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Can't understand this friend's behaviour

(22 Posts)
AdventureBe Wed 17-Jun-15 09:53:36

Let's call her Sally. We have a mutual friend Ann.

Ann has recently left a 10 year relationship after being unfaithful. She's not proud of that but there were a million reasons she should have left earlier. Ex was controlling e.g. refused to "let" her work because he earned more than enough to make any "little" job she might be able to get pointless.

Anyway once he learned she was unfaithful, he turned violent. There were at least 5 separate occasions when Ann was black and blue.

Sally is (was) Ann's oldest friend, they were at school together and have supported each other through one previous divorce each. Were in touch daily and Sally was the only person Ann confided in initially over the beatings, showing her the bruises.

Sally had also previously been told by an acquaintance, that Ann needed to be careful with ex, as he had beaten a previous girlfriend badly, although he hadn't been violent towards Ann at that point, so they both dismissed it at the time.

Sally has cut all contact with Ann since she left, feeling that she treated ex appallingly by being unfaithful. Ann agrees that she shouldn't have cheated but doesn't understand why Sally is still good friends with ex, knowing what she knows. She'd understand if Sally didn't want to be friends with her, but she doesn't get why she does want to be friends with ex. Sally and her DH were on holiday with ex and his new GF last week. Sally apparently thinks Ann got what she deserved and ex was only giving a natural response to being cheated on.

She has been good friends with Ann for 30 years and only knew ex through Ann. Why do some women take this kind of view?

TheVeryHungryPreggo Wed 17-Jun-15 09:56:17

Perhaps in Sally's worldview it's easier to understand the concept of being "pushed to it" by infidelity, rather than to accept that an otherwise friendly and charming man just enjoys beating women behind closed doors.

All too common, unfortunately.

queenofthepirates Wed 17-Jun-15 09:56:46

I have no idea but it's not uncommon. I know of a woman who is still friends with sister's ex husband despite him having raped her during the marriage.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 17-Jun-15 10:01:32

Does Sally have a thing for Anne's ex?

ex was violent to me, ow actually wrote to court and stated that as I was an equal part of that relationship with cuntychops I was 50% responsible for being beaten black and blue by twatface (who incidentally was way bigger and burlier than I will lever be).... ow is now 50% of a relationship with twunt... I'm not a betting woman but if I were I'm sure that letter to court will one day come back to punch that poor deluded woman in the face.

Some women are just of the mind-set that the man is the god of the relationship and the woman should put up and shut up and know her place or accept the consequences.

Branleuse Wed 17-Jun-15 10:09:00

All I understand from that, is that Sally is an arsehole.

mrsdavidbowie Wed 17-Jun-15 10:10:28

Well put Branleuse.

Sammasati Wed 17-Jun-15 10:21:49

I could not be friends with a person that condones abuse.

Branleuse is spot on

pictish Wed 17-Jun-15 10:26:11

Branleuse has it. Sally's an arsehole. What can you do?

FenellaFellorick Wed 17-Jun-15 10:35:13

I agree with branleuse.

pocketsaviour Wed 17-Jun-15 10:48:01

Sally is an idiotic cunt. Hopefully Ann will choose her friends better in future.

Thenapoleonofcrime Wed 17-Jun-15 11:14:42

It sounds like Sally loves to judge. I wouldn't judge a friend who cheated as an exit affair (I might gently question them on it) anyway unlike lots of people who do seem to get involved in their friends' business. It is horrendous for anyone to suggest Ann got what she deserved, there is no 'deserving' of this and I would not want to be friends with someone who blames the victim and hangs out with the abuser and the new GF on holiday.

GoodToesNotSoGoodToes Wed 17-Jun-15 11:18:49

I knew a few Ann and Sally's in my time, you would be best to back slowly away op.

hoobygalooby Wed 17-Jun-15 11:20:02

How sad. Sally obviously feels that cheating is a far worse crime than violence, or indeed even deserving of violence. Some women do - amazingly.
Was Sally cheated on in the past?
Whatever - cheating is wrong and so is violence but luckily your friend Ann is free of this dickhead now and lucky to have you as a friend.

GoodToesNotSoGoodToes Wed 17-Jun-15 11:28:29

I would dump the pair of them, I don't like the way either behaved.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 17-Jun-15 11:29:59

I cannot help you understand the logic of a woman like Sally.

LadyBlaBlah Wed 17-Jun-15 11:44:43

sally has fallen for all the propaganda surrounding domestic violence myths - "she deserved it" etc.

And is also an arsehole

BertPuttocks Wed 17-Jun-15 11:49:29

Some people have a warped view of how women and men should behave.

They believe that men have certain behaviours that they just can't help. At the lower end of the scale this includes things like not doing their share of the housework and childcare. The more extreme end includes violent acts.

Women are held to a much higher standard and are expected to be Mother Theresa, always putting themselves last.

In Sally's eyes, Ann failed to live up to expectations and must be cut off whereas the ex was just a hard-done-by victim who couldn't help what he did.

hoobygalooby Wed 17-Jun-15 11:53:32

BertPuttocks. Can I just say that your name is fabulous!!!
<Wish I'd thought of it myself!!>

BertPuttocks Wed 17-Jun-15 13:03:00

Thank you. blush

NorahDentressangle Wed 17-Jun-15 13:10:33

Some people aren't really kind and caring - they just enjoy the drama, the endless rehashing of others' problems the ongoing dilemmas.

So now that Ann has got a life perhaps Sally is peeved and jealous. Or just disappointed that all the angst is over and there's no drama to be involved in.

By ganging up with an abuser she is continuing her exciting role as the support in another future drama.

Atenco Wed 17-Jun-15 13:39:18

Maybe Sally, as a married woman, feels that if she remains friends with Ann she is saying that being unfaithful is OK, whereas she and her husband have no qualms about hanging out with a wife-beater?

Hissy Wed 17-Jun-15 14:08:18

When you leave an abusive relationship is when you REALLY see who your friends are.

Branleuse nailed it. smile

It's likely that Ann's life made Sally's look good. Now that Ann is no longer oppressed and downtrodden, SALLY has the worst life/relationship she knows. People like sally work hard to undermine Anns, because it means they can kid themselves. Either that, or they get off on seeing another person suffer.

My mother was like this toward me. I'm NC with her now. HER relationship is goddawful, and tbh good. I'm glad it is. Karma.

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