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I think I'm burying my head in the sand

(22 Posts)
MsPepsi Tue 16-Jun-15 18:13:16

I've been dating someone for five months now. We have a great time together chilling etc. We are both single parents so do a few things together on a Sunday. Like day trips etc with the children. Otherwise actual dates are about once a month, sadly. he is not a stranger as he's a male friend I've known for about 15 years.

He admitted in January he fancied me and I fancied him, so we decided to give it a go.

Thing is, it's as though we've continued the friendship and had the odd bit of sex thrown in. To be honest, I could leave the sex as whilst it's good, it feels like I'm doing it out of 'need' rather than a desire to have it. It's that likeI've skipped a honeymoon period and become old overnight and settled into a bit of a mundane relationship.

Should I be over the moon and excited about this relationship? Because I don't really feel it. I enjoy the time we spend doing day trips, but that's it.

I've thought we'd ended things a few weeks ago, but I got the wrong end of the stick. For that moment I felt relived.

I'm so scared to tell him as he's been through a lot prior to me, but it's not fair on him.

I then think that actually I'm being fussy and that good relationships are built on friendships.

Please slap me round the face!!

StaircaseAtTheUniversity Tue 16-Jun-15 18:20:50

I nearly married one like this where it was "built on a friendship" but basically entered into because I (I think actually we both) felt like there were no other options. It didn't end well because just before we were due to get married I met and swiftly fell in love with the man who I'm now married to, so had to end my relationship with Mr. Friend.

Suffice to say we aren't friends anymore, but not a day goes by where I'm not so happy that I didn't marry him.

MsPepsi Tue 16-Jun-15 18:27:08

Thanks staircase. I think I only gave it a go because i fancied him and I had no other male interest.

I have always had a connection with him through the amount of time I've known him and what we've been through over the news, but I feel that I'm giving up on a chance at real love, as sad as that sounds. My fear is that he thinks it's going brilliantly

StaircaseAtTheUniversity Tue 16-Jun-15 18:43:34

What about the relationship do you feel is dissatisfying? For me I always felt that something was missing from it, I could never quite put my finger on what though.

MsPepsi Tue 16-Jun-15 18:52:02

The honeymoon period, the exciting stage I suppose that become the foundations of a relationship.

And also the constant niggles about me doing it for the wrong reasons.

Plus I don't get excited to see him. I look forward to our play dates, but when it's just us two, it just feels awkward and uncomfortable.

After 5 months I should still be elated, shouldn't I? I just feel that I'm
Missing out on being with the right person.

pocketsaviour Tue 16-Jun-15 23:02:07

It sounds like you are more friends who have occasional sex rather than in a relationship. Do you want more? Does he?

MsPepsi Wed 17-Jun-15 07:23:59

Yes he does want more. Thing is I've been single for a few years and I want to settle down too. I can imagine us being a great family, but being a couple, I feel that I'm selling myself short. And that I'm missing out on real love. He's tried doing sexting, normally I love this when dating but it's been really cringeworthy as I don't think I see him in that way.

Cancookdontcook Wed 17-Jun-15 07:44:02

You can't manufacture the excitement. If it's not there, it's not there. And it's not going to suddenly emerge after 5 months.

It sounds as if you really do see him as a friend.

MsPepsi Wed 17-Jun-15 19:29:34

That's right can cook. I know that friendship is a great foundation, but surely excitement is a bit of a pre-requisite? I think I've been hoping it would work because I fear I'll never find a decent guy who's so great with my dad and being a family. Stupid really I suppose. I just don't want to hurt him

Sickoffrozen Wed 17-Jun-15 20:45:45

Sounds like the chemistry is lacking.

I would just be straight and tell him that you love him but 5 months in still see him as more of a friend than a lover. He will be hurt and it could end the friendship but if you feel like this after 5 months, it won't get any better.

newnamesamegame Wed 17-Jun-15 21:17:51

I think chemistry can start slowly and build up, but after five months of regular dating you would expect it to be stronger than this.

You seem to see the sexual part of your relationship as almost a chore which is not a great indicator.

Friendship is a great -- and necessary -- foundation of love, but its not necessarily enough on its own. There does need to be a bit of a spark.

I would be inclined to finish things, to be honest. He may not react well but it doesn't sound like your heart is in it...

