Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
It's my fault(10 Posts)
Dh and I argue. Not always but sonetimes.
When we do he always accuses me of ruining the evening. " one night off and yet again you've ruined it! You always want to fight. You've thrown the one night a week we have down the pan again!"
The problem is this makes me feel awful. His attitude is that I am spoiling for a fight to spoil the day. Mine is today we've argued- it takes two.. As far as I am concerned he is trying to emotionally blackmail me into not "arguing" with him. Today's example of my arguing with him is me challenging him yet again on how disrespectful arriving almost an hour later than promised to an event is. He argued that my friends were there so he didn't think I'd watch the clock and wouldn't notice his lateness. My argument was that he said he'd be there at 12 and I bought him a drink at 12, told everyone he was arriving at 12 ( as he said he would) and had to be
Posted too soon- I had to stand with his drink everybody airing for his imminent arrival for an hour until he felt it appropriate to grave us with his presence. It was embarrassing and disrespectful. I couldn't call him on it in public and waited till we got home. He then turns it on me and I'm gels responsible for ruining our only night together. I feel terrible. But equally I feel he's manipulating the scenario to distract from his own crappy behaviour. Wwyd?
Should I let it go so we can have a nice evening? Should I not gave challenged him?
Is he habitually late for things, have you discussed this before, did it really matter that he was late? For say, a film at the cinema then yes I'd be annoyed, for meeting up with friends for an afternoon in the pub I probably wouldn't notice (unless his lateness was a regular occurrence). What was his reason for being late?
Is he right though, in that every time you go out or have a 'night off' you end up arguing?
What happens if you raise it after the event, say in this case you'd raised it tomorrow instead of today? Personally I think that would be ludicrous, that you've got to spend the whole evening pretending nothing is wrong after a daytime event (assuming it was midday today he was meant to turn up) in order not to 'spoil the evening'. Possibly fairer if you'd got in at 10 this evening, work tomorrow, etc - not the best time for a heated discussion. He needs to be offering an alternative way for you to express your feelings, not just trying to shut you down.
In this case I'm not sure why you bought him a drink before he actually turned up, nor why you didn't just put it down and let him drink it (warm) when he finally did show up.
The lateness is constant. Together or apart he is late. For everything. Always. Yes we've discussed it. Yes I've told him him rude and disrespectful it is. He doesn't agree.
The one day a week we have off is the day we argue most because when he or I are working then these situations don't happen and or we don't have serious conversations when each of us is home from work exhausted.
I'm not sure why I bought him a dink either. I believed him. I was uncomfortable at the couples event without him and believed him he'd arrive when he said. The event would have been easier with him as there were all couples but me. He says he was late because he didn't have a watch and when he said an hour it doesn't mean exactly an hour and I shouldn't have been clock watching. He arrived 50 mins later than agreed.
He's in bed now. Won't talk to me because I've ruined everything and I'm the bitch that ruined our evening together.
Seems to me he is setting you up then deliberately making it so if you pull him up on his crappy behaviour, "it's all you". Gaslighting idiot.....
Certainly it sounds as if he is choosing to blow up any criticism to make it your fault and ensure you feel completely shitty, he then storms off to bed leaving you with what - all the chores to do? How convenient.
Does it happen every time you have a free day?
Most people I know who are highly punctual have very set ways of dealing with friends who aren't. Put simply they don't depend on them and also won't wait for them. So in this case, given you didn't want to be there on your own when everyone else was in a couple - don't go without him. Make sure you meet him at home and go together. However, I suspect you would have found that equally stressful as they were your friends and you would have been appallingly late turning up. In which case, you need to accept he's going to be unpunctual and leave him behind. Put up with being on your own (surely not that bad when you're in a group of friends?)
And of course you don't believe him when he says he's going to arrive at a particular time. No drinks or food get bought, if he shows up he does, if not <shrug> well, he doesn't.
The question then is whether you think that is an acceptable trait in a partner. Personally I would find the fact that he doesn't see it as a problem, but then manufacturers a row around you expressing your upset, refusing to speak to you, as more of a problem than the lack of punctuality itself. He seems to lack respect for other people.
For the lateness thing. If you are meeting him somewhere at say ten wait ten mins and then leave. My dh was like this. So upsetting waiting and we had many rows over it. Then l was meeting him for coffee after work and l waited 10 mins and left. I didnt fight ever again over it l just left. He is never late now and if delayed in traffic he will always apologise when he arrives which he never did before. It was just a habit. So don't argue just put in consequences. That would have been difficult yesterday as you would miss out on friends but when it's just the two of you. Also don't expect him to come so you won't be disappointed and don't tell your friends a time. Sorting out time thing with my dh also helped me when teenagers came along as if they weren't ready l went at appointed time. So no words just actions. Then don't explain just say oh l thought you weren't coming.
Putting the lateness aside for a moment, are there other circumstances where his behaviour is deliberately awful & it ends up being your fault? Is his behaviour calculated in order to cause an argument?
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.