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So miserable and looking for some positive stories to make me feel better

(16 Posts)
Winniethewylde Mon 15-Jun-15 11:30:58

Good morning everyone. So, I'm in a very very miserable excuse of a marriage. Married 8 years and 2 young dcs. We're at the end of the road, my DH is struggling to come to terms with this and is laying on the guilt, keeps saying do I realise how good I've got it? How much worse it's going to get, how bitter it will get, arguing over the dcs, how hard it will be. Surely we can save it etc etc. I feel like I'm being cast as the evil witch as I feel like it's like flogging a dead horse. Things have been hard between us for probably 4 years, we barely communicate unless it's through the children, we haven't had sex for 3 years and we've grown apart hugely. My self esteem has taken a massive hit, I'm in therapy myself, marriage counselling was a disaster as DH wouldn't open up and I felt like it was all one sided. So I think I've reached a point where I want out of this.

I've seen a solicitor as I'm a sahm so unsure of my options and I feel better now and more positive about the future but everywhere I turn I'm hearing stories and being given 'advice' about the children from 'broken homes' this is doing nothing for the extreme guilt I have already and I haven't left yet. I feel like my dcs are being damaged more from the atmosphere at home than they would be if we separated but DH tells me it won't and can't be amicable when I believe that it could be. Can it be? Or am I living in a dream world?

Also what happens in the limbo land between separation and divorce? I can't imagine DH will move out as he's already blaming me and creating problems as he apparently wants to try to sort it out while I am refusing.

God, what a mess. Sorry if this is rambling. I have so much in me and no answers sad

PurpleWithRed Mon 15-Jun-15 11:37:21

Getting divorced is like childbirth - messy, undignified and painful, but worth it in the end (assuming the relationship has reached the end of the road, and it sounds like yours has).

Just grit your teeth and get on with the separation and divorce: you may have to carry on sharing the home for a while, it won't be pretty but it's part of the journey.

Charley50 Mon 15-Jun-15 11:42:06

Myself and my siblings were very very damaged by growing up in the car crash that was my parents marriage. I desperately wanted them to split up.
My DS is a happy confident clever boy. I split up with his dad when he was 5 months old. He sees his dad regularly and I would not describe him as damaged.
Your children may be damaged by the process but only if your H decides to play dirty, and really it is best to get out while they are young.
Studies show that the only damaging factor for children from 'broken homes' is if they are affected by poverty, which may be more common but obviously is not a given.
Good luck.

pocketsaviour Mon 15-Jun-15 12:23:50

It's better to be from a broken home, than in one.

Your STBXH has given you notice that he's going to be a complete shit during the process. Lovely. At least now you know what to expect. Pull on your hazmat suit and get started, because the sooner you start, the sooner it will be ended.

Winniethewylde Mon 15-Jun-15 12:39:40

Thank you all. I'm so determined for the dcs to not be affected by all this, to not witness rows etc. none of this is their fault. I think you are so right pocketsaviour DH will be a shit but I think he is doing it because he thinks I will have an epiphany and will realise I actually want to be with him rather than face the hassle. The sad thing is he has admitted he would rather be in a miserable marriage than face starting again. How nice.

PoppyField Mon 15-Jun-15 14:41:31

Hello Winnie,

Sorry it's so miserable. I'm wondering what positive steps your H is making to 'sort it out'. It is no good telling you you have no idea how good you've got it. Telling you to put up and shut up seems to be entirely counter-productive!

Yeah - what he's telling you ain't nice. Kinda flattering isn't it to be the 'least worst' option.

You will feel guilty, but really really try not to. At the very least do not respond to all his attempts to guilt-trip you, which is what he is doing at the moment. Do not allow him to say that you are splitting up the family, selfishly or otherwise. You are doing it for your children as much as yourself because they are growing up in a hostile environment.

I feel like my dcs are being damaged more from the atmosphere at home than they would be if we separated but DH tells me it won't and can't be amicable when I believe that it could be.

He is telling you how he is going to be. Again, nice. An amicable split depends on the two sides working really hard to be amicable, because it must be hard to do that. So it sounds like you're a reasonable person. You can tell him that an amicable split depends entirely on whether he is prepared to be amicable, because it takes two. If he decides to be hostile and obstructive, then that is how it will be. He is already telling you that he is likely to be hostile.

He already blames you for most of what goes wrong in his life, I expect. He won't be any different going into this.

'Creating problems' is not a way to repair a marriage. If he wanted to repair it I am sure he has had many opportunities along the way, but perhaps instead chose to blame you? Am I right?

Divorce is horrible. I don't know anyone who has had a good one, but I don't know anyone who has regretted getting out of a nasty marriage. Good luck and strap your tin hat on. You are doing this for your children. He can say what he likes. You will need to grow a really tough skin. It really, really doesn't matter what he thinks of you. Try not to worry about that. But if you can, agree a script that you keep to with the children, so that he doesn't contaminate their little minds. d

Handywoman Mon 15-Jun-15 15:43:23

The sad thing is he has admitted he would rather be in a miserable marriage than face starting again. How nice.

