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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I can't make dp leave, how do I do it?

12 replies

Peppasmate · 25/07/2015 22:49

Dp knows I'm very unhappy with our relationship. Been together 15 yr. Dc etc.

I know we need to part but I feel so guilty. He has no family. Few friends. He'd be on his own.

We've talked but nothing changes. I need to bite the bullet & tell him to leave by such & such a date but I feel so cruel & horrible.

Advice please, how do I get/ask him to leave?

How did others cope with this.

OP posts:

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IAmAShitHotLawyer · 25/07/2015 23:00

What's your housing situation?

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Peppasmate · 25/07/2015 23:04

It's council accommodation. Tenancy is in my name. I've suggested 50/50 custody of the dc. He says he can't do that because of work.

OP posts:

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Lweji · 25/07/2015 23:07

What is he suggesting?

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goddessofsmallthings · 25/07/2015 23:07

Is your home in your sole name or in joint names?

In what way would it be 'cruel and horrible' to tell him to leave by a given date when you would effectively be setting him free to find a woman who gives a shit cares about him?

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WorraLiberty · 25/07/2015 23:08

How long has he lived in the home?

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goddessofsmallthings · 25/07/2015 23:27

Ok so he can't do 50/50 because of work but, once he's got his own place, what he can do is have the dc overnight every other weekend and one night in the week or some similar arrangement.

If he should have to move into temporary lodgings and can't have the dc overnight, he can take them out on his days off work until he finds a permanent home of his own.

As the tenancy is in your sole name, he has no legal right to be in your home unless you want him there. Tell him to leave by, say, 8 August and start separating your possessions from his and start packing his belongings in bags/boxes as evidence of your intent.

If it appears he's not doing anything to find another place, make it clear to him that if he hasn't gone by the stated date you'll have the police remove him.

You are wholly and fully responsible for your dc but, as you are not in any way responsible for keeping a roof over the head of their df, you will need to temporarily harden your heart towards him if you want to live a more fulfilling life.

No pain, no gain as they say, but it's likely that any pain you may feel will be replaced by relief as soon as he's gone. Unless he's been violent towards you, there's no reason why you shouldn't stay on cordial terms with him and encourage him to join meetup to make new friends, or invite him to occasional family gatherings etc/round for the odd meal etc providing you don't give him the idea that a reconciliation may be on the cards.

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Peppasmate · 25/07/2015 23:39

It's so difficult. The relationship seriously deteriated after out last dc was born 18 months ago.

I don't want to be unkind to him or hurt him but there are no positives in the relationship. None.

We've lived in this house for 13 years. It's only my name on the tenancy, dp's choice.

No domestic violence.

He works shifts. He only has 1 weekend a month off so I don't anticipate he will see much of the dc. He's really not interested in the older dc. He adores the baby but he adored them all as baby's.

I feel responsible for him. Ridiculous misplaced guilt. I want & need him as a partner not another child.

OP posts:

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LadyB49 · 26/07/2015 00:03

I've been where you are now and I waited 22 years because he'd be on his own etc.
Just do it.

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goddessofsmallthings · 26/07/2015 00:13

It's only as difficult as you want to make it and, as I can't see that this situation is at all beneficial for your older dc, I suggest you bite the bullet and do it now otherwise all of your lives will continue to be blighted by your unhappiness and his indifference to it.

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Peppasmate · 26/07/2015 16:30

Thank you for the replies.
goddessofsmallthings your absolutely right.

I need to make firm plans. I need to disengage from him. I need to put the dc first.

How much time did other people give their dps or dhs to organise somewhere else to stay?

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APlaceOnTheCouch · 26/07/2015 18:52

Will he leave? If he has lived there for 13 years too then he may have tenancy rights regardless of whether or not his name is on the lease. Shelter explains it here

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Peppasmate · 26/07/2015 19:14

Thanks. I will check this out. We're not married. His name isn't on the tenancy. Everything is in my name. Paid from my bank account. I always organised everything.

I think he'll leave. I strongly suspect he will go NC with the children. He doesn't have anything to do with his family even though they live 5 mins away.

This is not going to be a massive shock to him. He has plenty of money maybe 30k. So he has the means to organise somewhere else to live.