So I was doing some child protection training recently. And we got onto grooming. I've been aware that stuff that went on between me and an adult male when I was a teenager (I was 14 - he was 24) was pretty close to the bone, but I still framed it in my mind as me throwing myself at him, and him going along with it. I should say I was a deeply vulnerable and desperate teenager because of a lot of emotional abuse in my family, but at that time had no idea, thought I was so grown up and knew everything about everything.
Anyway, the training mentioned giving gifts as a way of grooming - and the penny just dropped. He gave me (very cheap) gifts before I'd ever thought of him in a sexual way. And made time for me. Talked to me, listened to me, when no one else was interested. And that was all it took, I was so needy.
I didn't actually fancy him at all - in fact found him physically unattractive, he was about as far from my teenage ideal of fanciable boy as you could get, but I never thought I stood a chance with any of the boys I actually fancied. And the attention was just irresistible. So I started hanging around him more and more and sooner or later there was sexual activity. Most things bar full PIV sex. Soulless, loveless, joyless. It was all entirely sordid and in the context of a bit on the side - he was actually engaged - no relationship, no dates, all took place somewhere completely inappropriate even if the whole thing hadn't been so wrong anyway.
So anyway. Was this abuse? I never thought it was because I was never coerced or forced, I was totally "up for it" because in my colossal naivety and desperation I thought that sex would actually make me happy. I genuinely thought any sex would do, didn't have a clue about sex in the context of a loving relationship, or even lust. This was the 70s, I thought all cool girls were supposed to want sex. But obviously I was under the age of consent, and he was fully aware of that. It's the gifts thing that really got me. Like say, I would never have thought of him in that way before he started with that, and realising that this is a pattern in abusive men made me stop and think for the first time - he wanted that to happen. He saw a target, a vulnerable, needy, naive girl - and he worked on me. And made me think I was the one chasing him. He actually did make out that I was the temptress and he was the helpless, hapless man.
I'm still struggling to get my head round what it was. Can anyone help me process this? Was I groomed?
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Historical abuse?
18 replies
Harrette · 14/07/2015 13:30
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