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Online dating- what's right?

(19 Posts)
TheQuietLady Sun 19-Jul-15 21:20:31

I have name changed as someone in real life knows I post here.

I'm looking for some advice/kick up the arse on whats a reasonable time frame for meeting up and how often you message. I had considered posting this in the dating thread but that seems to be for posters who are actually going on dates.

I dipped my toes into online dating a few months ago after splitting from my ex husband (I waited a while to gather my life together and well, I'm 34). It has been a pretty mixed experience with mostly men being very full on-I could write a whole other thread on this. I have met with five men, who asked me out for coffee pretty much after a couple of days. However, they weren't for me as they were very different in real life.

About a month ago I messaged a guy and we seemed to hit it off. He was the first guy who could compose proper messages and was quite witty. We also seemed to have a few things in common. The messages went on for six days and there was no hint of meeting up. I decided to drop hints at meeting up as I know from experience how different people are in real life and I am very quiet so I didn't want him building up a wrong impression of me.

He started to make excuses saying things like he was unsure as he wouldn't be quick witted in real life. So I dropped it and tried to continue chatting. I asked him a question about himself and got no response. We had been messaging back and forth and it stopped quite abruptly. About a day later still no response so I messaged him asking if he was still interested. He said that he was indecisive so it was a maybe. I thought charming!. Stupidly I continued messaging him. This time the messages were quite sporadic as in he would message over a couple of hours and then stop, leaving my questions unanswered. After about a week of this when I had no reply after a day I sent a message asking if he was still interested and felt he was leading me on as men usually ask for a date after a few messages. I will hold my hands up and say it was quite a direct message as I was fed up and by then suspicious. He replied saying that it takes him a while to get to know someone and he wanted to message so there was no nasty surprises. I thought fair enough perhaps he has had a bad experience. We exchanged a few messages and then poof off he disappears for a couple of days. I then get a message with his phone number. So I texted him through whatsapp and we exchanged messages over about a week.

I decided to take time out from messaging him as by then I was suspicious that he might be married given his reluctance to meet up and sporadic messages. Nosey me looked him up on Facebook as we met on Tinder and had one friend in common (this friend is an old school friend who is the loveliest person so when I swiped him I though he can't be that bad!). He isn't married, seems to be single for a long time and an obsession with famous women. The biggest shock though was a post slagging me off. It was after my message asking him if he was interested and that men usually ask for a date after a few messages. Fair enough I was abrupt but there was no need to air it on Facebook (this man is 35!). It was also very incorrect in what he said. The message went somewhere along the lines of 'no wonder some women are single. I have just got a horrid message because I didn't reply to a message in a timely manner. Blocked' Then a conversation went on with three females saying how I thought the world revolved around me, I needed to get a life and that I was crazy. Funny how during this conversation he was still messaging me and then a couple of days later he gave me his mobile number. So he lied about blocking me.

I am very hurt now and in disbelief about this. I am a very unconfident and insecure person so this has really hit me. The funny thing is if he had taken the time to get to know me he would realise that I am single because I am taking my time and I have a life doing many things. I would never expect an immediate message-funny I have had some men bombard me with messages throughout the day when I'm working because I didn't instantly reply and I would never constantly text a friend. I can't believe how bitchy people can be about a complete stranger. Needless to say I am well and truly put off by this man.

Sorry about the length of this post but I just wanted to get it all down. I am giving online dating a bit of a break now as this has really got to me and I am finding it a bit soul destroying. So what is a realistic time to expect a meeting and a reply to your messages? I was with my ex for a very long time, before Facebook and text messaging, so we never really messaged each other.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 19-Jul-15 21:25:03

Are you sure he was talking about you? He probably messages several people at once.

Ouchbloodyouch Sun 19-Jul-15 21:28:06

He sounds like an arse. You did NOTHING wrong. my advice is meet quickly or not at all. flowers

TheQuietLady Sun 19-Jul-15 21:34:42

Sheba I thought that at first but it was posted shortly after my message.

Ouch-I'm a sensitive person so I've been going through whether what I wrote was wrong.

broadbeanstew Sun 19-Jul-15 21:39:32

Sounds like you had a lucky escape! Online dating is tough, you need to have a thick skin. I've just finished with someone I met online and I'm really not in a hurry to get back out there. Although I have had some nice dates with perfectly nice blokes, there are a lot of strange ones out there.

And on the subject of meeting, I always liked to go for sooner rather than later. There's nothing worse than feeling like you've built up a connection with someone only to meet in real life and realise they ate nothing you imagined at all, or that there's just no spark.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sun 19-Jul-15 21:44:56

I think he was playing you, regardless of the fact that the message may or may not have been about you. Quite ungallant of him. His obsession with famous women may just be indicative of the fact that he wants things he can't have, and can't cope with a 'real' relationship. I think you dodged a bullet. I think if you don't meet up after a couple of weeks, unless there is a very good reason (with future dates, not knobhead) it's time to move on.

MelenyWebster Sun 19-Jul-15 21:54:28

With OD you have to take it not too seriously. I've been doing it for a couple of years and have met loads of guys, mainly for one off dates.

Have several of them on the go at once - don't get too fixated on one because he's bound to turn out to be not what you think he is. You need to develop a very thick skin for OD.

