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Stepfather I think having affair

(3 Posts)
SuperFlyHigh Sun 05-Jul-15 22:57:46

I am 99% my stepfather (not married to my DM) is having an affair.

Situation, my DM, DB and I were in DB's car earlier this year on a day trip to see a family friend who was dying of cancer. Stepfather did not come along and it's a day or possibly overnight trip between London and Devon. We had thought we may stay the night and it was a strong possibility.

We decided to leave the Devon town late afternoon didn't tell stepfather not for any reason just decided to come home suddenly but later than planned rather than stay with friends and were driving along when suddenly my DM gets a text from stepfather and all hell breaks loose. she read the text to us showed it to us and basically it was meant for another woman saying he was free to meet her as my DM was away and was signed a pet name but sort of kinky. It said something about the OW if there is one meeting her after work. When my DM rang my Stepfather furious he denied it being sent and said it was to my DM and she had got confused. I think he pressed wrong person to send it to to be honest. All well and good you may think, however my DM then confessed that about 5-10 years ago there had been a similar text and she had got upset, she didn't get to the bottom of it but she thought there was a woman and the OW had been issued with marching orders by stepfather on my DM's say so apparently. The family knew nothing of the latter affair at the time or after it, DM didn't want to tell us.

I was furious with my stepfather now but my DB said men have affairs all the time but we agreed to let DM deal with it at home later and that would be it, between them. This was back I think late January 2015. DM and stepfather have been together 35 years or so but up and down with arguments when the DC (DB and me) were kids/teens and once he left home for a few days.

However since I've been round to the house at the weekend to see DM and stepfather (generally I go for lunch or on a Saturday or Sunday just to pop in and have tea and sometimes help DM) as I live fairly near them, my stepfather for the past few years has been to the gym 3 x a week but takes up to 2-3 or more hours every time. The gym is a 15 minute walk away. Last year he also lost a lot of weight due to giving up alcohol. Stepfather is also 10 years younger than DM and looks good for his age. She almost excused his behaviour re possible affair as she has rheumatoid arthritis and they are in separate beds therefore if he wanted to take a mistress it'd be ok to meet sexual needs. She also either does not want to upset dynamics or thinks he would be entitled to half the house. I checked with my boss (a solicitor) last week and not the case, I think it's in her name not his, they do have a holiday home in France mostly bought in his name but in joint names.

I also was at the house the other day as I had some work done on my flat which made it very fumey with fumes so mum told me to come over. I did and chilled out went upstairs to the spare room where I'd kept something spare and I came downstairs (mum had gone out) saw stepfather on computer looking at houses to buy but he shut down browsers as soon as I came in the room and saw what I'd seen (PC is a huge Apple Mac in living room and isn't hidden).

I can see you thinking why are you as DD so invested? Well I don't get on with stepfather we fell out a few years ago and he refuses to speak to me apart from hello and goodbye. I do not make waves though have tried to hold out an olive branch but he refuses to bother. Having said that I don't want them to break up I am just furious he is treating her this way. In fact I wish I didn't have these suspicions and up to this January I just thought he was being funny with me but their relationship was fine.

Should I just wipe this from my mind or ask my mum about it? She really does feel I think if she broke up with him she would be on her own and she also lacks confidence in her looks. I am concerned about her and close to her as a DD even though we have had our ups and downs.

Anyone wanting to judge me or give me a kicking for caring please don't, I know this is a highly emotional and strange situation. She is 74 he is 64.

Thanks for reading.

pocketsaviour Sun 05-Jul-15 23:27:03

I would tell your mum what you've discovered on the legal side of things, offer her your support if she does want to leave, and then let her make her own decision.

SuperFlyHigh Mon 06-Jul-15 09:33:19

thanks Pocket - I think she won't want to leave so I suppose I'd better just leave it and let him carry on like this...

I will bring it up with her though I think... just so she knows I have her support. My stepfather will either hit the roof and be nasty to me next time I see him or he will leave but he has too much to lose by leaving so I think he'll lie and pull the wool over her eyes again.

I know this sounds premature and selfish but there have also been issues with mum's friends having siblings dying and then relationships occurring between ex-husbands and sisters etc... and I also would hate to find out that if my stepfather (who I will have NC or very limited contact with after my DM dies) will be with the OW who he was with whilst they were together.

There is also 'family stuff' eg inherited and nothing to do with stepfather going back a few generations which DM inherited when I was 9, I know her will calls for it be split 3 ways and fairly (DB, me, stepfather) but I feel anger that stepfather will get his hands on this...

I guess maybe I should look at anger issues with stepfather as really there is no love lost there at all and though I've tried to resolve things he won't have it.

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