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Reconcile marriage or continue with new man?

(19 Posts)
Fearthewalkingdead Mon 13-Jul-15 00:40:07

My husband left ten months ago. We sort of carried on spending time together and sometimes sleeping together until a couple of months ago, partly due to the DC, partly due to us. However, the arguments that caused the separation continued and a few months ago my husband said he didn't love me, in fact, couldn't stand me and would rather 'lose his kids' than have to live with me and he didn't think our marriage could work. He had been emotionally abusive for a while before he left, although I was no angel.

Not long after I went on a date with someone else. Probably too soon, but I was hurt and lonely and I thought it would probably be a one off really, I was still in love with my husband and didn't think I'd like anyone else. We've now seen each other quite a few times and slept together and I really like him. He makes me feel amazing, is so attentive and lovely.

The thing is, I can't imagine a future with my DC and anyone else except my husband. I feel so sad for them. I have told my husband how I feel and although he keeps saying he doesn't think our marriage can work, he has said he would go to marriage counselling. He still maintains he doesn't love me but loves our DC.

I feel like the right thing to do is give the marriage another go, but if there was only me to consider and no DC to consider then I would leave and pursue the new relationship, even though it may not work out. There's not just me though and I don't know what I should do?

Epilepsyhelp Mon 13-Jul-15 01:11:27

Your husband has moved on. I don't think breaking up a potential new relationship will change that. I would work on letting go of the idea that your children can only exist in the nuclear family situation, and accept reality.

Aussiebean Mon 13-Jul-15 01:11:50

You can't ma the marriage work. You and your DH can make it work.

And from what you said, he doesn't want to make it work. It sounds like he only agreed to counselling reluctantly.

Might be an idea to start looking after yourself.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jul-15 06:46:48

does it have to either/or ?

end your marriage...why would you stay with someone who doesn't love you ? confused

if it doesn't feel right with new guy get shut of him too...have you ever spent any time without a bloke in tow ?

TheStoic Mon 13-Jul-15 07:48:19

my husband said he didn't love me, in fact, couldn't stand me and would rather 'lose his kids' than have to live with me

Just read this again. And again. And again.

Your marriage is over, regardless of what happens with the new guy.

Start focusing on yourself, rather than everyone else.

Fearthewalkingdead Mon 13-Jul-15 08:06:16

I suppose because I think my husband does love me but has his own issues that he needs to sort out. He has said he will have individual as well as marriage counselling if 'the counsellors think he should'. He still texts me most days, not only about the DC, although he sometimes uses that as an excuse. (Eg. Did something great that got recognised at work, please tell the DC. Except the DC are far too young to know what it is it means)

Everything feels great with the new guy, obviously very early days, but he makes me laugh, is very considerate of the fact that I have DC, is otherwise kind and thoughtful and is very attractive physically. Of course, it may well come to nothing, but for now he makes me feel good.

I was with my husband for twelve years and was single for four years other than a bit of very casual dating in that time. I just feel a little bit guilty, like I'm having an affair or string now and I don't know why.

Fearthewalkingdead Mon 13-Jul-15 08:06:35

Or something. String has nothing to do with it....

magoria Mon 13-Jul-15 08:20:18

I think you are still having too much contact with you ex to clear your life and move on.

He sounds vile. Happy to keep you there on waiting despite the really nasty things he said to be his back up support.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Mon 13-Jul-15 08:22:44

I think you're being a bit unfair to the new guy as you're clearly still embroiled with the husband. However the husband is clearly not going to have a personality transplant and turn into someone who loves and respects you.
I think you should end things with both of them to be honest. But you probably won't, so stop hanging on to the idea that the husband will change and move on with your life.

Rebecca2014 Mon 13-Jul-15 08:25:35

Oh no your being strung along by him. Once your ex finds someone he clicks with, your be out of the picture for good. I wouldn't let this new man go for an marriage that has failed, your ex admits he does not love you.

TheStoic Mon 13-Jul-15 08:31:03

Does your husband know about the new guy?

Might explain his granting you the honour of doing marriage counselling with you.

newstart15 Mon 13-Jul-15 08:35:41

When you move on to a new relationship quickly it often masks the pain off letting your marriage go but ultimately you have to deal with that pain (disappointment, sadness and grieving for the marriage)
2nd marriages have a high failure rate as the understanding & healing comes later and then you realise it's the wrong partner.

It doesn't feel like you or your H are yet over your marriage so why not try counselling (but you need to let new man go).The counselling may not work but you will at least know you tried your best and can understand why the marriage has ended.It may help to let go and move and could also lead to a better Co parenting relationship and establish boundaries.

I think it's important to know in your own mind why the marriage failed and learn from that so that you are not repeating lessons from your past.

newstart15 Mon 13-Jul-15 08:39:08

I agree however with Rebecca that your H may find someone else - do you suspect he had OW that may not have worked out?

Fearthewalkingdead Mon 13-Jul-15 08:41:37

If there were no DC involved then it would be simple I think, I wouldn't even be considering a reconciliation with my husband, regardless of new man. However, there are children involved. I'm a little cross with myself for involving someone new, it's only complicated things further.

DH does know I'm dating someone and maybe that's the reason he has now said he will go to counselling. I think he still thinks the marriage break up was my fault actually and I suppose that should be my answer.

Fearthewalkingdead Mon 13-Jul-15 08:44:08

I don't think there was an OW involved, although I'm not sure if maybe recently that's what's happened. Initially when he left he just wouldn't have had the time to see anyone else and was still coming here every day.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 13-Jul-15 09:13:56

So: he said he didn't love you, can't stand you, if you didn't have kids he'd be outta there. And you've said similar, to us if not to him. So what, exactly, are you giving another go to?

flatbellyfella Mon 13-Jul-15 09:17:17

He doesn't love me, but loves the children
I am sat here thinking, " How do we define love " ? Apart from a feeling of a need to be with that person as one. Wanting to protect & care for that person, physical attraction would be nice. What else constitutes love ?

Twinklestein Mon 13-Jul-15 09:27:58

He says he doesn't love you, you say he does. Personally I would take his word for it and move on.

riverboat1 Mon 13-Jul-15 09:30:17

Your DH has said pretty emphatically that be doesn't love you or want to live with you. I grew up with constantly arguing parents and it was awful. Don't keep subjecting your kids to that.

The thing is, I can't imagine a future with my DC and anyone else except my husband.

There are separated parents who have a DP but don't live with them (and don't plan to) precisely because actually creating a blended/step family hasn't worked or is unlikely to work. It can be a very happy and simple solution for some, particularly if you live geographically very close to your significant other.

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