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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP and comment

19 replies

Zzzsnatcher · 04/07/2015 19:42

Hi
I was doing the DC1 bath and juggling breastfeeding the DC2. I was shocked that DP hasn't taken it upon himself to get DC1 out of bath and dressed for bed. It meant he was waiting for me to do it so I voiced my opinion that I felt I was doing it all. He said he didn't understand and I got cross and was telling him surely to understand. I sometimes want him to just think of me and get stuck in putting the kids to bed. He said "stop waving your fat arms at me" u said don't ever say. That. He quickly said say what?. Then after I got them to bed he kept saying he didn't understand why I was so cross. He says I must be making it up in my head!
Ts made me feel really crap as im trying to lose weight and he changed the course of the discussion away from him to my arms!

OP posts:

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Zzzsnatcher · 04/07/2015 19:43

Sorry hadn't finished. Things aren't great between us and I feel this is the nail in coffin

OP posts:

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 04/07/2015 20:16

What's your question for us?

Bogeyface · 04/07/2015 20:18

So he leaves you to do everything and when you call him on it he insults you and deflects the conversation away from what you were saying?

As a one off I would be pissed off and would have words but if his laziness and insults are constant then yes, it could well be the straw that breaks the camels back.

He doesnt have any respect for you does he?

FabULouse · 04/07/2015 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Zzzsnatcher · 04/07/2015 20:24

Sorry I'm not sure what my question is, probably, is this really bad behaviour?
I'm feeling very down. I said don't call me that and so he's denying that he called me anything. He's always saying don't wave your arms at me, he's not denying that. But he's denying that he called me fat. I'm sat upstairs and he's downstairs. I can't leave though as I have no where to go and I can't claim housing benefit.

OP posts:

Zzzsnatcher · 04/07/2015 20:25

In an arguemt or when Im trying to explain he'll say don't wave your arms or look at you!

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Bogeyface · 04/07/2015 20:31

Why cant you claim housing benefit?

Bogeyface · 04/07/2015 20:33

Its quite a common tactic to divert the argument from whatever is being said eg "I am pissed off that you are leaving all the work for me instead of helping out" become him having a go at you for being mad/ranting/whatever, so the initial problem if him being lazy and selfish is suddenly him having a go at you..........

Not good if this happens every time you try and bring something up with him.

Zzzsnatcher · 04/07/2015 20:46

Its because I have savings from an inheritance of over £16,000 which is supposed to be for a deposit on a house but I'm unable to get a mortgage at the moment.

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Flisspaps · 04/07/2015 20:52

Use the money for a deposit/rent on a rental property.

Using the money to rent a house without him would be a wise investment of your money - you're buying peace rather than property.

Zzzsnatcher · 04/07/2015 20:55

Yes you are right Fiss. Would an estate agent accept me even though I don't earn enough. Will they accept a lump sum of rent.

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Flisspaps · 04/07/2015 21:02

If you can prove you have the means to pay, then I don't see why not.

SoljaBonita · 04/07/2015 21:02

Most landlords would be delighted with a lump sum of rent, yes.

Zzzsnatcher · 04/07/2015 21:14

It seems our relationship has got this bad. This is bad isn't it? I need reminding that there's better relationships out there

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tribpot · 04/07/2015 21:20

You don't need a better relationship. You just need not to be in a bad one. The point is you are meant to be in a partnership with someone yet he can't get one child out of the bath whilst you breastfeed the other. Then when you get cross about it he (a) claims he can't understand why you would be cross about it and (b) denies having called you fat as a way to turn the argument from being about his failures as a parent and partner to a pointless discussion about whether or not he said a particular word.

Use that money as an investment in your own happiness and your freedom.

Bogeyface · 04/07/2015 21:46

Many landlords and agencies will accept 6 months full rent paid in advance (with deposit of course) if you will fail their credit check for whatever reason.

I agree, using your money to buy peace of mind and happiness is what you need more than bricks and mortar right now.

Zzzsnatcher · 04/07/2015 21:55

Thanks. I'm starting to think he reacts due to the way I speak to him. But whatever, whoevers at fault, we are in a bad place. And it's not been great for a long time

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tribpot · 04/07/2015 22:51

By calmly disagreeing this is now your fault? Per-lease.

You are right to think it is more important to focus on how to end the situation than it is on how you got there, but I think if you admit fault in your mind he will exploit that and convince you if you just try harder (to obey and not question him) it can be made right.

Bogeyface · 05/07/2015 21:24

No he reacts to the fact that you speak to him about something he doesnt want to hear.

He knows that you are right, he could have taken the eldest out of the bath as you were busy with the little one, but he couldnt be arsed. By calling him on that you have put his laziness into sharp focus and he didnt like it. So instead of admitting it and doing better in future, he went on the attack.

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