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How can I fall back in love with dh?(14 Posts)
Nc'd for this as dh knows my usual nickname.
Dh and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3, with 3yo ds and currently pregnant with dc2.
When we first met I was an absolute mess - been dumped by my childhood sweetheart, taking drugs and as a result lost my job and was almost homeless, huge money problems etc. Dh came along like a knight in shining armour - absolutey adores me, Oxford educated, great job, good looking. He sorted me out with somewhere to live, I got a new job, no drugs and off we skipped into the sunset.
Since having ds I just don't feel I love him any more.I read somewhere a few years ago that it's very easy to confuse gratitude with love and I just can't shake the feeling that's what I've done. It's almost like a switch has been flicked and now everything he does makes me realise how incompatible we are.
I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to be able to love my husband. I can see how much it hurts him when I snap at him for doing something irritating or forcing myself to laugh at one of his hideously long anecdotes that don't actually go anywhere.
Does anyone have any experience of anything like this? Is it possible to make yourself fall in love with someone through sheer will? Even if that person is really, really irritating?
I've never been married or in your position, but your DH sounds like a caring and lovely person. It must be hard for you not feeling the way you want to feel. I'm not sure you can force yourself to be in love with someone and I understand how you think you may have just been very grateful rather than in love.
I think you should probably focus on the qualities that you liked about your DH when you met. Spend quality time together doing activities you can both enjoy, it's so easy to not spend that time together when your with someone. Ultimately though if you aren't happy it's not the end of the world if you want more out of a relationship. If you have done everything you can to make it work and it doesn't you may both be happier apart.
Do you find him sexually attractive? Would you say he is a ''nice guy''? Maybe too nice? What kind of men were you with before him?
the short answer is, that I am not sure you can.
But I am reading between the lines here, do you see yourselves as equal? or do you see yourself as indebted to him?
However you started, you are now an equal couple, and need to come to this as equals.
Take time to think about the qualities you like, and respect, take time to see where you are compatible and work on those. Take time to be yourself too, and not pushed into any mould.
Look at the irritating things, to be honest we all have them. Are they deal breakers or are you focussed on them because you are at home with small children and low on patience? (which would be me)
All marriages struggle in the baby/toddler years, and pregnancy does mess with our brains/emotions, so don't make any snap decisions.
Is it possible to make yourself fall in love with someone through sheer will? Even if that person is really, really irritating?
I would say no. It may be that he was there at a stage in your life when you needed someone and you've mistaken that for relationship compatibility. Being really, really irritated by him isn't a good sign is it...
Might be time to separate and focus on being good parents together.
Cherish him, make time to spend even just a small amount of time talking one to one and not about the children/ pregnancy.
When he's nice to you, respond in kind.
Your story is very similar to mine... although in my case it was drink rather than drugs.
My H was a rescuer. He rescued me, but when I recovered and became stronger, he couldn't accept it. He needed me to need him. The marriage only worked as long as I was vulnerable and fragile.
We tried counselling but we ended up splitting. I wish I had ended things sooner TBH because we might have been able to be more amicable and co-parent more effectively.
I think you are at the point, where you're getting really irritated, that you need to call time now. Because otherwise you're going to end up hating each other
I don't think you can as it sounds like it wasn't really an "in love" situation in the first place. Has the feeling only just come on or has it been there for a while? If so I'm not sure why you have potentially complicated matters by deciding on another child.
I don't think dh wants me to be vulnerable at all. He is a genuinely good person.
I'm pregnant with dc2 because he really wanted a second child and I really want to make him happy.
He is the only person in my life that has ever cared about my happiness and he just doesn't seem to make me happy. I think I spent too long trying to be his ideal woman when I'm clearly not.
Ah, well. Hoping it's just pregnancy hormones exacerbating everything, it just seems so sad.
I feel a bit uneasy about your initial rescue scenario, with your DH suddenly appearing as the traditional knight in shining.
I think I spent too long trying to be his ideal woman when I'm clearly not.
How do you know you're not? And why would you aim for an ideal after seven years? You should be very comfortable and at ease with each other after that time, rather than aiming to be someone's ideal.
You seem very keen to make him happy, having a child because he wanted one, you say: but you're not happy yourself.
I'm not sure what is going on for you, or how important it is: but I wouldn't just dismiss it all as hormones.
I am really sorry you feel like this.
Firstly how did you feel the first time you were pregnant? and how did you feel towards him in between pregnancies? This might give you some idea how much the hormones are now affecting you.
I would consider talking to your GP / obs explaining your feelings, especially as you sound like you have some insecurities about not being his "ideal woman".
I imagine your feelings may not just be the hormones, I don't think that you can "make yourself love someone" but there may be things, such as the unfunny stories and other irritations, that can dull or interrupt the love that was there.
As you obviously want to make the relationship work, I would look into counselling and talking through all these issues, both singularly but also as a couple.
Having explored all these options you then have to decide if you love him and want to be with him - if not you are best, for both your sakes and the children's, to be upfront and honest and end the relationship before your "snapping at him for being irritating" and his irritation of you, leads to friction and animosity between you that can't be rewound.
My husband tells long stories which are quite boring as well, and has quite a lot of irritating habits. However, there's lots to balance that (attractive to me, very supportive, intellectually interesting) but I don't get a sense in your post if this is true for you. I also found I hated my husband at times in both pregnancies, not sure if hormonal or just overwhelmed by enormity of it all plus sleeplessness. Of course if you have genuine concerns that are longer lasting, that's a real issue, but if you temporarily dislike him, I think that's allowed in pregnancy and I know I'm not the only one of my friends to feel like that.
So, to answer your thread title, you can fall back in love if you were in love to start with, in whatever form, but I think the chances of producing love from scratch are very remote.
Can you speak with a counsellor or good friend about this? I just wonder because I have felt very odd and anxious in pregnancy and I wonder if you are fixating on this a bit.
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