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Letting go of resentment....

(18 Posts)
brightnearly Tue 23-Jun-15 22:29:14

Is there a technique?!?

I've been full of resentment towards DH for years now...and can't get rid of it, can't see him in a different light.

He did stuff - he offered an explanation (along the lines of 'I was a mess back then, but have completely changed") which I find insufficient; when I bring up the topic he gets very dismissive...

What to do?

BathtimeFunkster Tue 23-Jun-15 22:32:46

You are allowed to be pissed off when someone treats you badly.

You are under no obligation to stop being pissed off, particularly if they make no effort to put things right.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 23-Jun-15 22:38:18

Has he 'completely changed' and has he been an exemplary dh for the past few years?

DragonsCanHop Tue 23-Jun-15 22:47:57

If your feelings haven't been fully ecknowledged it makes it harder to let go of the feeling of resentment mo

blankblink Wed 24-Jun-15 01:26:47

This quote has been around a long time and it and its variations have been attributed to lots of famous people.

"Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"

Techniques for dealing with resentment are many and varied, here are a few to start you off. Try some, experiment, find what works for you.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-therapist-is-in/201103/10-steps-letting-go-resentment
this is similar but worded slightly differently
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-therapist-is-in/201009/find-freedom-in-forgiveness

www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-to-let-go-of-a-resentment.html

flowers

SunnyBaudelaire Wed 24-Jun-15 01:39:32

Brightnearly I have looked at the middle one, and it looks really useful.
Thank you for posting that link, blankblink

Lioninthesun Wed 24-Jun-15 02:07:46

*You are allowed to be pissed off when someone treats you badly.

You are under no obligation to stop being pissed off, particularly if they make no effort to put things right.*
^ THIS

If we let everyone walk over us and forget everything we'd be a lemming. Far healthier to have these feelings and know what is right and wrong.

brightnearly Wed 24-Jun-15 11:52:13

Thanks for these answers - and thanks for the links, blank . That's why I'd like to let go - because the only one poisoning herself is me.

Lion - the conundrum is: what if the other person doesn't care?

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 22:39:04

.
will read these link later

CakeMountain Sun 15-Nov-15 23:14:22

OP, there is such a thing as appropriate anger. To some extent I believe that expressing that anger is good and suppressing it is not.

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 23:20:45

what about when the anger is expressed and the other person bats you down emotionally, dismisses your hurt?

CakeMountain Sun 15-Nov-15 23:32:05

Ultimately ssd that is their issue and failing - you only need to concentrate on you.

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 23:38:51

but when they dismiss me it hurts and frustrates me more

their dismissal of me and my feelings really wounds me, it makes me feel small and unworthy.

ssd Sun 15-Nov-15 23:39:06

like I dont matter.

OnTheEdgeToday Sun 15-Nov-15 23:41:05

Then you need to ask yourself if they are really worth anymore of your time and effort?

OnTheEdgeToday Sun 15-Nov-15 23:42:54

Sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. If you cannot find it within yourself to get past this, and he cannot acknowledge your hurt in all of this...then where is this heading? To another 5 years of feeling like this. Is this how you want your life to be?
You need to think of you.
Have you tried couples counselling? - that is if you really want to keep trying.

CakeMountain Mon 16-Nov-15 03:52:19

ssd sadflowers. Whoever is hurting you doesn't sound very nice.

ssd Mon 16-Nov-15 07:33:44

she's not. thanks

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