Been with DP for 18 months now, I had a pretty crap childhood, adulterous parents resulting in numerous splits and custody battles etc, very precarious home life amongst a whole load of other stuff that I won’t go into. I know it affects me in day to day life, I had a few counselling sessions about a year or so ago which did help somewhat.
I have had a couple of crappy, EA relationships which have DEFNITELY affected me and my outlook on things.
Anyway DP is lovely, he really is. He is extremely kind and supportive and gives me lots of his time and generally makes me a priority in his life. However, the last couple of months I have become increasingly anxious, paranoid and insecure.
I have this horrible ‘gut instinct’ if you like telling me that our relationship isn’t right, that DP doesn’t really love me, that he’s constantly comparing me to other women or his exes (he hasn’t ever but it’s something I’m convinced he does)
Our relationship is ‘fine’ but it’s just that at the moment, ‘fine.’ There doesn’t seem to be much passion, we do spend lots of quality time together and go out and about doing stuff most weeks.
Sex wise, he is the best I’ve ever had (though I’ve had really crap sex before) he is pretty selfless and mostly his main focus is making me happy but I’m really struggling with low libido atm so it often takes me ages to ‘get there’ and I end up getting a bit bored (and he probably does too) We have sex anything ranging from once to 4 x per week, depending on how much we see each other and other factors.
There is never any lovey dovey texts or flirting/sexting, I have tried to instigate both but it’s almost like he doesn’t really ‘get it?’ Lovey dovey stuff he will say ‘Miss you too’ or ‘love you too’ and occasionally he’ll instigate one of those, but anything sexual, not a chance really. It’s very perfunctory all the time. He is a very measured and laid back person in general, which is one of the qualities I love about him after my hysterical, highly strung and controlling ex. However, sometimes it comes across like he doesn’t care, or that he’s just pretty apathetic towards me and our relationship.
I’m not 100% sure where our relationship is going tbh, there’s been no real talk of us moving in together or anything like that, he has mentioned it numerous times but that’s it, there’s been no date set or timescale or anything. On the one hand this suits me as I like my life at the moment and having 2 or 3 nights apart each week to do our own thing and we haven’t been together that long to be fair, on the other hand, it’s quite stressful splitting my time between 2 locations and houses and also there is an element because there is no set timescale for us to move in together of, is he actually committed to this relationship at all? Does he see it long term?
Also, just stupid little things like recently there has been a few tagged photos of us together and he hasn’t approved them on his timeline, his profile picture is one of us 2 on holiday so it’s not like he’s trying to hide me per se but he has approved lots of other stuff and purposefully not approved those.
I think the sex thing would improve if he (we) injected a bit of passion into the relationship, I LIKE regular lovey dovey texts, I like sexting, I need that in order to feel an emotional connection with someone and want to have sex with them. At the moment it’ll be us two sitting on the sofa having a kiss and cuddle and after 3 seconds him saying ‘Let’s go upstairs’ or whatever, unfortunately that isn’t enough to get me ‘in the mood’, if we’re kissing and cuddling for 10-15 mins and things get steamy, that’s fine, I’m ready to go then, or he if he would start by earlier on in the day sending me sexy texts or something, again that would help, but it’s never anything like that. The sex is always perfunctory. There’s definitely a lack of passion there.
I love spending time with him, I love him and want to be with him but I don’t feel overly secure and happy at the moment and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s something more underlying with me or whether it’s all the above just ‘dampening the flames’ if you like. I hate coming across like a needy, high maintenance GF as I’ve never been that, but all of my exes (even the controlling, hysterical ones) have been pretty passionate about me and the relationships, I’m not sure whether in comparison he just comes across as a bit more indifferent or whether he actually is.
I have broached all of this with him, but he insists there’s nothing wrong, he loves me, is enjoying being together etc, but I think in order for me to be happy and secure I want a bit more ‘loving’ if you like. AIBU?
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Relationships
Why am I feeling so insecure in my relationship?
5 replies
Anxiousanne01 · 09/06/2015 11:04
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