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It's so hard.

(2 Posts)
RepeatAdNauseum Sun 14-Jun-15 18:56:45

I'm 24 years old, and orphaned. I think both of those things are probably relevant. I was with ex-DP for nearly 9 years, until we split up in March. We'd been through a lot...he was my only "family", and we supported each other through uni (financially and emotionally), living in two foreign countries for work and living in an isolated part of the UK. I had a terrible job for two years, too, and I'm disabled so I had some health problems.

I think I became codependent on him, if I'm honest. I lost all my confidence, my disability flared and I lost my independence, and I got angry at DP for pulling away and spending more time with his parents, leaving me isolated and on my own. He left in March after a fight about something stupid, and went to live with his parents.

For two weeks, we didn't talk. We were both very hurt. After that, it was very rare. Since then, we've built up to talking quite a lot every day, only a bit less than when we were together. We see each other once or twice a week. He has not stayed over, and he will not say that he loves me or misses me.

Today I saw him and cried. I said I didn't like not knowing where I stand. He said he can't promise anything. He didn't think we'd ever get back together when we split, and he's taking it date by date to see what happens. He said he does love me, he'll still love me in five years, but telling me that is unfair. He misses me, too, but he doesn't want to lead me on. He is enjoying his space and freedom and he thinks I've done well to develop confidence and a social life since he left. He's encouraging me to do more and offering me help, etc. He said he obviously likes me because he's coming to see me.

It hurts, though. There's a bit of me that wants him to want to be here. It's strange living in "our" house without him, but I've got nowhere else to go and I can't afford to move. I feel like I can distract myself but I can never fully get him off my mind. I told him the situation hurt me, and it was painful, and he said we'd stop seeing each other and he doesn't want to hurt me, he thought I was happy with this.

I don't know what I want from this, really. I'm finding it so hard. I love him, even when I don't want too, even when I haven't spoken to him in days. I don't need him anymore, but my god I want him. I want him to want to be with me. I want him to want a future with me. I guess I'm glad that he's not just agreeing to one without thinking it through but it's so hard.

Sweetsecret Sun 14-Jun-15 19:20:45

Hi there, I am in a similar situation with my DH of 14 years.
He left two months ago and I was feeling like you and he said a lot of what your DP has said too.
Two months on I am still missing him, he still doesn't want to come home but says he misses me.
I see him once a week now when he comes to see our children.
I felt for a while he was having his cake and eating it, had his freedom during the week and then coming over for family time and the weekend, I had to put a stop to it, now he picks the kids up and takes them out.
It is so very hard I totally understand how you feel.
When you have been with someone for so long it is hard to adjust to life without them, the little things like if you see something funny you would tell them about it and now there is no one to tell.sad
Have you laid the cards on the table and asked if you want to a dress issues and try again? x

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