Have you considered other ways to meet men and new friends, like Meetup groups?

TheQuietLady Sun 19-Jul-15 22:06:02

I'm afraid I don't have a thick skin so that's why I'm taking a break for a bit and will just concentrate on doing the things I enjoy. My messages to this guy had said that you need to meet as real life is very different. I have met up with men and they were very different. I found meeting them difficult as we were very nervous. If it was more natural like meeting through friends things might have been different.

I don't think this guy has ever been in a serious relationship and it certainly shows. It was the bitchyness of the other females that was a shock too.

Thanks for the meetup recommendation. It looks like a good idea and might be better for me.

pinkfrocks Mon 20-Jul-15 08:20:05

If he WAS talking about you then it was a bit ungallant, but then why stalk him on FB- and why does he make his profile public if he writes nasty things?

Going back to your behaviour, I'm sorry but you were really OTT. This guy stalled a few times with the messaging- and TBH people don't have to message several times a day back and forth surely? what's wrong with talking on the phone after a few messages?

You seemed to be too persistent- that's putting it mildly. he wasn't sure, you kept on and on....badgering him to see if he was interested. If he was interested he's have said so clearly and shown it.

You need to be less keen and allow men to do a bit of the chasing. Not to the extreme of being Victorian about it, but in this case you really did overstep the mark and it's come back to bite you on the bum.

You came over as desperate- not an attractive quality and men will run for the hills if they get a whiff of it.

TheStoic Mon 20-Jul-15 08:44:33

Online dating is a minefield.

Try not to second guess people's actions. If they want to meet you, they will. You should NEVER EVER need to ask whether someone is interested or not. It should be clear, either way, from what they do.

If you are really unsure about someone's intentions, step back and think about what YOU want, rather than trying to figure out what they want.

He was mucking you around. His opinion of your message is of no value to you whatsoever. Block him in every way, and move forward.

hesterton Mon 20-Jul-15 08:54:19

I agree that he's an arse, but I also agree that you are coming across as very needy. Don't run after retreating men online - there could be a number of reasons why they are retreating and most of them will be nothing personal. Online dating is great in some ways but you need to remember that a lot of people there are like kids in sweetshop, always looking for that slightly better sounding sweet on the next shelf.

But ultimately you only need to meet one sweet, right man who is the one for you so it is worth persevering with it if you do want to meet someone.

But if you are.not long out of a relationship, it might be worth playing the field for a bit or getting on with other activities until you are feeling more emotionally whole and less vulnerable.

TheQuietLady Mon 20-Jul-15 19:13:00

Thanks for your honest opinions. Yes looking back it does look needy and I admit I am not very experienced in dating so I don't know what to do. I am stepping back from dating for a while until I am feeling less vulnerable.

pocketsaviour Mon 20-Jul-15 19:23:34

FYI if you do dip your toe in the pool in future, I expect a guy to suggest a meeting within a week maximum of starting to message. Or for me to suggest a meeting, if he doesn't but the conversation is flowing relatively well. (What's the worst that can happen? He says no, at least you know where you stand!)

If they haven't suggested a meet within a week and I'm not over-keen, I'll just not send any future messages to them.

This guy sounds like a prize prick and you've undoubtedly dodged a bullet. As said upthread, he clearly can't cope with real relationships and seems to cherish the friendship of women who are sadly competitive with other women. There are quite a few timewasters like him on OLD and sometimes it feels like all of them have messaged me

TRexingInAsda Mon 20-Jul-15 19:31:36

He sounds like someone who just likes internet dating and not actual dating! I think you just need to raise your standards as to who you chat to. If you have to ask someone, especially more than once, if they're still interested, then they are not acting interested - either because they genuinely aren't, or because they're an arse who doesn't know how to behave. Just block at that point and move on. Good luck.

GhettoFabulous Mon 20-Jul-15 19:36:57

If you want to met someone why drop hints? Why not just say so? Use your words, honey. Decide what you want and do it. There's no need to be on the back foot waiting for a man to make up his mind.

newnamesamegame Mon 20-Jul-15 21:10:17

He does sound like a twat of the highest order posting about you on FB and it sounds like you're well rid...

but to be honest -- and apologies for sounding brutal -- you sound quite needy. If you have to ask someone more than once if they are interested and they are still giving you a ho-hum response you should back right off. There's nothing guaranteed to put someone off quicker than being interrogated as to the status of their feelings, particularly if you haven't even met.

And more to the point, why waste the mental energy on someone who clearly isn't bothered enough to make the effort with you.


WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 21-Jul-15 08:47:08

Good advice from PPs.

The time to have moved on from him was when, after 6 days of messaging, he wasn't keen to meet. After then you were flogging a dead horse, which will be absolutely no good for your self esteem. My advice with OD is to be proactive; never be afraid to ask to meet (but move on straight away if they are not enthusiastic) and just as proactive with blocking them when they're flakey.

TheQuietLady Tue 21-Jul-15 18:05:55

Thanks everyone for your advice. It has certainly helped me in the future for when I feel ready to date again.

ladygaga1980 Tue 21-Jul-15 21:45:47

OP Google Matthew hussey's YouTube videos. He is amazing at explaining the best way to go about dating etc.

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