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A friendship issue

(21 Posts)
ohthegoats Fri 26-Jun-15 23:19:14

Long story for a basic question:

Met at uni, bought a house together to rent to other students (using parental money, it was parent investment), fell out in 3rd year, sold house through lawyers, mutual friends got us in touch again 4 years later. Friends again, holidayed together while both single. She lived in London, I used to travel a lot with work so saw her often when flying out of Heathrow. She rarely visited me (but then she didn't feel that she needed to because I was always in London). I changed jobs, so no longer in London very often, she visited me even more rarely than before (like twice in 4 years). She'd drive past where I lived to visit other friends, or even parents of other friends, yet not drop in. Claimed I was her 'best friend', 'a radiator, not a drain like the others', yet clearly not the case!

Was just about to fade her when her boyfriend proposed and she asked me to be bridesmaid. Impossible to turn down, and her mum was disabled, so no one to help her organise stuff. I ended up doing a LOT for her wedding, and being bridesmaid. She was awful bridezilla, and ultimately the wedding issues ended our friendship. She had a baby and became even more crap at being an actual 'friend', so the fade happened quite naturally.

I've not seen her since 2008, nor contacted her in any way since then. She however still texts me on my birthday, sends me emails about how much she misses me, comments in Facebook messages about my profile photos (I've now blocked her), and is generally a bit 'not getting the message' about our 'friendship'. Apart from these messages etc, I don't miss her or think about her. I've just got one tonight... a huge waffle about what an amazing person I am. Since I last saw her I've changed careers, moved house/cities, met my partner, had a baby... she's got no idea whether I'm amazing or not! I can't imagine being 'friends' with her anymore, it's too weird.

Would you actually SAY something in response, or just let her carry on until it stops?

SycamoreMum Fri 26-Jun-15 23:29:13

Just let her carry one until the penny drops. I phased out a friend I'd had since we were 5 years old because she did nothing for me. Tbh she just began grating on me. Every now and then she'd pop up and try to reconnect but I just couldn't with her; its like we'd outgrown each which sounds like what kind of happened to you OP. Just keep your distance wine

jesy Mon 29-Jun-15 09:30:29

Block her emails or at least and to junk mail , blokck number of your phone can.

It sounds harsh but I've been in similar situations , friend real close did everything together, joint bank account the lot
But she used me , even to the point of rubbing face in it when she got / pregnant ,
These people are toxic they use

coffeetasteslikeshit Mon 29-Jun-15 09:34:55

Just woman up and tell her that you don't want to be friends anymore, put her out of her misery of wondering what's going on.

whyohwhy234 Mon 29-Jun-15 11:01:22

I agree with pp who says tell her. I've been phased out by someone and from my end it was a long horrible process of trying to work out what I'd done wrong, trying to make things better, thinking I was imagining things, adjusting to a lower level of friendship, etc. If at any point the 'friend' had just been honest with me and said that she no longer thought we had things in common, or that she didn't like my lifestyle choices, I'd have been hurt but would have 'gracefully' walked away rather than taking several months to get the hint.

InThisTogether Mon 29-Jun-15 14:21:48

I think it's just being a little mean and cruel to keep allowing her to think this to be honest. She's obviously not got the hint, so tell her.

jesy Sun 05-Jul-15 11:00:41

Can I add to this again, the slow facing out hurts , I've just realised this is happening to me at the moment.
People I used to work with but also saw social ( but can't say real friends) have started to ignore text , arrange nights out, but I don't fit in now.
Even to the point that they are going to lunch again a five min walk from mine tomorrow, in a way I'd rather they say not welcome.
It's not right to play with emotions

saturnvista Sun 05-Jul-15 12:03:11

Phasing out is for selfish cowards. If you must hurt this person - although I cannot imagine why the odd email is so intolerable - just tell her the truth.

jesy Sun 05-Jul-15 21:03:11


I agree, as some one it's happened to it mAke you feel it's going to happen again.
I've made a friend recently and I'm worried it will happen again .

winkywinkola Mon 06-Jul-15 08:08:04

I used to think ignoring + phasing out was the right way but it has happened to me once.

I felt utterly and totally foolish when I realised what was going on. I kept on offering play dates, dinner etc.

Had the friend just told me the truth then I could have kept some dignity.

I don't even know what I did wrong.

