we are just not happy together!

[LadyLou30]

my title kinda just sums up my marriage. I keep trying to find posts similar to my situation but not finding many, even though I know what I'm going through must be common.

currently my husband of 15 months (but 12 years together) are supposed to be separated but its not going well as it seems to have slipped into a part time relationship instead. we decided to trial split in April but by the time he got somewhere nearby to live it was mid June. it was unfurnished and we don't really have the budget to get much for it. he has a bed and a sofa. he said I should stay in house with kids for now but he is here all the time. he eats here, does his washing here and uses the internet. he sleeps on the sofa on a Saturday to get up with the kids. I wish I'd just moved out as I would have made wherever a home and he could have stayed in his house. for about a month we got on fine, but in the last week we've just defaulted to being annoyed with each other.

the reason our relationship is struggling is down to both of us. he's a good, responsible man but can be unsupportive, judgemental, moody and has a way of making me feel really quite shit about my life and the decisions I make. he has always made at least double what I make so its my career that's had to take a back seat while our two children (5 and 2) are small. most of what I've ever earned when straight back out on childcare. now I work evenings in Tesco and have just been accepted on a nursing course which of course will be another 3 years of me being financially dependent.

he says I don't appreciate anything he does or how much he pays for things. I have absolutely no idea how I could appreciate' it more. of course I feel he does not appreciate anything I do, in fact I doubt he has any idea the amount I do to be completely responsible for the needs of two children, with one having a development delay and I'm always with some healthcare professional. sadly I don't love him anymore, he says he loves me but has admitted he might not be fully capable of loving someone due to a messed up childhood. he has no real friends, people in general seem to disappoint him and he doesn't like anyone. I'm friendly and outgoing and have alot of friends. he has hobbies.

in a nutshell we just seem to have both built up so much anger and resentment towards each other its got too much. my gut tells me I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore but have I got good enough reasons? he's not abusive, he doesn't go out drinking and not come home. he cooks and does his fair share considering I'm the one mostly at home and although I don't think he does enough with the kids, he's a good dad.

I'm not sure what to do from here :(

oh and as a side note and I guess this is a biggy but 3 months ago I had gastric surgery done privately. my mum paid but he's really annoyed I've spent that money on myself. he doesn't seem to understand that my mum didn't just give me money to do what I wanted with it she paid specifically for the surgery!! I never spend money on myself, I see this as something different. he says we could have done up the house with that 10k not understanding that had I not had the surgery we'd not have got the money!!!

[trackrBird]

Yes, it is a biggy. Resenting a gift to help you have surgery, suggesting it should have been spent on the house - that's grim, and cruel.

You said your own money went straight back into childcare - while he earns twice as much? How much did he contribute to childcare himself?

I'm not really seeing a good, responsible man here, but someone who is undermining you, and would rather take gifted money for family purposes than ease your suffering - which he sees as 'spending money on yourself'!

I think you separated for a reason and it's time to return to separated living, by whatever means you can.

[Jan45]

He really needs to go and stay away, apart from seeing the children, you are just prolonging the inevitable, the relationship sounds long dead.

Not fair on your kids either listening to the two of you bickering at each other.

He stays probably cos it's convenience, it doesn't sound like it's out of undying love, time to move on.

[LadyLou30]

yes I guess we just need to figure out how to be apart and how to make sure he spends time with kids.

I am really pissed off he resents my surgery. it really has been my life saver and I dont regret it.

anyone who is separated how do you split the children?

[Twinklestein]

Is he not contributing to childcare costs?

[LadyLou30]

re childcare we don't really have any anymore since I work evenings now. the kids do one full day of private nursery and he was paying for that until I applied for tax credits. he now pays the bills instead as maintenance. he's paid for most things since the kids, mortgage, bills, some child care, anything we do, anything we need he has to buy it as my wages cover food and the car. he sent me a big long email today saying I didn't appreciate how much he spends today! which is not true at all. no I don't think him everyday for paying the mortgage but I do accept he pays for alot.