Tired of being on my own

[CherryPicking]

I'm a singe parent, so I spupose I'm not techically 'alone' for much of the time, but I do feel conspicuouslly lonely - at work, at the school gates, whenever I go anywhere.

I feel like the 'friends' I have are mainly people who feel a bit sorry're for me. They're not longstanding ones, anyway, and I hate feeling like eeproject. I feel like they're not people who would rate me as contritbuting anything to their lives - i'm not someone they're close to.

At work - well I suck at my job - i'm just not intelligent enough to be amongst the best at what I do. It's really competitive, and you have to have the time and patience to absorb a lot of information, which i don't. And the confidence to articulate your thoughts well in meetings. also a problem. I think my colleagues wish i wasn't there. I'm an embarrassment.

My mum's toxic, my ex was, and is, abusive. hasn't stopped him shacking up with someone new though. no relationship with ex's parents. I blame other people, but it must be me.

dcs are still young, thev've been through a lot.

i'm also volunteering eth a career change in mind. More time I don't have. Sure I'd suck at that too.

[notthestereotype]

Cherry, you're clearly suffering from major lack of self esteem and you could really do with some help, which IS available, but you need to seek it.

I can relate to your feelings, but have adopted various techniques to help me combat that vicious cycle of negative thinking, mainly about myself.

Have you always had a low opinion of yourself?

[TinyDancer69]

Oh you poor thing ((())) you are a single mum holding down what sounds like a tough and demanding job.

You also sound very down on yourself but you need to put your needs first so that you can be the role-model you want to be for your precious DC. Seek help - talk to your Dr and ask for recommendations for counselling. None of this is your doing. Your DM may have contributed to you choosing an abusive partner - not consciously of course, but you may have picked up negative thought processes that you need to stop and recharge.

Keep talking to us - we're here for you and good luck.

[Zillie77]

Wow, you are being so hard on yourself! You actually sound like a remarkable person; working a difficult job, caring for small children without much support, volunteering with thoughts of changing careers, there are not many people who could handle all of that at once.

You should try to be a little easier on yourself and understand that a person can't do all of those things perfectly. I aim for "good enough" most of the time and I pat myself on the back if I hit that mark.

As far as friends go, when I felt a lack of close connections a while back, I looked at my social group and chose two people with whom I wanted to cultivate closer friendships and worked on those. One was a work friend.

[Zillie77]

The other was a friend from the neighborhood.

[CherryPicking]

Thanks all, I'm in tears reading your lovely replies.

notthestereotype yes, pretty much always had a low opinion of myself, and any attempts at building up my self confidence usually turn me into an arrogant arse i can't stand. i don't seem to have any middle ground. Even my school reports when I was 6 or 7 went on about my low self esteem. Thanks mum.

i've made enquiries about counselling but i never seem to get anywhere - people don't call back etc.

[CherryPicking]

Zillie sounds like you made a wise decision re choosing two people and working on those relationships. I always seem to throw up obstacles twhen I start thinking about it. I'll give some examples:

Friend A: known her about 4 years - really lovely person - funny, clever, generous, loads in common- everything you could want from a friend. However, I feel she holds me at a distance. We meet up very occasionally and I always think we've got on like a house on fire, but then it stops dead, despite us both saying we should do it more often. She's really busy too, but I don't think that's the reason we never become closer. I think it's because she's close friends with quite a few people who really don't like me, and there's no way past that really. I guess I've pissed people off. I think she mainly keeps in touch with me out of pity, so there's no point trying to pursue a closer friendship with her.

Friend B: Male (this was an issue when I was with my ex as he was insanely jealous of our friendship). Really, really lovely bloke. However, he moved away and we haven't really kept in touch like I wanted to. Last time I saw him it was like he couldn't really be bothered with me any more - that was quite a few months ago and I've come to the conclusion he's realised what a shitty person I am at last. Took him a while.

Acquaintance A: School run mum. Again, all the qualities you could hope to find in a potential friend. However, I feel like I missed the boat with her. Because I didn't take her up on offers of coffee the first time, it's sort of passed and my attempts to change that have fallen flat. it's all about the dcs friendship now - occasional playdate etc. She has enough real friends not to care.

Acquaintancie B: similar to A, but I've never felt she wanted to get to know me better - we just talk at the school gates.

Sounds stupid doesn't it?

[beaglesaresweet]

OP, how do you mean you piss people off? do you talk too much due to nerves - or opposite, you clam up?
I so sympathise though, it's really hard to find new deep friendships as most people have that vacancy/-ies filled already!

[beaglesaresweet]

I often feel stupid too when someone seems to have a lot in common with and we like each other, yet they put barriers to closer or more frequent contact. I think people are scared stiff off clingy friends - but how do you ever develop friendships without some steps towards attachment, without it taking years?

[CherryPicking]

In terms of pissing people off - i think i either over or under-share. either i've got nothing to say or i'm talking about stuff that's maybe too personal. i don't know... or i just say the wrong thing without thinking - again probably due to nerves, but there's no going back after that - i've crossed a line. i.e, I once said something inadvertaintly insensitive to friend A. As soon as the words left my lips I knew I'd put my foot in it, but I couldnt take it back without drawing more attention to what i'd said. So i just said 'sorry' but I don't think it was good enough. I think she'll always be wary of me because of it. And yet i'm surrouded by people doing daft things, and they don't seem friendless or isolated, and they're oblivious of what they're doing whereas I did realise as soon as I'd said it. The fact I'm still worrying about it a year later must mean i'm not a complete tosser. right?

[CherryPicking]

Also, one thing I learned from my mother was to be careful not to seem over keen or desperate or clingy, I really took that to heart. Since I became single (and realised I didn't have any proper friends to do stuff with) I've had to get used to going to things on my own and doing things on my own - even though I hate it. But yet i guess people still smell my desperation and loneliness and run a mile! So attractive :-)

[beaglesaresweet]

you aer not alone in this though, OP, many people find it so hard to find the balance between indifferent/stand-offish and too keen. Especially when you are older and new to the area and don't have established networks like the others.
But you are exactly right that so many people say insensitive things anbd just joke it away or they don't even notice yet they aer not friendless - I've lerarned that people aer actually forgiving mostly ifthey like you generally, you just need to find others who aer in similar position i.e. wanting and needing friends, not those who already have lots, maybe new mums in the area or someone you could share interests/hobby with who also needs a group to belong to.