Please tell me your stories of shared parenting post-split - what works?

[damnstatistics]

Hoping / planning to move out of marital home in a couple of months to a small 2-bed in local area (all I can afford). DD is at uni, DS a young teenager.
I think H will agree shared care - but he stays in family home and is not working. I will have to work full time to cover living costs.

Please tell me how you have organised shared care - how many days do DC stay with you / ex - where do DC keep their clothes and belongings - how do you handle illnesses, school things, dentists appointments? How do you keep routines going and minimise disruption for children? And how are your DC adjusting and getting over the split?

What has worked well for you - and what hasn't worked?
Thank you - all advice appreciated.

[cleanmyhouse]

I stayed in family home, they're with me sat sun mon tue, dad wed thur fri.

I generally do all appts, most of their things stay at mine, i pay for pretty much everything, i get all tax credits abd CB.

We consult each other on most things, still parent jointly, get on well, rarely argue. It took a while to get to that stage though.

[damnstatistics]

So Clean, does the dad never have DC over a weekend?

We'll need to work out how to handle tax credits and CB - from what I can see they can only be paid to one parent, then you have to arrange between you if they are shared - is that right?

[throwingpebbles]

How do the children find it? Don't they find it hard constantly moving between houses? Mine are little now so just do one night a week at their dads and they seem to find it ok but looking to the future I can't imagine as a teenager constantly moving between homes but maybe I am over thinking it?

[enviro300]

Hi. My ex husband is a great dad so it's amicable wrt our dd. She stays with me all week in the family home ( it was my house I bought it ) and goes to his house to stay Friday Saturday. He helps with nursery pick ups due to my odd hours too. Dd is fine and by keeping the arrangements regular and not changing them she knows where she stands and what to expect. Kids are fine if they know what's coming I think.

[wallypops]

Doubles of everything if possible, even teddies if they are small. No taking extra to school. Mine were eow. They came back in the clothes they went in more or less.

Having a mutual place you can drop things off at (we worked in the same place) or the outside letterbox at his house for example.

Not contacting them when at the others unless they call you.

Backing up the others punishments as far as possible.

Having everything down to the last little thing written in a legal agreement that can be returned to if and when flexibility breaks down.

Being fair with time and special occasions.

Good luck

[SpearmintLino]

Can't you stay in the family home and he move out, OP? Seems rather unfair.

[FolkGirl]

Lots and lots of communication, patience, respect and apologise when it goes wrong (which it will in the early days).

Agree to present a united front.

Support with discipline.

Be flexible with things like birthdays and special occasions.

No tit for tat or spite.

My exh and I will always try to accommodate the others special requests, whatever they are, if we can. e.g. i swapped weekends so he could celebrate the ow's birthday!

It's a very respectful situation nowadays.

[damnstatistics]

I am the one who wants to leave, and have not yet started divorce proceedings, and H does not see why he should move. If I work full time I can just about support myself (now busy writing job applications!). So I see it as being a more positive thing for me to move out rather than try to stick it out at the family home.

He is on the whole a good dad - although overbearing and a micro-manager and always convinced he is right!

Thanks for highlighting communication, patience and respect - it may be quite hard emotionally to keep that going and get the balance right. A couple of you have said to stay flexible re birthdays and family occasions. But also wallypops you advise having everything written down - did you do that as part of the divorce process - between yourselves or with legal advice?

[FolkGirl]

My exh amd I don't keep tabs on who's had what extra time. We work on it balancing itself out over time.

We see ourselves first and foremost as the children's parents and happy parents = happy kids

So when I wanted to go on holiday for a week with my friends, he booked time off work. In the school hols, he doesn't always keep all his mid week contacts up so that he can have a rest/catch up on things.

It really does require you both to have the same attitude as each other.

[pocketsaviour]

Please consult a solicitor before moving out of the marital home. There are financial implications to doing that which could affect your final settlement.

[27inmyhead]

Just because you want to end the marriage doesn't mean you should necessarily leave especially if the children will be mainly with you.

Why is he not working? This will have big financial implications during the divorce. What about maintenance?

Are you suggesting that you will be supporting your exh by working full-time when you move out?

Agree with pp, definitely get legal advice before you do anything more. You will lose out massively if you move out.

[27inmyhead]

Anyway I haven't answered your question sorry. Shared parenting - not a great example here as split was not amicable. He says I 'got all his money' in the settlement so he doesn't have to pull his weight. One day a week with one child although the dc and I would like him to be far more involved. I do everything else eg appointments, activities, decisions re school.

[weedinthepool]

Mine go Fri Sat one weekend and then Sat Sun with stbxh dropping off at school on Monday morning. I was sick of having to due the Mon-Fri school drudge and be the stressed bad guy while he got all the weekend fun; so I have Fri night and Sat day eow now to do fun stuff with them.

As for the impact on the dc's. It hasnt been easy for them but they are getting there (it's been 9 months) but it was a rough split (h was very angry) and they are little 3,7 and 11. There have been tears and aggression from the older 2 and my youngest has been quite confused because H and I have been struggling to communicate. She was really ill this week, has been in hospital and H didn't return her to me until sun teatime even though she was I'll

[damnstatistics]

Hey weed and 27inmyhead, that is difficult for you and tough and unfair on the children too. So want to avoid conflict and poor communication.

A fair split of weekdays and weekends seems crucial. I know of one couple that have been doing alternate days at his and hers for about 10 years! What about a week on and a week off - but that would be a very long time without seeing DC?

Re leaving the marital home - I have had some legal advice and from a quite well known solicitor who really is a SHL - he advised that in my situation it would be OK to leave, it would not jeopardise an eventual settlement. I do risk having to pay some maintenance in the meantime, although (without too many details) my H does have other sources of income, enough to live on, and he would have the big family home. The point is H would be a SAHD which gives lots of flexibility re childcare arrangements.

[damnstatistics]

What are people's views on who should pay for large expenses like school trips?

[DarkHeart]

I left and we co-parent, he stayed in the family home. I have my ds mon-thurs and his dad has him fri-sun one week then we alternate. Ds is 13 and we have done this since he was 7. He has two of most things and we have to communicate ALOT. We share the holidays and still do things together as a family. We share large costs, I do all the appointments/school stuff through choice.