Am i being emotionally unfaithful?

[PipAndPosey]

Ok here goes, not posted in this section before so be gentle!

Been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. We have one DS aged 2 and are TTC no2 (unsuccessful for 18 months now).

Things are "fine" with DH - I mean we both now focus so much on our DS, and we have little quality two time, but we still love each other dearly. However the sex has become very much functional of the TTC variety. I can't remember the last time we had sex for fun - but it was before we got married.

So we are plodding along, when I find myself thinking (a lot) about my first BF. This guy was my first love and we were together off and on from age 16-21 or so. Very formative years and we shared a lot, although he also treated me like crap on occasion. So I don't really understand why I am so fixated on him? We are FB friends and see each other very occasionally at school reunions etc. I had a lunch for old school friends on Sunday and he came (my DH wasn't there). We spent the preceding day texting each other which I supposed verged towards the flirtatious. We had a long hug goodbye.

I don't know what to think - why can't I get this person out of my head? It's been 15 yrs since we were together! Am I projecting the current frustrations I have onto him?

[keepingsecrecy]

Would you be happy to show the texts to your DH?

[PipAndPosey]

Hmm good question! My DH can access my phone so I suppose it would be ok - although I guess he wouldn't be happy about it. They are not at all explicitly flirty, just slightly suggestive in the context, iyswim?

[notthestereotype]

Before I give my advice /opinion, what do you mean by "flirtatious"? Extra complimentary comments? Or basically sexting?

[laurierf]

Am I projecting the current frustrations I have onto him?

Yes. First BF does not hold any solutions for you here, just potentially an enormous headfuck. Forget the ex. You need to be asking for advice on how to deal with thing when sex becomes ongoing functional TTC.

[PipAndPosey]

Thanks all.

Notthestereotype - it definitely wasn't sexting (not that id know what that is!!)

Laurier - this is what I've been thinking for a while now. Not sure what to do... Things got so bad last year I siggested counselling, but was pooh pooed...

[notthestereotype]

Ah, well I guess the fact you know your DH wouldn't like it, means that yes, you've probably crossed a line. I wouldn't necessarily call in an emotional affair (yet!) but you are being deceptive, especially as he's an ex who clearly you still hold a torch for.

Step back. Stop contact with the ex and really take a hard look at your relationship with your DH and ask yourself if "fine" is acceptable to you and if no, is it fixable? Also, I would stop TTC until you've figured that out.

[laurierf]

What did he say when you suggested counselling? Does he think it's all fine?

Talk to him again, about the need for quality time for the two of you, get away for a couple of days without DS if at all possible… other people are going to give you far better advice than me on this I'm sure, having been through what is a pretty common scenario.

What I can advise you to do, though, is to 'unfollow' your ex on Facebook and delete all your texts and emails etc. He is a just a diversion from the real issue, but you have used the word 'fixated', and even though you know really that you're just projecting stuff onto him, you need to stop it now before you lose track of that knowledge and it develops into something else in your head.

[PipAndPosey]

Thanks both, that sounds like fair advice to me. I know DH and I could do with a night away, I will see what we can achieve!

I've tried expressing my frustrations to him, but he doesn't really engage - he things all will be fine once we get our BFP.
Any other long term TTCers struggle with this?

[laurierf]

Any other long term TTCers struggle with this?

You might be better off starting a new thread with this question… this is your real problem.