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Problems with Step Mother(12 Posts)
I'm having issues with my own SM at the moment. As she gets older she seems to be getting more and more bitter about decisions that she has made in her life. She also seems to be trying to dictate more about what we do so that it fits in with her ideas and is actually being very verbally aggressive about it.
Many years ago she made the decision to move to where my dad was because he made it clear he wouldn't move away from the area because he wanted to be near to me and my sister, plus all his family are here and i suspect he thought he'd been through one divorce and wasn't going to risk all the upheaval again and didn't want to be away from his support network. He gave her the choice and So she chose to move her child down to live in the area and set up home. Her child had problems settling in the area and has never really got on well in life, nothing major just listless and working in dead end jobs. She is now very bitter about her choice saying that this has disadvantaged her son and how he has done in life. She is determined to think that it was because of the move and nothing to do with the individual themselves. She is starting to talk very aggressively and resentfully about this decision to me but This is a decision made when I was a child so really wasn't any of my doing! My sister and I had a rough time when we were young, lots of family issues but through determination and hard work we've both established ourselves in successful careers and have our own children now (my step brother doesn't) this seems to be causing resentment on her part.
My sister now lives in a different part of the country and my step mum's son has moved away. My SM is now trying to dictate that we move close to them so that we can look after them as they get older. My dad is adamant that we should live our own lives and wants us to move where we are happy. He has said this many times over the years. Problem is SM was quite nasty about this issue berating me in front of my dad, suggesting that i have responsibilities and i am selfish. I am able to stand up for myself but I was so shocked and it are completely out of the blue I didn't really know what to say! My DH (who wasn't there) said my dad should have stepped in and stopped her but he didn't I think she is verbally bullying him more now and his approach is to pretend it isn't happening. She back tracked later on saying that's not what she meant but tbh I wasn't buying it considering how she clear she was at the time.
I used to think she was okay, a bit sharp at times but generally ok. I'm sure that there is something else going on, I've asked my dad but he doesn't know (he would tell me I'm sure). She just seems so bitter about things now.
I think deep down she is disappointed with my step brother and decisions he has made in life, but that isn't my fault!
Thanks for reading this if you have got this far!
She isn't your responsibility. If your dad is happy with your decisions and isn't asking you to move then be guided by what he wants.
She's nothing to you.
Frank one to one chat with your Dad?
Could there be health problems? Or financial?
It sounds quite sudden.
Thanks for your replies.
I did have a frank chat with my dad. I asked him if it was an issue she had with us or something else was going on. He said he didn't think it was us but didn't know of anything else that had happened.
I feel angry that she thinks she can now dictate to us!
If I'm honest it also brought up a lot of memories from when I was a kid. She went through a dark patch and would say snipey things in front of me about how my dad was with me. I think there was jealousy tbh but at the time I just tried to shrug it off even though it hurt. I'd forgotten a lot of it to be honest, yesterday was like stepping back in time.
Maybe 'just' take a firm line with her? Out in the open?
"I don't think it's fair of you to expect that"
"That's a matter for DH and me to decide"
It points out would should be obvious to a reasonable woman but also would be empowering and underline your new adult status, maybe?
It might even inspire your Dad to back you up in some small way?
To be honest I did say something of that sort back. I also said it was a decision between DH and I what was best for our family. But she just wouldn't quit! A which point I went quiet and ignored her then I think she got the message. Later she got upset and was trying to gaslight me into thinking that's not what she meant. I pulled her up on it and said that's not what you so said, you did XYZ. which she couldn't argue with. My dad was there listening to all this and said nothing. I could tell he was angry though.
I've read the stately homes thread and it was a FOG script to a T!
I'm just angry that in my mind she's massively overstepped the mark and I'm annoyed with my dad for not saying anything! It's created an atmosphere now.
I feel like that little girl again at the mercy of adults in a situation not of my choosing . It's brought up some powerful emotions if I'm honest.
I'm a step mum and I would never ever say anything like this to my step kids. I have to work to separate my feeling from those of me as the little step child and me as the adult. When its over whelming I take my self away from the situation and let them get on with it. I would never ever want them to feel how I did.
I feel like that little girl again at the mercy of adults in a situation not of my choosing
It's not easy to avoid. Dysfunctional families are seriously hard work.
I'm going to go and look at FOG script. I haven't heard that one.
I'm a SM in a similar situation to your SM all those years ago.
DH and I live in the area that his ex and her family is from. As such, we're really close by to his DC which is great. We're also a stone's throw from his ex and all her extended family. It's a big support network for him and his ex.
DH and I have DC together and I have no family or support nearby at all.
It's also not an area I would've chosen to live or bring up my DCs. In my heart of hearts I worry that I've disadvantaged my DC by bringing them up in this area. But I love DH and wanted to be with him that's the sacrifice I've made and I need to own it. I would never want my DSC to feel like anything was their fault.
I can completely understand why your SM feels the way she does. But she is totally out of order to be saying those things and making you feel bad.
Fear-Obligation-Guilt = FOG. I never knew about it until I read the SH thread.
Wasp- thanks for your view. I get it, i do but how long can you blame lack of success on your childhood? We went to a shit school too lots of upheaval and issues but we just clawed our way through it. My sis didn't come out with very much academically but has worked really hard instead and is a success. Where do you draw the line between being disadvantaged and not actually making the effort to do well? He just hasn't bothered to try. Don't get me wrong he's a lovely bloke but has never really put himself out to take risks or try for anything in life. Just always taken the easy route.
She just seems really bitter about her decision and maybe resentful towards us for our dad choosing to stick around.
Normally she is lovely but I get the feeling this might have been bubbling underneath for a while now.
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