However op, you hardly see this person anyway. But I think it would be kinder and cleaner if you sent an email back saying that you think it better you don't stay in touch as you have nothing in common anymore.

jesy Mon 06-Jul-15 08:43:33

The person probably knows they being fazed out but clings on to hope and we have all done that.
Hope can be cruel, the girl who did it to me , a few years ago sent me message on fb recently and I still had the glimmer of hope ut thought better of it

winkywinkola Mon 06-Jul-15 09:10:01

If you do email her don't go into a long list of her wrongdoings though! There's no need for that.

Meemoll Thu 09-Jul-15 19:50:05

I'm so glad it's not just me. I've been fazed out so many times and it is just so upsetting. My self-esteem just falls apart every time someone does this to me, yet I still seem to keep trying to be friends with them, even when they have ignored me/not replied to anything I've sent/been miserable to me and jolly to everyone else/said things that strongly imply I'm just not a friend anymore. I really wish people could be more upfront and just tell me, rather than stringing me along and making me feel like shit. It's currently happening to me again and so I would say you're probably kinder just telling this woman, in the nicest possible way, that you've moved on.

springydaffs Thu 09-Jul-15 21:58:57

OR tell her why! You've made a good list in your op eg she drove past your house to visit other friends but didn't visit you more than twice in 4 years. She seems to think you are some kind of constant, that she didn't need to work at the friendship bcs she was assured you would always be, well, there. Like a book on the shelf she loves having but doesn't actually read. That is, inanimate.

People like this are headfucks.

HoldYerWhist Thu 09-Jul-15 22:08:04

Ffs. It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong by sending emails now and again but if you must move on, which is fine, then bloody woman up and tell her.

Phasing (yes, phasing) out is complete childish not to mention unnecessarily cruel. Why fuck with someone's head like that? Just, why?

Mintyy Thu 09-Jul-15 22:14:14

Oooh, this is one of those threads where I would just sincerely love to hear the other side of the story.

From what I can gather, friend was a bit of a bridezilla and went to visit other people sometimes without including our op, and also became a bit crap at staying in touch when she'd had a baby.

Not sure any of those are sackable offences so your friend probably has no idea she's done anything wrong.

I can so very clearly see the reverse thread on Mumsnet!

Mintyy Thu 09-Jul-15 22:17:46

Yes, "phasing out", seems to be the way children in primary school handle the ups and downs of their relationships.

I've seen 13 year old girls handle themselves in a more dignified way.

MrsChanningTatum Fri 10-Jul-15 07:40:37

Yes, phasing out is horrible. Someone did it to me. I used to feel really confused and hurt. Now I feel annoyed. I was upset for about 3 years! Then I became irritated and finished the process of by de-friending on FB, not sending Xmas cards and not sending birthday greeting/presents to her and her girls. I finally feel like I'm getting over it. Disclaimer : I have other good friends and a busy life smile

jaykay34 Fri 10-Jul-15 07:54:22

This post has made me realise...I think a friend is tying to phase me out.

OP, you would probably find that your friend doesn't mind atall. The reason she tries to keep on the friendship is because she feels guilty for not seeing you.

My situation (although I'm on the other side) is that I had a "best friend" I made at an old workplace 10 years ago. Our lives were similar at the time, we used to tell eachother our problems and were a great support to eachother. We used to go on nights out together, we also have kids a similar age, so used to mix with them out of work.
Over the years our lives changed, we stopped working together, and we haven't seen eachother as much - infact I have a 9 month old baby that she has never seen. We never call or text eachother, but if we bump into eachother we will always say we will meet up soon or ring eachother. It never happens.
I feel guilty that I haven't seen her as we were so close once upon a time - and now and again I will write a reply on her facebook status or photos - which she never likes or answers to.

Your post has made me see that she is phasing me out - and I can actually stop feeling guilty that I haven't seen her. Friendship is a two sided thing, and I guess we have both had enough. We served a purpose to eachother for a time - and don't really have anything in common anymore.
I don't feel hurt - it's more relief that it's two sided.
You will probably find your friend feels the same smile .

jaykay34 Fri 10-Jul-15 07:54:56

Sorry for typo - trying..not tying !

Meemoll Fri 10-Jul-15 09:45:29

Agh, yes phasing not fazing...

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