Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you get to the relationship stage?

(22 Posts)
NobleLocks Fri 26-Jun-15 17:52:06

Im dating and have been single roughly for 3 years.
I've had 6 dates with a guy on POF, he's very nice.
Tonight he's having dinner at my house for the first time..

I've done this before, neverDTD with them but it sort of really fizzles out.

My question is: after playing it really cool and going with it and trying to not look desperate how do I get to the relationship stage without scaring them off?

wonderingsoul Fri 26-Jun-15 18:02:24

ohh how exciting..what are you making.... ordering in?

id say 6 dates is a fair amoint to ask wherehe sees this going?

NobleLocks Fri 26-Jun-15 18:03:59

Im doing a lasange, hopefully don't poison him grin

Do I ask just that? I am
Absolutely clueless!

Heels99 Fri 26-Jun-15 18:05:26

No don't ask that fgs! Let it develop naturally. It won't fizzle out if you get on great and there is a spark.

wonderingsoul Fri 26-Jun-15 18:15:32

cant go wrong with that, im sure he'll love it.

personaly after dinner and maybe a glass of wine or something id say

iv been having a great time, and Im really like seeing you....

and take it from there.

I dont think its wrong to ask, esp if you met on a dating site..

NobleLocks Fri 26-Jun-15 18:16:13

Let's hope it goes well!smile

Goodbetterbest Fri 26-Jun-15 18:20:56

I said I was taking my profile down and wasn't going to contact anyone else. Thankfully he said he'd do te same. (Date 2)

Melonfool Fri 26-Jun-15 18:25:23

I wouldn't ask any of those questions til after we'd DTD. So, I'd have a few drinks and if I wanted it to go further, jump him.

Then ask after about "being exclusive".

NobleLocks Fri 26-Jun-15 18:26:50

But then I'll feel used if he says no o think confused

twirlypoo Fri 26-Jun-15 18:29:03

I've done the same as the pp, and just said I was taking down my online dating profile. I just sort of drop it in conversation so it's not a big deal, but allows them to say the same (or not!)

Threefishys Fri 26-Jun-15 19:53:53

Just let it evolve and do the deed when you Want to, there's no guarantees in anybody's relationship so forget about all the labels, let it be smile

Inexperiencedchick Fri 26-Jun-15 20:49:26

Have you had sex yet, if it's okay to ask...

How long do people usually wait before getting physical?

Threefishys Fri 26-Jun-15 21:26:05

For me had been talking to him for a month, met him for a night out, sex that night. Together 9 months now. Happy smile about two months in he referred to me as his girlfriend on the phone to someone else - I guess that's when it became a relationship in his mind.

BoxOfKittens Fri 26-Jun-15 21:33:38

I think the "where is this going " question can ruin the natural development if asked too soon.

Can you just have fun and see how it goes for a bit longer before broaching the subject? Maybe get on the subject of sex at some point (if you haven't already!) and let him know that a one off isn't your reason for being on POF.

Tbh, with this particular person, I'd not worry too much about feeling used. As you said, the others fizzled out before sleeping together. So far he has enjoyed your company for six dates without sleeping together. After returning to dating after being with one person for nine years and then being strictly single for two, I was quite surprised to learn how quickly sex is expected! I'm even more surprised by how quickly I embraced sex on the first date blush Prior to that , kissing on the first date seemed shocking enough !

Like you, I was worried about feeling used . It did happen once or twice but I wasn't surprised as neither one of them had said or done anything to suggest it would be anything more. The person I'm with now, we've been together two years and things got quite physical on the first date . So that isn't a guarantee that it won't become more serious. It all depends .

I agree with the person who said ask these questions after sleeping together . But not too soon after! (I was imagining rolling off and saying "so, we are together now us? ") wink

Melonfool Fri 26-Jun-15 22:32:00

Why would you feel used if you initiate sex? If you don't want sex, that's fine, don't initiate it. But if you do initiate it, whether he's interested in exclusivity or not, then you can hardly accuse him of using you. Maybe the other way round

So, if that makes you uncomfortable, have a few drinks, ask him how he sees things and say you don't sleep with someone until you feel the relationship has some meaning for both of you.

In the words of the Millionaire Matchmaker - no sex before monogomy!

NobleLocks Sat 27-Jun-15 07:41:20

Thank you all!
I'm not going to say anything for a few more dates.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 27-Jun-15 07:51:07

I think it's odd to ask before sex. Sex can spell the end of a thing if it's not good and that doesn't mean you've been used it could just mean that the chemistry isn't good. If you have sex and it's good and you want to do it again, that might be the point to say that you prefer to be exclusive when you're sleeping with someone which is a totally fair request.

NobleLocks Mon 06-Jul-15 14:10:27

Well it's going well, dtd a lot!
He also messaged me last night saying that 'I'm really enjoying how things are going and if we are going to carry on I think we could be in a relationship '

So am I in a relationship?

PartyFops Mon 06-Jul-15 14:14:08

envy Yes it certainly sounds like it grin.

NobleLocks Mon 06-Jul-15 14:15:17

Oooo how exciting! My first in years!

Spell99 Mon 06-Jul-15 15:07:16

I reacon you are definitely in a relationship, unless of course on your reply to that message was "who's this?" Frankly i think you had one once he said he was taking his profile down.

NobleLocks Mon 06-Jul-15 15:25:57

How very exciting grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now