I'm trying to come to terms with the way i was treated as a child by my parents and am really struggling with what would be classed as abusive and what would just be strict parenting, and how normal each was within other peoples families. What makes it harder is that i went through different stages of abuse, from my mother and father when they were together until i was 14, and then onwards from my stepfather, who is pretty unlikable to this day.
My father was physically abusive and would hit me hard leaving bruises and was very aggressive in general towards me, i no longer have any contact with him after my parents split up, and whilst i blame him for his behavior and don't want anything to do with him, now i struggle to understand why i'm so forgiving towards my mother and still have a relationship with her after things she has also done.
I do know about stately homes thread but id also like a more general view on if most people would find these things abusive or not.
I was smacked for being naughty -stung and left red hand prints on legs/bum etc - but mum always said she only hit with her hands so it was ok, and actually she was very righteous in calling other people abusive if they used an object to hit a child with, she said if she couldn't hit hard enough with her hand then she was hitting too hard.
Age about 5 - I wasnt eating breakfast properly so made to sit outside the back door on the concrete steps in vest and knickers in very cold weather until id finished -I remember the rabbits water being a frozen lump of ice.
Was told she hadn't wanted me i was an accident and that at least she wanted my sibling...
My mum would be angry at me and pretend to call social services telling them i was horrible and she just didn't want me any more and to come and take me, then she'd hang up the phone and tell me to go pack my bags they're on their way to take me away.
my mother was very much in charge of the household - likes to pride herself on ruling with an iron fist/her children were not allowed to rule her or dare show her up in public - she controlled all the money my father earnt while being a sahm.
When around 5/6/7 i was admitted to hospital - when the nurse asked if i wanted her to make up a bed so my mum could stay with me i said yes - after the nurse went my mum was very angry because now she had to stay and my sister would be home with either my nan or dad and she would be upset not to have her mummy there with her.
it was thrown back at me that she had wanted to leave my father when i was about 6 and she'd asked me if i wanted her to, but because id said i loved daddy even though he was horrible to me/hit me, so she had to stay.
my father openly said he didn't want a second child with her but she got pregnant on purpose and then continually told me and sister that he never wanted her and that's why she protected her from his outbursts instead of me.
my parents got involved in wife swapping with the neighbors which mum said she didn't want to do - ive been told by the other wife that my dad was the one really pushing for it, but he and the wife never had full sex whilst my mother did with the other husband ...after splitting up with my father and moving house so the neighbor could move in she tried to trick my 10 year old sister that she didn't know if he was her father or not, this is nonsense as my sisters characteristic can only come from my fathers side, she was just trying to trick her into accepting our new step father because we'd said we didnt like him and didnt want him to move in.
By the age of about 14 mum had told me details all about how the first time she slept with my father he was very rough with her and there was blood all over the bed as she was a virgin - she has later said it was in fact rape - although he has always denied this saying she consented. when asked why she stayed with him and married and had kids with him she replies everyone needs to feel loved.
I have also been told gory details of her and my fathers sex life with regards to anal 'because it was tighter', fisting, that my father requested other unusual sexual requests - some of which she did - when asked why she said it was easier than listen to him go on.
After my father left i was left to babysit my sister constantly until the early hours so mum could go out with neighbour in secret each night.
I lived with her after my father left and my stepfather moved in, and she allowed him to be very nasty towards me and said he can do what he wants dont make me choose as i'll choose him, he still snipes at me from time to time now and continues to have a rocky relationship with my sister, but my mother wont intervene.
He controls money and mum is left paying all bills and nothing to spend on herself and acts the martyr without accepting hes wrong to do this, she lives in fear he'll leave her.
When my stepfather moved in he took control of everything from day 1,money spending, food, whos allowed to do anything in the house, he loves to make comments to try and embarrass us or make us look stupid.
He creates a horrible atmosphere and will storm about if we so much as speak in the room he was watching tv in - although he will have phone conversations in a booming voice while we watch something. He would scream at you for not finishing a meal even when you've asked not to be served so much because its impossible to finish it all - he has huge food issues.
He would stay up till 3am blasting music keeping us awake but I would get shouted at for waking him up by walking downstairs too loudly.
He and my mum would have huge screeching sex sessions and laugh about it the next day that they'd kept us awake all night.
Once he moved in mum wouldn't even buy deodorant for me he said to buy it myself - with no job or income at 14?
At 16 i got a p/t job around school and was told i had to pay rent, they went through my bank statements to find out id been saving up and wanted it to pay off his debts.
We were 'recruited' to talk to our step siblings about all different topics and report back so they could manipulate them into accepting their relationship and try to make them hate their mum - his ex wife.
If you've gotten to the end of this thank you! I still see my mum but i feel such resentment towards her although she overcompensates being over nice to me whenever i'm there now, but I try to avoid going over if my step father will be there, although im practicing things to say if he does start having a go at me or belittling me.
