How do I deal with my anger?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

STBXH (oh it feels so good to type that!) and I separated 3 months ago, I asked him to leave. He left for a week, then announced he'd been away from the boys too long (despite coming in every day to put them to bed) so was moving back in, and proposed to live independently in the box room.

I said this would never work so I took the boys and left. We had to stay with my dad and stepmum for a few weeks whilst I found somewhere for us to live.

We're now attending mediation (to sort out access and finances not for reconciliation) but I'm so fucking angry with him for forcing the boys to leave their home, it's clouding everything. I struggle to be civil to him. The boys are only 5 and 2 so we're going to be seeing each other for a long time and I don't want to be this angry forever.

I need to know why he thought making us all move was ok, and I don't know whether to bring it up in mediation or text/e-mail him and ask him direct.

[BathtimeFunkster]

He thought it was OK because he's a selfish wanker.

Your anger is entirely reasonable.

Bring it up in mediation.

[HolgerDanske]

I can understand how horrible it is. But he's probably done you a favour - you will be able to make a home for yourself and your little ones that will never have been tainted by him.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Yes you're right Holger, but I still can't get my head round how he thought it was an ok way to treat his children.

When he said he was coming back the next day it was a Saturday (so he was intending on coming back on the Sunday) I asked him if he would wait until the Monday so I could speak to my health visitor to find out if the proposed arrangement would be in the best interests of the boys and he wouldn't even do that. What kind of a father does that?

We're supposed to be sorting the finances out in mediation now (access arrangements have already been dealt with) so I'm worried about derailing things.

[ALaughAMinute]

What a selfish bastard!

You (very understandably) feel angry now but you are the mother of two young DC's so you will come out on top!

Hang on in there, all will be well in the end.

[blueistheonlycolourwefeel]

My exh moved out, but took my ds's bed and bedroom furniture and then never had him overnight so I had to buy him all new stuff.
Me and DS stayed in the marital home until it was sold a few months later (mutually agreed) and when he came back to get his belongings, flatly refused to engage with my DS.
He then contacted me over a year later, saying he wanted to see DS, and couldn't understand why I wasn't exactly forthcoming?! He told me I've got to stop being angry with him. I'm not angry anymore, I'm just protecting my DS.
Ex-partners are so frustrating!!!

[blueistheonlycolourwefeel]

Oh, and he refused mediation, because apparently we can be amicable?!! like fuck we can!!

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Just had a message from ex-he can't make the next mediation session as he can't get out of work. Wanker.

[Jan45]

Hang on to that, he's shown you his true colours, selfish through and through, some people's selfishness is astounding.

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

Completely justified anger on your part Gast but I think it would be a good idea to get the practicalities/finances set in stone first.

I understand your need to know why he thinks it's OK to behave like he has (it isn't) but initiating that sort of conversation is likely to put his back up and derail the mediation.

Am glad you can see the sense in what Holger said; in the long run she's right and you are in a much better position extricated from him, and, if I remember previous threads correctly, his parents.

Try for the moment, to concentrate on what you are doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

xxx