BrowersBlues Wed 17-Jun-15 21:28:41

MsP you know the answer to this dilemma. This is not for you and you know it. Don't be scared of being alone. You can obviously attract someone and you sound like a really nice person. End it and move on. The summer is coming and you deserve a bit of fun and a bit of someone you fancy rotten.

Don't sell yourself short. You do not need to have sex out of 'need to' rather than 'desire'. You know that, end it and move on. It doesn't matter if you don't meet someone you really care about and fancy rotten tomorrow just give yourself a chance of getting it. To me you sound like someone who can have a satisfying life with or without someone.

If you want someone in your life get the hell out and chat to people and show people how fabulous you are. You really sound like a nice person so don't forget that you are.

fiddlybulb Wed 17-Jun-15 21:46:08

Don't mean to sound harsh OP but there are a few sound reasons for not involving kids very early in relationships and this is one of them. Lots of single dads are basically on the lookout for lots of childcare with a bit of sex on the side, in my experience - it's why I never date them! They often either have no idea about how to organise and look after little kids, or they think it's all a bit of a chore and are on the lookout for a friendly single mum who will do the mother-work for their kids as well as her own. It's just a theory but it sounds to me like he could be one of these? Doesn't mean he's a terrible person or anything but it's not a great foundation for a relationship. You should spend a good few months talking into the small hours and ripping each other's clothes off before you even think about making packed lunches for his kids.

None of this might apply to you or him at all, I could be wildly projecting of course! but as a general principle - you're looking for someone for YOU. He needs to tick that box before you even consider whether he ticks the 'children' or 'father' boxes

BrowersBlues Wed 17-Jun-15 22:15:23

I agree entirely bulb. You have to be really cautious about who you introduce your children to. As bulb says spend a bit more time ripping one another's clothes off first, it is a fundamental element of a relationship. If you don't get the foundations right it aint gonna be secure.

You are not supposed to be friends with your lover and yes you should be excited by a relationship! YOU KNOW THIS SO STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU DO!

MsPepsi Wed 17-Jun-15 22:24:23

Thank you so much for your posts. It's so hard to talk to people in real life as they've always said we'd make a great couple.

That's right, I do need a relationship for me, not my daughter. At the end of the day, she's only 3 so she has no idea what a mum and dad set up is.

I'm happy being single, in fact I was quite enjoying it. I feel that by trying I know I've tried, if that makes sense?

I really don't want to hurt him and as we both have main care of our kids, logistically it's so hard to speak in person. Is it really lame to do by text? I don't want to disrespect him?

BrowersBlues Sat 20-Jun-15 14:41:14

I would ring him and tell him over the phone. Just make it short and sweet along the lines of - I don't want to be in a realtionship any more. I had a lovely time with you but I just know it is not meant to be. I am sorry and I hope I haven't upset you. If he tries to change your mind just say - I have made up my mind, take care of yourself, bye.

I think he deserves a bit more than a text. Let us know how you get on. Good luck, it isn't nice having to break up with someone but you need to put on your big girl pants and do it! You will feel so much better afterwards and then you can start enjoying being single again and doing things that you want to do.

BreadmakerFan Sat 20-Jun-15 14:44:23

Seeing each other just once a month is hardly going to make a good relationship, full of passion and excitement.

MsPepsi Wed 24-Jun-15 18:42:26

I put on my big girl pants and it's done. I feel relieved, but horribly guilty. He'd guessed, but said he was happy with us having a date every few weeks and doing stuff with our kids every week. That's not what I want as a relationship won't grow like that. I think that I've lost a friendship hmm

goddessofsmallthings Wed 24-Jun-15 20:00:23

Those big girl pants sure can feel comfortable, can't they? [grin}

You've done the right thing and, as nature abhors a vacuum, I have no doubt it won't be long before other friends appear on your horizon.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 24-Jun-15 20:00:49


BrowersBlues Thu 25-Jun-15 02:17:13

Well done MsP. Focus on the feeling of relief rather than guilt. You are not guilty of anything. You listened to your instinct and made the best decision for you.

27inmyhead Thu 25-Jun-15 05:28:32

Good for you. But be careful as it sounds like he's trying to hang on in there. What is the point in being friends when he obviously wants more?

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