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How to choose who to be in a relationship with. Always fireworks?

(16 Posts)
britneyspearscatsuit Sat 01-Aug-15 22:04:36

Can I ask if people think you should go with your gut...whoever gives you butterflies or is it just as wise or worthwhile to go out with someone who you like very much and see if love grows from that?

Are all the happy marriages on here ones that started out where you "just knew" and you felt right away a closeness, or are some ones that grew very slowly?

I was wondering if a man comes along who ticks all the boxes on paper how do you know if you should be in a relationship with him or not?

goodbyespeech Sat 01-Aug-15 22:14:47

Funnily enough I was asking myself the same today.

I have been divorced for three years and have had several short relationships and done some online dating. I don't know if I've become jaded or cynical but no man seems to do it for me any more.

I have only had the anticipation and excitement and butterflies with one man. And I think that's what I want. I am not looking for a friend.

I think we're all different though. It depends what type of personality you are, what stage of life you are at and what you are looking for in a partner.

britneyspearscatsuit Sat 01-Aug-15 22:30:38

I was just wondering if after 3- 4 dates if you're not feeling desperate to see him again if that means it's pointless- or if you should give it more of a chance if you really like and think a lot of that person / find them attractive etc.

KumiOri Sat 01-Aug-15 22:34:13

imo go with the person you feel most comfortable with.
the one where you can be just you.
butterflies, i.e. sexual attraction, are great but a good relationship is much more than that.

Bragadocia Sat 01-Aug-15 22:37:45

You don't need to feel desperate to see them again for the relationship to have potential; if you really like him/her and feel attracted. Do you want to have sex with this person?

Bragadocia Sat 01-Aug-15 22:39:23

Also don't forget that lots of marriages where people thought they 'just knew' end horribly!

britneyspearscatsuit Sat 01-Aug-15 22:45:48

The particular man in question; yes, I do want to have sex with him, but I haven't yet. It's a slow moving relationship where we have only had a few dates so far. I do look forward to seeing him, but no butterflies or fantasies of being his wife.

I did just post in the build your ideal husband thread and he ticks all the boxes. I just feel something is missing and wanted to know if more time together is worthwhile!

Oly4 Sat 01-Aug-15 22:57:13

Definitely worth investing more time until you know one way or another. It took about three months for
Me to really have amazing feelings for DH. I wasn't sure about him at all and the sex wasn't amazing tbh. But around three months in we went on holiday and had a brilliant time and realised we had loads in common. An incredibly strong bond grew from there. Five years on and two kids later and we are really happy and I fancy him Way more than in the beginning. I'm glad I gave it a chance. Before him, I'd always needed fireworks straight away but it didn't last

britneyspearscatsuit Sat 01-Aug-15 23:06:07

That's great! I actually like the idea of a strong bond growing!

I've always needed fireworks straight away too.

PoundingTheStreets Sun 02-Aug-15 04:41:58

When I met DP we hit it off straight away, but although I thought he was attractive in an objective sense (he is) I didn't want to rip his clothes off and I was fairly ambivalent about the relationship to begin with (I was long term single and enjoying it).

The more time I spent with him, the more that connection grew, the more I fancied him and the more dreams I had about a future together with him.

I'd say things can definitely grow, but there has to be a seed there to nourish, and if it hasn't germinated within a finite window of time, it probably won't ever do so.

Having had the relationship that rested purely on the intellectual/friendship connection (failed) and the relationship that rested purely on the physical (also failed) I've realised that holding out for it 'all' is actually well worthwhile. The one compensates when the other might be pushed back for whatever reason and that gives you a sense of security in the relationship.

I love my DP more now than I did when I first fell in love with him.

cappy123 Sun 02-Aug-15 10:40:08

What pounding and Oly said.

I'm not really a fireworks person. My friend and I talked about this once. She immediately wanted the roaring fire. I said I wanted the long term glow that you could poke occasionally to stir up bigger flames.

Other half and I met online and had good emails and phone chats. When we actually met I thought, oh OK don't fancy you and it probably won't be. But it had felt like a healthy friendship that would be good to keep. He wasn't pushy or desperate and paced me well. I found him interesting and liked the idea that he would be a good male mate, especially because I had become friends with men lately, which was nice - rather than only have men who were lovers in my life, which I was sooo over (pardon the pun).

I deliberately kept things a little arms length though because he was a divorced lone parent. We weren't always on the same page with fundamentals but could talk about them and find our joint way. No relationship is completely smooth running and we had and still have our ups and downs.

Then over time the package started coming together, more shared trust, taking each other seriously, involving friends and family and seeing how comfortable they were with us as a couple. And of course I started fancying him more. Other half lost tons of weight (he was quite overweight) through diet and exercise, which he'd let slip in his bachelor days! I'd stick with him whatever his size or looks, but he's really attractive. I couldn't (wouldn't let myself?) see it before. Can't keep my hands off him either, all is well bedroom dept!

To this day, there's usually something everyday that my DH says or does that makes my heart skip a beat. A kiss, a word, a look, a joke, quiet confidence, listening, sharing, being patient - always something. Of course we annoy each other too. But we have the glow and the fire.

TheMarxistMinx Sun 02-Aug-15 12:57:41

I have had three long relationships. One that started with a real spark and the other two with men I felt largely quite indifferent towards in the beginning. I loved all three, but was only in love with one. I finished all three, only one I regret losing!

I think it all very much depends on your needs in a relationship. All three could be supportive, affectionate, selfless, kind, amusing, but only one of them made me feel alive.

britneyspearscatsuit Sun 02-Aug-15 13:22:42

Was the one you were in love with the one with the real spark?

Great story cappy!

Greta28 Mon 03-Aug-15 12:14:24

Cappy lovely read smile

qumquat Mon 03-Aug-15 14:37:26

This is something I think about pretty much every day. I've been with dp for 12 years and we have a dd but there's never been fireworks and I feel desperately sad that I've never experienced that. Every day of our entire relationship I've considered leaving but on paper we're so good and we get on so well it seems ridiculous to throw it all away. I wish now I'd split up with him in the first 6 months. But now we have such a lovely life together it seems insane to leave on the off chance I might experience falling in love. But the pang is overwhelming at times.

LadyLuck81 Mon 03-Aug-15 14:49:25

I had relationships that started with fireworks and for me they all ended in fireworks.

My H. It was a slow burn. It's there, that feeling. If he's not here I don't feel complete but it's not that same feeling of 'must have now' type intensity. It's different. I think it's better.

We work together as a team and the physical stuff isn't firey. It's much more subtle and very much underneath the surface. It's ours and ours alone. No-one else sees it.

It's a perfect type of feeling for a marriage.

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