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Abusive or just strict parenting or both? please help me understand
abusiveorstrict · 13/07/2015 14:53
Very abusive :( I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Your mother crossed so many inappropriate boundaries and made you feel unwanted and second best.
I don't know how you have anything to do with her.
That sounds extremely abusive, in no way is that simply strict parenting. I'm so sorry you went through that .
Nothing to do with strict parenting at all. Just very, very abusive both physically and emotionally. I'm so sorry.
Thank you all so much for replying, its made me teary which is very unusual for me...my sister would jokes I'm dead inside!
I've not had any therapy, don't know where I'd start with it all and part of me worries about bringing more to the surface and how it'll make me feel...I was also subjected to sexual abuse by a family member who was also a child at the time but continued as he reached an adult age, and I've worked hard to bury those memories so am nervous about digging around childhood too much.
Sometimes I sit and make a little list of different things that have happened and think about posting it all but then I think God either people won't believe it could all happen to one person or that for all that I must have deserved some of it 
I'm sure my mum feels guilt because of how ott she is now I'm older and have left home and have my own children, but also I think she's so alone she clings to me as a support, if I was to confront some of the past I think she'd be distraught and she doesn't really have anyone else, I'd feel so horrible leaving her feeling like that
I've been reading toxic parents and am getting tips on dealing with stepfather if he starts on me, have had to take a bit of a break when I got to the sex abuse chapter though as I do find it a struggle
Thanks again all for replying
It's a weird set up where mum tries to act like we all get along great and that stepfather is wonderful, to the point she calls him grandad in front of my kids, I don't like it but don't know how to say he's not their grandad without causing a storm.
There are times he can be nice for example giving extra gifts at Christmas or offering help to fix something, but for me the regular snipes and put downs outweigh any small acts of kindness. I believe he has NPD because he genuinely believes he's better at everything and knows everything and if its a subject he doesn't know about he'll shut it down quickly. He seems to just love picking fights and if you don't rise to the bait he'll keep going on having digs until you snap.
He doesn't like DH because he is perfectly happy to correct SF if he's wrong and will go toe to toe without being at all afraid of him, I usually look on having a panic attack and trying to load the kids into the car quickly, DH refuses to attend most gatherings because he doesn't want to be in an unpleasant atmosphere waiting for someone to kick off, but has agreed to come for the next few when I plan to stand up for myself as i will feel stronger with him behind me.
I think now I mostly feel sorry for my mum, shes stuck with an arrogant twat and can't afford to be without him so has to put up with whatever he dishes out, she has zero self confidence and is pretty isolated, but at the same time as feeling sorry for her I think well she made her bed, after everything she let us go through its her own fault.
I can almost feel a storm brewing within me like I'm ready to defend myself and rock the boat enough to cause the argument where I can say how awful they were, but I'm just not quite ready to bring it up out of the blue. Ironic normally I try to avoid the arguments and now I'm actually willing him to start one 
Thank you all for taking the time to reply, i think I've known for a while I'd benefit from getting help from a therapist, there are just so many different feelings I have about it all, I struggle to know what it is I actually want to achieve from talking about it.
I feel I want to confront my mother about the past but I don't want to deal with either a defensive response that she was a victim too or a response saying she's sorry and then crying and making me feel bad for bringing it up...those are the only options I can really foresee...although there could be some blaming thrown back at me for being 'difficult'
I am trying to think about different ways of raising it with her and what I could say to start the conversation, but I just feel uncomfortable whenever I picture the calm sit downs people try to stage, it's just not the done thing in the family to discuss old issues so it doesn't feel natural to me.
I don't think I even want her to say sorry, I don't want anything from her I just want to tell her how crap and selfish she was, and I want to tell her to stop playing the hard done by one now her new husband isn't all she had hoped for. I want her to actually be sorry but not just sorry because I've made her feel guilty.
It's almost like I want to bring out the iron fisted battleaxe mother of my younger years so I can really tell her what I think without holding back and feeling bad about it, instead I've got a simpering victim complex mother who'll just sob and accept what I say while asking forgiveness and then expect me to forget all about it...
Sorry I know I'm not really asking questions that anyone can answer, but having somewhere to express my thoughts and get responses from people who aren't involved is helping me process things
OP after your abusive and dysfunctional childhood it's a credit to you that you have ended up in a normal supportive marriage and you haven't turned out like your mother. I wouldn't visit her in her house either.
If you think you can get your SF to see how abusive he was by having your say it won't happen. People with NPD do not have the ability, or don't feel the need to admit to any wrong doing. That's why he can be nice one minute and a complete arse the next. They have no boundaries in their minds, charmers one minute and a abusers the next. If it makes you feel better and you want to off load your anger by all means tell him, just don't expect any apologies. Counselling would be so helpful for your future feelings, instead of feeling upset about your childhood for years to come.
Yes, that is horribly abusive - physically, emotionally and sexually. I'm so sorry you went through this OP. I just want to hug the child that you were, who deserved to be safe and protected. You didn't deserve any of it and I hope you can get the help you need to move forward.
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