of reasons "

Having been single for 2 years, you were desperate and he was available. Is that what you mean by him ticking 'every box'?

Within a couple of weeks it became obvious that there were numerous boxes he didn't tick, but you chose to overlook them because it seems you fear that not many men will be understanding of the way you earn your living.

It appears that you have endeavoured to be ultra understanding of his various 'sexploits', and it could be that your chosen career in the sex industry has caused you to view the pair of you as having a special bond because you see yourselves as being 'outside the norm',

However, there is a fundamental difference between you in that you want a relationship based on trust and fidelity while he's intent on turning his fantasies into reality with as many willing participants as possible.

Whether he has physically cheated on you is immaterial as every occasion that he has put himself 'out there' without your knowledge is an act of disloyalty, and it's only a matter of time before he hooks up with someone who'll accomodate whatever his latest fad/fetish/fantasy happens to be.

There's no reason to hope suppose that a future with him will be any different to the past 2 years and the more time you squander on this deeply flawed man, the less time you'll have to find a guy who truly does tick every box.

Cocalite Tue 04-Aug-15 22:57:56

Walk walk walk

AnyFucker Tue 04-Aug-15 23:19:51

don't walk run

he isn't going to stop acting sleazy until he physically cheats on you

BTW, most women would consider what he has already done to be a betrayal just like cheating

josie4272 Wed 05-Aug-15 11:37:54

I wasnt desperate, i was very much ready to be in a relationship

goddessofsmallthings Wed 05-Aug-15 15:09:50

What's in a word?

In my book being 'very much ready to be in a relationship' = willing to throw caution to the wind and settle for the first reasonable propect that hoves into viiew which, loosely translated, means desperate.

If you hadn't been desperate to be in a relationship you would have thrown this one in the bin when, within a couple of weeks of meeting him, you realised you 'would have difficult times ahead'.

Think about it...

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