What do I do now?

[lizardqueenie]

Hi

I started writing a thread last night and have gone to post and its vanished.
I am currently mid divorce, my ex h picked up our dc last night as per our arrangement. prior to her pick up we had had an argument re finances, he put the phone down on me.

when i got home in the evening dc was in bed then as he was going to leave the argument restarted - i told him i had nothing more to say and asked him to leave. I went to open the front door and he pushed my hand/ arm out of the way. I then went to open it again and he held the front door shut so i couldn't open it.

I was very upset and asked him again to leave, he then told me he had something important to tell me (front door was open by this time) but would only say if i shut the front door. i said i had nothing to say and then he told me it was about our dc. i was very worried so shut the door, he told me to come into the living room which i did, he sat down and told me to as well but i wouldn't, i said i wasn't going to sit down and have a discussion with him he could say what he wanted to say about dc and then leave. then because i wouldn't sit down he said fine i'm not telling you. I told him that was out of order he couldn't come back in and tell me he had something to say and then not say it. He then just asked me a question about DC having a eye test, which i have fully told him already and when i did he couldn't have been less interested. this was also a few days ago.

He then eventually went. After he went I was very upset, just with how he had behaved, I was sick in the kitchen. my family do not live far so i called my mum and she came over.

Today i have told my solicitor he has been physically intimidating and that i do not want to continue the arrangement of him bringing DC back here. What else can I do/ should I do? I feel the absolute pits today. Luckily i am working from home.

[AmyElliotDunne]

Sounds like you've done exactly the right thing. Your home should be a safe space for you and he has just forfeited his right to spend any time there. Doorstep handovers from now on and if he gives you even a hint of grief then you need to get a 3rd party to do it elsewhere, i.e. he collects the DC from school or from a friend/relative to prevent him being able to intimidate you.

He's acting out because he's lost control of you. Do you have a separate phone for messages from him? If not think about getting a cheap one, tell him you've changed your number then only check it once a week or so. Only reply to messages that are a) regarding DC and b) respectful and businesslike in tone.

Discuss all arrangements in writing so that you have a record of what has been said and refuse to engage any further with him as he has no respect for your boundaries. Well done for reporting it to your solicitor, keep it all official and detached.

[FredaMayor]

Call his bluff next time. If whatever is the matter is so jolly well important he has a responsibility to let you know or discuss it in a sensible way by text or email. Sorry, but what prattish behaviour!

[lizardqueenie]

Thank you.

Ive spoken to solicitor &emailed him to tell him not to come to the house in the interim.

The phone thing is a good idea- I don't have a separate one for him no.

I feel wrecked- head still banging & eyes bloodshot & sore. What can I do for those?

He still has keys so locking doors inside tonight too.

Anything else I should think of/ know. This isn't the first time he has intimated me but the worst physically I suppose. He has always tried to control financially / emotionally- hence divorce.

[Jux]

Is it your house, or was it the marital home? If it's just yours then change the locks. If the mortgage/tenancy is in both names, then you probably can't but check with your solicitor.

Can you get someone else to do handovers? Maybe he could take dc back to your mum's, and she could the bring them to yours, or you pick up from there?

He sounds nasty, so you need to keep as much distance as poss.

[lizardqueenie]

Thanks jux

House is in both of our names so as far as I'm aware Im not legally allowed to change locks. You can't do that if there is a occupation order in place.

Im making suggestions around him going to his parents/ my parents before I pick up but will do this formally via solicitor. Solicitor has been v helpful actually - it's more my head/ heart I need help with

[Jux]

That's one reason why you need to have no contact, a third party doing handovers for the koment, and communication through your solicitor, or if you can't afford that, by email only. Then make a new filter so that anything from him goes straight into a Twunt folder which you only look at once a week.

Heads and hearts do mend You will get to a point where he doesn't bother you no matter how he tries. Until then, protect yourself as much as you can by getting as many layers as possible between you.

[SoleSource]

Sounds to me like he still wants to see what control he has over your emotions. Pig!

[lizardqueenie]

Hello sorry for delay but I do really appreciate the replies. He said nothing afterwards- no apology (not that is makes any difference but complete lack of acknowledgement he has done wrong.

Then on Thursday he wrote to me- started an email with "good afternoon" denied holding the door shut- I don't know why or how he could. I told him he could no longer come in the house & he said he would still want to to have his time with dd. However I said he could have that at his parents & I will pick her up from here.

It's been such a heavy emotional week & now he is pushing for solicitors meeting end of next week (just around my birthday!) so I hope once things are settled I will feel better

[Jux]

What does he mean by a solicitor's meeting? He can meet with his solicitor any time he likes, it doesn't involve you at all. Likewise, if you want to meet with a solicitor, it is none of his business.

Your solicitor will write to him or his solicitor. His sol will write to you or your sol.

Neither require you and he to both be involved in the same meeting.