DH has a horrible habit of needing to find someone to blame for every bad thing that happens. It has become a lot worse as he's got older and he has had less patience with delays, mishaps and other people.
I have actually seen him take events that have happened and I have watched his mind searching for someone to blame and actually retrospectively shifting responsibility to them. I find it highly disturbing. Obviously, I am a common blame target because I spend most of my time with him and we naturally do a lot together. I never stand for it, of course, and it causes huge arguments between us.
Blaming is completely not part of my culture as a human being. I believe that people make mistakes, there are accidents and coincidences, some people are naive and don't pay attention, and some things are just bad timing.
The latest in a line of incidents is that DH was supposed to meet a client yesterday at 3pm. He hadn't told me this, and was instead wondering around the house at 2.50pm looking for keys and various paraphernalia. As he was wondering round I asked him if I needed to book a baby-sitter for tomorrow (today) and if so, how long for etc. He seemed a bit frustrated I was asking him and kept saying "whatever you think, whatever you think," shutting me down.
I bid him goodbye, he left and the next thing I hear is that DH was late and the client had left by the time DH got there, thus losing DH the business. I then get a torrent of texts, basically blaming me for delaying him going out of the door! Connecting my asking a question about the babysitter to him losing this business!
I said I had no idea he was meeting a client, and if I had known, I would never delay him. But aside from that, it was absolutely not my fault that he missed out on this business.
He said "I know you didn't have a bad intention, but what you did led to us ultimately losing money for our family."
I find it completely preposterous that this should be labelled as my fault. Obviously, I am NBU?
It also frightens me that in the future he could potentially reserve the right to accuse me of anything and make connections out of thin air: "You're neglecting our children because you are one minute late to the school gate."
He makes me feel like I have to keep some kind of paper trail of our relationship every second, in order to prove my innocence.
Obviously this does not happen frequently enough for me to LTB. And he does not have other traits or red flags in his behaviour.
How do I address this? How do I explain the unfairness of it all to him? What do I say?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How to deal with blamers
cheersfrasier · 11/06/2015 01:14
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