Men often get a lot out of being married. They get a wife who makes their life run smoothly (cooking, cleaning, washing, admin, childcare, do homework with the kids, someone to tidy up and remember birthdays.... the list goes on). It's why they often won't leave until they have someone waiting in the wings. Or until they are forced. Your H is trying to dress this up as 'wanting to stay together', when really it's not that at all.

On the other hand, what do you get out of this marriage? A miserable life, oh and what do your kids get out of living in this atmosphere? Stress and tension and the knowledge that all is not OK.

It's why you must grit your teeth and start proceedings. For the sake of you and your kids. It'll be so worth it.

If need be you may need to adopt the broken record approach: "this marriage is over, I refused to discuss it further." Lean on friends. Drink wine and put one foot in front of the other until it's done.

My heart goes out to you. Good luck.

"Getting divorced is like childbirth - messy, undignified and painful, but worth it in the end"

So true.

conway Mon 15-Jun-15 17:47:51

I filed for divorce in September and we are still living in the same house while finances are sorted. It is really hard but I couldn't waste my life in an un-happy marriage anymore.
We just about manage to be civil but sometimes I cannot help a bicker especially when menoupausal.
I am sure it will be all worthwhile in the end however hard.
A good counsellor, a great solicitor,a spare bedroom to escape and a good book have helped.This site has also been good and a few friends but I find happily married freinds not veryunderstanding.

Sidge Mon 15-Jun-15 17:53:51

There is nothing so lonely as being in an unhappy marriage. Divorce is hideous but it's like a major surgical operation - it will hurt, there is a prolonged recovery period but afterwards you will feel lighter and well again.

Children are not automatically damaged by divorce, it's how the situation is managed that can be damaging. But it is far better for them to live in a household not dominated by fear, suspicion, tension and anxiety.

Be strong, keep looking forwards and I hope things work out well for you flowers

Winniethewylde Tue 16-Jun-15 17:20:07

So much for him wanting to stay together, it seems he is on match already, no photo but def him. Marital status: divorced. Clearly testing the water to replace me asap hmm

NickiFury Tue 16-Jun-15 17:24:17

Homes don't get "broken" they just change. Your home and relationship is "broken" right now, it's not functioning is it? So it's broken. You're fixing your home right now by moving on, shame for him he doesn't get a role in that but I am guessing he was given every opportunity to sort it out.

PoppyField Tue 16-Jun-15 19:54:20

On a dating site. Nice.

Nolim Tue 16-Jun-15 20:11:14

My parents divorced and it was the right thing to do.

MyGastIsFlabbered Tue 16-Jun-15 20:18:36

I questioned whether I loved my husband 2 years ago but stayed because I was scared of being a single mum. Eventually my mental health collapsed and I couldn't do it any more. I have 2 small children, 5 and 2. We've been separated 3 months now, ex refused to leave the house so me and the boys moved out. I'm a stay at home parent too but financially am better off on benefits than I was when I was married. I'm much happier, a better parent to the boys and my mental health is better than it has been for a long time.

I won't pretend it's all been easy, but I haven't doubted for one second that I've done the right thing.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. If you have any questions feel free to ask me.

kittensinmydinner Tue 16-Jun-15 21:29:01

It's horrible being in an unhappy marriage but it's no picnic getting/being divorced. My Dh has had 15 yrs of hostility and bitterness .its never ending and horrific. Please believe him when he says it's better to try really hard to work it out. I say that as the second wife to Dh who I love to bits but would rather it hadn't happened for his dcs sake !

PoundingTheStreets Tue 16-Jun-15 22:33:57

I hate the expression 'broken home'. A broken home is one where those in it are unhappy, where the relationships are toxic and lifee-sapping rather than supportive and nurturing. IMO separating is often the first step towards fixing things, not breaking them.

Divorce is not a bad thing in itself. It is the manner of divorce that matters. Two parents who love their children more than they resent their ex-spouse can ensure that divorce is not damaging for children. Divorce brings unavoidable changes to a child's life and it would be naive to think these don't affect children and bring with difficulties. However, two good parents can ensure that these changes can be overcome or even in some cases embraced. The end result after a period of adjustment can actually be a positive, rather than damaging, one.

You can't make your H do the decent thing, but you can try to appeal to his better nature by pointing out to him that your DC need him to stay involved and positive in their lives and that how he behaves will influence how well the DC adapt.

Fortunately, even if he is a twat and he causes them pain sad, research shows that it is the child's relationship with the primary caregiver that has the most impact on a child's ability to cope with parental separation and how well they fare afterwards.

Best of luck.

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